Fear of Rejection

The following young woman wrote to tell me how fear had affected her view of sex:

The basic human emotion involved in my sexual explorations was fear--fear of not knowing something (or anything), fear of missing out on the “fun,” fear of getting old, and fear of commitment. I was afraid--afraid that all the excitement in life was passing by my door, afraid that, should I get married, I would end up getting divorced because I wouldn’t know what I was doing in bed. I surely didn’t want a divorce! And there was a desire to go along with the crowd so I wouldn’t feel left out and strange when the conversation turned to sex.

But most of all, at the gut level, there was a desire for intimacy, a desire for marriage, a desire for commitment, a desire for fulfillment, and a desire to hear the words “I accept you.” But the fears arose. What if none of these needs was met? Frustration set in. In an attempt to find fulfillment and acceptance, “rolling into and out of bed” became a common pattern for me, a balm to cover my fears. Fulfillment took the scope of a few hours instead of what I had imagined—a lifetime.

Those who “give sex” out of fear of rejection are trying to buy security with their bodies and self-esteem, a price God never intended anyone to pay. They need to turn to Christ and to His truth to find where real security lies. They need to begin seeing themselves through God’s eyes.

God Created Needs

God created a number of needs in human beings; one of them being our need for companionship. In fact, one of the first things God said about us was, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18 NIV). A teenager looking for companionship through sex is legitimately lonely. It is a real condition, not something he cooked up in his head. Loneliness was not part of God’s design for us.

When God gives us a need, He also gives a way for that need to be met. To deny the need, mask it, or run away from it is to avoid God’s plan for fulfilling it. Such responses are self-defeating, and can only be unfulfilling. When we admit we are lonely and have a relational need that must be fulfilled, we are on the way to fulfilling it. Our next move must be in the direction of God, though, because a God-given desire can be met only in God’s way.

I Wanted to be Loved

Usually, adolescent sex is a quest for a steady relationship, not sex. Steady relationships can remove aloneness for months. Yet the fear of losing that person and being lonely again prompts one to have sex to keep that person. But what they are really looking for is affection and companionship. After I returned from a speaking tour in England, a student wrote me a letter in which she said, “I just want someone to love me (not physically).” Then she made a statement which I think communicates where most young people are today, not just in our Western culture, but around the world: “I want someone who cares. I want to love and I want to be loved, but I don’t know how to do either.”

Some girls want to have a baby in hopes that their boyfriend will marry them, and then he and the child will take away her loneliness. Even in the case of teenage pregnancies where marriage does not follow, approximately 96 percent of teenage unwed mothers who do not have an abortion end up keeping their children. This is generally done in order to meet their own emotional need for companionship—that is, to have a child to love and to return love to them. Babies should be loved and nurtured, not born with the role of filling the unmet needs of an adolescent mother.

Searching for Companionship and Affection

The search for intimacy is a search for companionship. People are desperate to escape the loneliness that plagues our culture. And adolescents are among the most vulnerable to the pain of loneliness. It’s another reason kids get involved in premarital sex. A sexual encounter is at least a momentary escape from loneliness.

Girls are most vulnerable to loneliness. The following student got an up-close look at loneliness and how her friend tried unsuccessfully to escape it through sex.

I used to think it would be OK to have sex with a steady boyfriend; at least then you would be doing it with someone who really did care about you. I thought that until I lived with my roommate, Liz. Liz dated Chris for two years. They went to high school homecomings and proms together, they drank beer and ate Oreos together, and they made love together in the back of Chris’ car. And afterward, Chris would drive Liz back home. Then Liz found out she was pregnant. Chris said he couldn’t marry her because he had a good football scholarship. So Liz went to a clinic to have an abortion. She went by herself. Once again, she was alone.

Unconditional Love

Are today’s young people capable of finding real intimacy? Absolutely! Here is one who wrote to tell me how it happened.

I used to search for intimacy by latching onto a “special someone,” because I felt that as long as I had his love and approval everything would be OK. Yet there was usually a high price tag: the giving of my body. The penalty I paid was that of feeling cheap, used, and guilty. I began to wonder if there would ever be someone who would love and accept me without demanding that I do something to earn that love.

Then I learned about the unconditional love that God has for me. I decided to ask Jesus Christ to come into my life and teach me what true love is all about. I can say with certainty that He has made a difference! Instead of feeling cheap, used, and guilty, I now know that I am valuable, forgiven. I have a new life that began the moment I asked Christ into my life.

Because I have experienced an intimate love relationship with God first, I am now able to develop lasting, meaningful relationships with those around me. I also know that when I do marry and can enjoy sex in its proper context, my sex life won’t be mediocre. It will be excellent because that’s what God desires for those who choose Him: excellence in all areas of their lives!

For young people or anyone, the first step to real intimacy is a life-changing relationship with Jesus Christ.

True Intimacy

Real intimacy is the result of letting another person see who you are. But if you don’t feel good about yourself and your identity, you will keep yourself hidden and never achieve intimacy. Only a person with a relatively good sense of security and identity can fully enter into the experience of intimacy.

We can never enjoy the full potential richness of a meaningful relationship—for which we were created—without becoming intimate with at least one other person. Again, I am speaking primarily about psychological and spiritual intimacy, which is the result of being open and transparent. It is more a matter of communication and sharing than of any kind of grand passion. When two people confide in each other about their innermost dreams, hopes and thoughts, they are “being intimate.” True intimacy involves being able to remove all the masks and disguises we hide behind, without fear of rejection, and be known and loved for ourselves.

The Fear of Intimacy

Today we see people getting involved in sexual activity, often promiscuous sexual activity, for the simple reason that they don’t understand what true intimacy is. Sexual experience becomes a substitute for intimacy. We use phrases like “making love” and “being intimate” in talking about sexual intercourse. Yet most sexual involvements, outside the loving commitment of marriage, express very little genuine love or closeness.

Not only do many people misunderstand what real intimacy is, but they are afraid of it. Why do people fear intimacy? Because intimacy inevitably brings vulnerability. Emotional sharing requires self-disclosure, and for many of us the idea of opening up our innermost selves is a scary prospect. Many young people repeatedly share their bodies because they are afraid to share themselves. They participate in countless “one-night stands” because they are afraid to be vulnerable. Most teens and adults mistake the ecstasy of an orgasm for the intimacy of love.