Calling on God

You can begin healing the emotional pain of an unintentional pregnancy at any point. Even though it may be difficult, turn to God in prayer and seek His comfort. He already knows your situation, and He still loves you just as much now as before you found out you were pregnant. Try the following “prayer starters:”

- God, Your Word says that You heal the broken-hearted and bind up their wounds, and I need that right now. I’m feeling like…

- The Bible says that You comfort us in all our troubles, so I need to ask You to comfort me by…

God, Your Word says that I should cast all my anxiety on You. I have so many things on my mind and so many problems and worries. Help me to throw them all onto You, to let You take care of them, to let You carry the burden, and to trust You to work things out better than I could. Help me, please, in the name of Jesus, who loved me enough to die for me. Amen.

The Good News

Even in the difficulties surrounding an unplanned pregnancy and its implications, there is good news:

God’s love for you has not changed. What God told Israel is true about you: “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3). And what the psalmist said about God is still true today: “Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever” (Psalm 107:1). God loves you as much today as He did before you became pregnant.

God will use your not-so-good situation for good. Romans 8:28 can be a source of encouragement for you: “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” God did not cause your situation, but He is all-loving and all-powerful, and He can bring good out of it for you, your baby and your family (see Genesis 50:20).

Time will help heal your pain. As bad as your sorrow and discouragement may feel right now, it will become easier to handle with every passing day. Psalm 30:5 promises, “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

Regret, Options, Prayer

In order to plan a meeting to tell your parents about your unintentional pregnancy, you need to decide if you want someone to go with you and schedule a time. The following steps should also help:

Express your regret and repentance. Since you are their daughter, your parents will suffer many of the same experiences, emotions, and pressures you will suffer in the coming months. Are you sorry for the difficulties your mistake will put them through in the coming weeks? Express your heartfelt sorrow and regret to them in your own words.

Discuss your options with them. Express and explain your current thoughts on the issues of abortion, marriage, single parenthood, and adoption. Invite their counsel and prayers as you decide whether to raise the baby yourself, marry the father or to give the baby up for adoption. Your parents may also be willing to help you share your news with other family members and with the child’s father and his family. Respectfully ask for your parents’ help and support in the coming months.

Close with prayer. If your parents are Christians, ask them to join you in a time of prayer. Together ask God for His direction and help in the coming months as you deal with all the activities related to pregnancy and the birth of the child.

As you convey respect for your parents’ feelings and a willingness to listen to their concerns and suggestions, you increase the possibility that they will become your helpful supporters in the months ahead. Knowing that your dearest loved ones are on your side will help lift some of the emotional burden from your shoulders.

Telling Your Parents

It is vitally important that you sit down with your parents as soon as possible to tell them about your pregnancy and begin discussing the implications on your life and theirs. This is the part that most teens dread, however, after the initial reaction, it is one of the most helpful. Secrets just compound the mistake. Here are several steps that will help you prepare for and carry out such a meeting:

Decide if you want someone else to go with you. Perhaps you would feel more confident about the meeting with your parents if someone went with you. If you shared your situation with someone like a youth leader, a mature friend or your minister, that person may be willing to go along when you talk to your parents.

Schedule a time to meet at your parents’ earliest convenience. Plan to talk to your parents as soon as possible. You don’t want them to hear your news from another source. Find a time and place for your meeting that will be free from interruptions and distractions. You might say to your parents, “I have something important I want to discuss with you. When could we sit down and talk?”

Be straightforward. Get to the point. Either you or the trusted person who is with you should state clearly to your parents that you are pregnant. Beating around the bush will only make your disclosure more painful for everyone.

Single Parenting

Are you considering single parenthood? Use the questions below to help you evaluate the option of parenting your child alone for now:

- If you choose single parenthood, what consequences will it have on your education and future career? How will this option affect your child?

- Where will you live, and how will you financially support your child?

- Who will care for your child while you work or go to school? Do you consider the idea of child care by others ideal, acceptable or unacceptable?

- If you raise your child without his or her natural father, do you know someone (such as your father, your adult brother, an adult male friend, etc.) who is willing to serve as a positive, Christian male role model for your child?

Are You Considering Marriage?

You should consider marriage to your child’s father only if there are sound reasons beyond seeking to “legalize” your pregnancy. If you can answer most of the questions below in the positive, perhaps you should discuss this option with those giving you support and counsel:

Do you and the father of your child want to be married now? Were you planning to be married before you discovered you were pregnant?

Are you and the father of your child mature enough mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to take on the responsibilities of husband and wife, father and mother?

If you marry now, what consequences will it have on the schooling and future careers of you and the father? Will you be able to provide financially for the child?

Do close family members and trusted adult friends agree that marriage is the best thing for you, the father and the child?

Do you have supportive family and friends who are willing to help you if you decide to marry and parent the child?

Are You Considering Abortion?

Abortion may seem like a quick and relatively easy solution to your unintentional pregnancy. Before you take that option, consider that you are carrying in your womb a living person. God can see the developing form of that individual already (see Psalm 139: 13-16), and He already knows that baby just as He has known you from the time you were in your mother’s womb (see Jeremiah 1:5). Your baby’s heart is likely beating already, and soon you will be able to feel him or her turn and kick inside you. This person will continue to develop until the time of childbirth. Then the newborn will eventually grow into a child, an adolescent, and finally a mature adult. That small life within you may only be at the beginning stages of growth, but it is already a person.

An abortion ends even the possibility of life. Most abortions are done by inserting a vacuum tube into the uterus and the powerful suction removes the child. Another method is dilation and curettage (D and C), in which a loop-shaped knife cuts the baby from the womb. Yet another procedure is a saline injection through the mother’s abdomen into the baby’s sac. The mother then goes into labor and delivers a still-born body.

The majority of women who have an abortion suffer mental and emotional torment for years. They realize that the abortion is the act of killing the person who would one day call them Mommy. You may be overwhelmed right now by the other complications of your unplanned pregnancy. But there are better ways to respond to your situation than to end the life of the innocent person who was conceived through your mistake.

Questions about Unintentional Pregnancy

Dealing with your many feelings, welcoming the comfort of others, confessing your sin, and receiving God’s forgiveness are important steps in responding to your unintentional pregnancy. But there are other questions that must be considered that impact the people who will be affected by the baby growing inside you. The questions may not be pleasant to think about or easy to answer, but they will start you on the track to dealing with the issues that accompany your pregnancy. Consider going through these questions with a youth leader, a trusted friend, parent or minister.

Are you sure you are pregnant? Have you missed a period? Have you taken an in-home pregnancy test? Have you been examined by a doctor? If you have not confirmed your suspicions of pregnancy, do so. If you need help with this step, ask a mature Christian friend or leader.

Who knows about your pregnancy? It is very important that you immediately disclose your condition to your parents and to your boyfriend and his family. This may seem impossible but suggestions for a meeting with your parents will be discussed in a future blog. Beyond the close circle of the involved families, you need to inform others only if and when you choose.

Sin Against God

How do you deal with your sin against God when you unintentionally become pregnant out of wedlock? As disruptive and damaging as your sin may seem, not only to you, but also to your boyfriend, your families, and others, repentance is appropriate and God’s forgiveness is available. As stated in 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Those who care for you and comfort you at this time will be glad to pray with you as you confess your sin and receive God’s forgiveness. Premarital sex is not an unforgivable sin. You will sense God's care and concern for you as caring people provide comfort, encouragement and support, and as they weep and pray with you.

What if you have a need and nobody steps up to offer help? Ask for it. There is nothing wrong with telling a trusted friend, a youth leader, or your minister about a need and asking for help. In most cases, people are more than willing to help out--they just don’t know what needs to be done. Feel free to help people support you at this time by letting them know what you need. It’s okay to tell someone who cares about you, “I need a hug” or “I just need you to be with me for a while.”

Let the Hurt Out

How do you handle the many different and painful feelings churning within you if you are unintentionally pregnant? Try not to bottle up your feelings. Let your pain flow out with a trusted adult or friend which reflects Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:4: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Mourning is the process of getting the hurt out. This is God’s design for beginning to heal your inner pain. As the apostle Paul wrote, “God…comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

When you experience sorrow, people may try to comfort you by cheering you up, urging you to be strong, or trying to explain away the tragic event. These people no doubt care about you and mean well by their words, but they don't know what comfort looks like.

When Lazarus died and Jesus arrived at the home of his sisters, Mary and Martha, He wept with them (John 11:33-35). Why didn’t Jesus simply tell the grieving Mary and Martha, “No need to cry, because in a few minutes Lazarus will be alive again”? Because at that moment they needed someone to identify with their hurt. Jesus met Mary’s and Martha’s need for comfort by sharing in their sorrow and tears. Later He performed the miracle that turned their sorrow to joy by bringing Lazarus back to life.

We receive comfort when we know we are not suffering alone. Paul instructed us, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Rom. 12:15).

Fear, Guilt, Shame and Regret

In addition to denial, the following feelings are very common for teens who are unintentionally pregnant:

Fear: You may be afraid of how your parents or boyfriend will react. You may fear the changes that will happen in your body or the pain of childbirth. You may be afraid of being rejected by friends, relatives or your church. Or you fear all the unknowns ahead.

Guilt: You realize you have broken God’s laws concerning sexual activity before marriage. You may be so guilt-ridden at this point that you can barely focus on anything else.

Shame: You don’t want to be known as “that kind of girl.” You are embarrassed about losing your reputation as a virgin and fear you will be reminded of your shame for months to come as your pregnancy changes your appearance.

Regret: Knowing that you can’t change the past, you may feel you have ruined your life or your boyfriend’s life. You may think you have shattered your parents’ reputation in the church or the community. You may be feeling for the first time the pain of facing serious consequences that cannot be undone.

Emotional Upheaval

If you are a teen and unintentionally pregnant, you may be experiencing a wide range of emotions. You may feel terribly sad, depressed, hopeless, fearful, frightened, and even angry because of what happened. You may get intensely angry at the situation, at the child growing inside you, at the boy you had sex with or even at God for allowing it to happen. You may cry as you have never cried in your life. You may feel emotionally drained and exhausted. Or you may feel intense guilt or shame about what is happening.

It is important, however, to understand that all these feelings are normal and natural. It is the way God wired you. Your emotions are a built-in release valve to help you handle deep inner pain. It is important to recognize your feelings and deal with them in a productive way. Otherwise, they can come in out in very unproductive ways that can make you situation seem even worse. The following feelings are very common for teens who are unintentionally pregnant:

Denial: You may live in denial that you are pregnant. You may put off taking a pregnancy test, talking to anyone, or seeing a doctor, even when the early signs seem obvious. You may try to ignore the facts and hope they will just go away. To be continued.

Unplanned Pregnancies

It is estimated that one million unmarried girls age nineteen and under get pregnant every year:

Only about 15% of these pregnancies are wanted.

About 85 % of these pregnancies are not wanted.

About 50% of them end in births (includes babies adopted).

About 33% end in abortion.

Less than 2% end in miscarriage.

If you or a friend is an adolescent, unmarried, and unintentionally pregnant, you may be overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings, questions, and decisions that need to be made. This series of blogs will help you work through that pain and what lies ahead.

Teen Pregnancy and School

Jenny drove in silence for a minute. “I really admire you, Stephanie, for putting your baby’s welfare above your own desires and letting someone adopt her.” The affirmation warmed Stephanie’s heart. “Thanks, but I couldn’t have done it without people like you and Mom and Kate. Your support and encouragement have made the decisions easier.”

Jenny nodded her appreciation for the comment. Then she asked, “How is school going?” Stephanie replied, “Now it's going really well. At first it was difficult with kids at school staring and whispering behind my back. But my real friends have been very encouraging.” Smiling, she continued, “I plan to stay in class almost until my due date. Then I’ll home-school until the baby comes. I should be back in school a couple of weeks after the birth so I can graduate with my class.”

“I’m really happy for you, Stephanie,” Jenny said, “everything seems to be working out.” Stephanie hummed her agreement, “Romans 8:28 has been very special to me in the last few months. God is bringing good out of my not-so-good situation and the consequences I am facing.” Jenny smiled, “That’s the best news of all, Stephanie.”

It's a Girl

Placing a hand on her ballooning tummy, Stephanie announced, “It’s a girl. The images were real clear this month, they said. Everything looks good. The baby is healthy and growing.” “A girl-that’s wonderful,” Jenny said with guarded enthusiasm, “but are you doing okay?” “Yes, I’m doing well. The doctor says I’m a couple of pounds overweight, but she wasn’t worried about it.” “I mean are you okay emotionally, knowing that the baby is a girl?” Jenny asked with concern. “Does it make you want to change your mind?”

Stephanie thought about it for a moment. “I had a hunch that it was a girl, so I’m pleased about that. There is still a part of me that would love to take care of my little girl. But Mom and I prayed about this a lot, talked a lot, and cried a lot. I’m convinced that the best thing for the baby is to grow up with our plans to share her with a loving family.”

“Are Brent and his parents okay about that?” Jenny asked. “Yes. It might be different if Brent was someone I already planned to marry. But we're not going to be together. We both know that. And it might be different if I was mature enough to raise the child by myself. But I’m not. His family and mine agree that the baby deserves a better home than either Brent or I can provide.”

Reactions to Unplanned Pregnancy

At first, Stephanie's dad was disgusted and angry at her unplanned pregnancy and her brother's “holier-than-thou” response made her feel like a tramp. Stephanie prayed that God would help her mend those relationships, which were very important to her.

Brent, the baby's father, didn’t believe the news until Stephanie gave him the number at the clinic, saying he could call Monday and talk to the doctor himself. Then he seemed so rattled that he didn’t know what to say. Stephanie encouraged him to talk to his parents and call her in a few days.

For the last several minutes before falling asleep, Stephanie placed her hands on her tummy. She imagined what her baby looked like now and what it would look like at birth. Was it a boy or a girl? Would it look more like her or like Brent? Would this baby have a better opportunity for a happy, fulfilling life in the home of adoptive parents, or should she take responsibility for it no matter what the cost to her? Question after question came to her, but there were no answers.

Stephanie’s last thought of the day was a peaceful one. She was not alone in her difficult and painful circumstances. Thanks to her youth leader, Jenny, her best friend, Kate, and an understanding mother, she knew she was on the right track.

What About School?

Jenny, Stephanie and Claire talked for almost an hour about many of the implications of Stephanie’s pregnancy. She expressed her desire to at least start classes for the fall term. Jenny suggested that Claire and Stephanie discuss the issue with the school officials on Monday. They debated how it would be best for Stephanie to tell her father and brother about the pregnancy. They finally decided that a phone call later in the day would be sufficient. Stephanie said she would also call Brent that evening, asking her mother to be with her when she did.

They spent a little time comparing the advantages and disadvantages of single parenthood and adoption. The discussion turned to Stephanie’s goals for education and career and how these goals would be impacted by each option. Just before leaving, Jenny led a prayer for God’s wisdom and guidance as Stephanie and Claire continued to sort through the options and implications of the pregnancy.

Mom...I'm Pregnant

Stephanie felt terrible that she was about to tell her mother that she's pregnant. Jenny had said that her parents would probably experience many of the same emotions she was struggling through-- confusion, fear, guilt, shame, anger. “Just like you,” Jenny had said as she drove Stephanie home, “your parents need time to adjust to the news of your pregnancy and its implications on their lives.”

“Jenny and I need to talk to you about something, Mom,” Stephanie said. “Can we sit down for a few minutes?” After drawing a deep breath Stephanie said, “I found out yesterday…that I’m…pregnant.” Claire’s face clouded with disbelief. “You…you’re pregnant? Stephanie, why…how….?” Stephanie summarized her encounter with Brent in June and the results of the pregnancy test the previous afternoon. Her mother listened in stunned silence.

“Mom, I am so sorry to disappoint you like this,” as tears trickled down her cheeks. “I never wanted this to happen. I made a terrible mistake. With Jenny’s help, I have confessed my sin to God. But I know what I have done will be an embarrassment and an extra burden to you. I apologize and ask you to forgive me.” Claire began to weep. “Of course I forgive you, Stephanie,” she said. “I am shocked and disappointed and hurt, but I forgive you.” Mother and daughter embraced, held each other, and cried together.

I Got Pregnant the First Time!

“Are you sure Brent is the father?” Jenny asked Stephanie. Stephanie forced a humorless laugh. “The only time in my life I have sex--unprotected or otherwise--and I got pregnant. Yes, Brent is definitely the father.”

Stephanie, Jenny, and Kate spent an hour talking through the many choices Stephanie would have to make regarding her baby’s future. Kate and Jenny promised to be available to help her in any way they could: take her to medical appointments, make arrangements for finishing school after the baby comes, or talk to adoption agencies if she chose to let someone else raise the baby.

Then Jenny helped Stephanie think through what she would say when they sat down with her mother later in the day to break the news. Finally, they joined hands in prayer. Kate and Jenny asked God to fill Stephanie with His wisdom and perseverance through the months ahead and to help her with the immediate tasks of talking to her mother, father, brother, and Brent and his family.

Questions that Need Answers

Jenny, a church youth leader, is helping Stephanie to prepare to tell her mother that she’s pregnant. After Stephanie stated that abortion was not a consideration, Jenny moved on to her next question. “Do you love Brent? Do you want to marry him?” Stephanie frowned. “I don’t think I love Brent at all. I hardly know him. Our relationship was childish and selfish I suppose--nothing to build a marriage on. Besides, he lives out West, and I live here. We don’t have anything in common…except this.” She touched her abdomen, which was beginning to make room for the fetus within.

“Would you consider raising the child yourself as a single parent?” Jenny asked. “I don’t know,” Stephanie said, searching the ceiling in thought. “I’ve always wanted to be a mother, and there are many things about having a child that appeal to me. But I haven’t even finished high school yet. I don’t have a job, and it’s not fair to ask Mom to support us both. I also wonder if being raised by a working mom is really the best thing for my child. I need to think about that more.”

Jenny continued, “How would you feel about Brent or his parents raising your child, if they wanted to do so?” Stephanie frowned again. “I don’t even know his parents. If I gave the child up, I would want to make sure it would go to an excellent home.” “So you’ve already thought about adoption?” Kate interjected. After a sigh, Stephanie said, “I know that it’s an option, but I need to learn more about it. But whatever I decide, I think Brent should have a vote.”