Six common emotional needs are attention, appreciation, approval, acceptance, respect, and affection. Attention, appreciation, approval, and acceptance were expanded on in the last two blogs. Here are more:
Respect
Our need for respect is met when we feel highly valued and esteemed by others. You may identify with the following statements if you don't feel respected by your parents:
My parents or friends are always yelling at me.
I don't have any privacy at home.
I feel like my parents or friends don't trust me.
Mom and Dad treat me like a little kid.
My parents are always checking up on me.
Affection
Affection is communicated through physical closeness and loving words. A lack of parent/child affection is reflected in the following statements:
It seems that my parents treat my brother or sister better than they treat me.
I wish I felt closer to my parents or friends.
My parents hardly ever tell me they love me.
Dad and Mom seldom hug or kiss me anymore.
I don't receive much affection from my parents or friends.
I know my parents love me, but sometimes they don't act like it.
Showing posts with label needs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label needs. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
I Need Approval and Acceptance
Six common emotional needs are attention, appreciation, approval, acceptance, respect, and affection. Attention and appreciation were expanded on in the last blog. Here are more:
Approval
Our need for approval is met when others compliment our deeds and speak well of us. These statements reflect a student whose need for approval is not being met by parents or friends. Are they true of you?
Nothing I do is good enough for my parents or friends.
My parents or friends don't approve of me.
It seems that my parents or friends criticize me all the time.
My parents or friends sometimes make me feel like a complete failure.
Acceptance
We feel accepted when people know we are different and imperfect and love us anyway. Someone who doesn't feel accepted may make these statements:
My parents or friends only seem to care about me if I do what they want me to do.
Dad and Mom can't accept the fact that I'm different from them.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in this family.
They treat me like I don't know anything.
When I mess up, my parents or friends can't seem to forgive me.
Approval
Our need for approval is met when others compliment our deeds and speak well of us. These statements reflect a student whose need for approval is not being met by parents or friends. Are they true of you?
Nothing I do is good enough for my parents or friends.
My parents or friends don't approve of me.
It seems that my parents or friends criticize me all the time.
My parents or friends sometimes make me feel like a complete failure.
Acceptance
We feel accepted when people know we are different and imperfect and love us anyway. Someone who doesn't feel accepted may make these statements:
My parents or friends only seem to care about me if I do what they want me to do.
Dad and Mom can't accept the fact that I'm different from them.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in this family.
They treat me like I don't know anything.
When I mess up, my parents or friends can't seem to forgive me.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I Need Attention and Appreciation
Six common emotional needs are attention, appreciation, approval, acceptance, respect, and affection. As you read about these six needs, two or three of them may stand out to you. They are likely your most pressing emotional needs at this time. At some point in the future, it will be helpful for you to talk to your parents about them:
Attention
Our need for attention is met when someone shows interest and concern for who we are and what we do. If any of the following statements are true of you, perhaps your need for attention is not being fully met in your closest relationships:
My parents or friends don't ever listen to me.
My parents or friends don't have time for me.
I often feel ignored by my parents or friends.
Dad and Mom rarely do anything with me.
My friends never want to do what I want to do.
My parents almost never come to anything I'm involved in (concerts, ball games, etc).
Appreciation
We feel appreciated when others share words of gratitude or praise for what we do. If you can identify with any of these statements, your need for appreciation is not being fully met:
My parents seldom notice when I do something around the house.
Mom and Dad talk about my bad behavior but hardly ever mention the good things.
I don't think my parents or friends are aware of my positive qualities.
I hardly ever hear the words "Thank you" from my parents or friends.
Attention
Our need for attention is met when someone shows interest and concern for who we are and what we do. If any of the following statements are true of you, perhaps your need for attention is not being fully met in your closest relationships:
My parents or friends don't ever listen to me.
My parents or friends don't have time for me.
I often feel ignored by my parents or friends.
Dad and Mom rarely do anything with me.
My friends never want to do what I want to do.
My parents almost never come to anything I'm involved in (concerts, ball games, etc).
Appreciation
We feel appreciated when others share words of gratitude or praise for what we do. If you can identify with any of these statements, your need for appreciation is not being fully met:
My parents seldom notice when I do something around the house.
Mom and Dad talk about my bad behavior but hardly ever mention the good things.
I don't think my parents or friends are aware of my positive qualities.
I hardly ever hear the words "Thank you" from my parents or friends.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
What Are Emotional Needs?
What are your emotional needs? You may not know how to answer that question. It is possible that your parents and friends are not meeting some of your emotional needs, because they have not identified them either. Just imagine what could happen in your relationships if you could identify some needs, share them with your parents and begin to work with them - instead of against them - to see those needs met. Think how that same process could help clear up conflicts.
Six common emotional needs often go unmet in relationships. They are the need for attention, appreciation, approval, acceptance, respect, and affection. God created us with these needs, and He gave us parents and others to help meet them. Conflicts between people often arise when these needs are neither identified nor communicated. You tell your parents when you feel hungry and in need of food, so why not tell them when you are needy emotionally, so they can better meet those needs? I will expand on the six needs in future blogs.
Six common emotional needs often go unmet in relationships. They are the need for attention, appreciation, approval, acceptance, respect, and affection. God created us with these needs, and He gave us parents and others to help meet them. Conflicts between people often arise when these needs are neither identified nor communicated. You tell your parents when you feel hungry and in need of food, so why not tell them when you are needy emotionally, so they can better meet those needs? I will expand on the six needs in future blogs.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Encouraged
To get through conflict with parents or friends, you need encouragement along with comfort and support. You receive encouragement when someone does something thoughtful to lift your spirits like committing to pray and saying affirming words. Encouraging deeds may not seem as practical as solving problems, but they are just as necessary. What if you do not receive the encouragement you need? Ask for it. It's okay to tell someone who cares about you, "I need a hug" or "I just need you to be with me for awhile."
There are practical steps you can take to resolve your difficulties with others. When you don't get along with people, you may think that they are just being difficult and unreasonable. This may be partly true, but there is often a deeper issue. The conflict may exist because some of your needs are not being met. Everyone has needs. We have physical needs for food, rest, and safety. We have spiritual needs for forgiveness, fellowship with God, and freedom from guilt and shame. And we also have emotional needs, such as the need for love, security, and a sense of belonging.
You need not be ashamed or embarrassed about being needy. God created us with these needs and provided the means for getting these needs met. Philippians 4:19 reads, "My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
God is ultimately the source of all fulfilled needs, but He has chosen to meet a large number of your needs through relationships with others: parents, other family members, church leaders and friends.
There are practical steps you can take to resolve your difficulties with others. When you don't get along with people, you may think that they are just being difficult and unreasonable. This may be partly true, but there is often a deeper issue. The conflict may exist because some of your needs are not being met. Everyone has needs. We have physical needs for food, rest, and safety. We have spiritual needs for forgiveness, fellowship with God, and freedom from guilt and shame. And we also have emotional needs, such as the need for love, security, and a sense of belonging.
You need not be ashamed or embarrassed about being needy. God created us with these needs and provided the means for getting these needs met. Philippians 4:19 reads, "My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
God is ultimately the source of all fulfilled needs, but He has chosen to meet a large number of your needs through relationships with others: parents, other family members, church leaders and friends.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Supported in Conflict
You need more than just comfort to get through conflict with parents or friends. You also need the support of others. What's the difference between comfort and support? People supply comfort when they share your sorrow emotionally. People supply support by helping you in practical, useful ways. You need the help of people who are committed to obeying Galatians 6:2: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." It is one thing to have someone there to share your pain and sorrow in a conflict. It is something else to have one or more persons step in and help you resolve the conflict.
You may be tempted to ignore or to refuse the support offered by others. You may feel that you can handle it yourself, or you may not want to bother other people with your problems. Resist that temptation. Let other people help you, and be grateful for their help. It is one of the ways God is providing for you at this time.
What if you need practical help and nobody offers it? Ask for it. There is nothing wrong with telling a trusted friend, youth leader, or minister about your need and asking for help. In most cases, people are more than willing to help out. Usually, they just don't know what needs to be done. Feel free to help people support you at this time by letting them know what you need.
You may be tempted to ignore or to refuse the support offered by others. You may feel that you can handle it yourself, or you may not want to bother other people with your problems. Resist that temptation. Let other people help you, and be grateful for their help. It is one of the ways God is providing for you at this time.
What if you need practical help and nobody offers it? Ask for it. There is nothing wrong with telling a trusted friend, youth leader, or minister about your need and asking for help. In most cases, people are more than willing to help out. Usually, they just don't know what needs to be done. Feel free to help people support you at this time by letting them know what you need.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Receiving Comfort
Your greatest need as you express emotional pain is for others to comfort you. This happens when you tell others your story. Someone feels your pain and shares in the sorrow with you. In a time of emotional hurt, our greatest comfort comes when others sorrow with us. The apostle Paul wrote, "God . . . comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Cor. 1:3-4).
Jesus illustrated the ministry of comfort when His friend Lazarus died (see John II). When Jesus arrived at the home of Lazarus's sisters, Mary and Martha, He wept with them. Why didn't Jesus simply tell the grieving Mary and Martha, "No need to cry, My friends, because in a few minutes Lazarus will be alive again?" Because at that moment they needed someone to identify with their hurt. Later He performed the miracle that turned their sorrow to joy.
When you experience sorrow, people may try to comfort you by cheering you up, urging you to be strong, or trying to explain away the tragic event. These people no doubt care about you and mean well by their words. But they may not know what comfort sounds like. Hopefully, there is also someone around who will provide the comfort you need. You will sense God's care and concern for you as this someone hurts with you, sorrows with you, and even weeps with you.
Jesus illustrated the ministry of comfort when His friend Lazarus died (see John II). When Jesus arrived at the home of Lazarus's sisters, Mary and Martha, He wept with them. Why didn't Jesus simply tell the grieving Mary and Martha, "No need to cry, My friends, because in a few minutes Lazarus will be alive again?" Because at that moment they needed someone to identify with their hurt. Later He performed the miracle that turned their sorrow to joy.
When you experience sorrow, people may try to comfort you by cheering you up, urging you to be strong, or trying to explain away the tragic event. These people no doubt care about you and mean well by their words. But they may not know what comfort sounds like. Hopefully, there is also someone around who will provide the comfort you need. You will sense God's care and concern for you as this someone hurts with you, sorrows with you, and even weeps with you.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Struggling To Get Along With Others
How are you dealing with your struggle to get along with others and the negative effects of this conflict in your life? Try going to a trusted Christian friend or mentor. You may experience a wide range of feelings about your conflicts. You may feel sad, depressed, hopeless, abandoned, frightened, and even angry. You may cry about what is happening. You may feel emotionally drained. Or you may get angry at the situation, at your parents or friends or even at God for allowing it to happen.
It is important to understand that all these feelings are normal and natural. It is the way God wired you. Your emotions are a built-in release valve to help you handle the inner pain. Of course, there are both productive and unproductive ways of expressing these emotions.
The first healthy step in dealing with this situation is pouring out your story to a trusted friend or mentor. This response reflects Jesus' words in Matthew 5:4: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Mourning is the process of getting the hurt out. You share how you feel so others can hurt with you. This is God's design for blessing you and for beginning to heal the pain that accompanies a difficult struggle in your relationships. It is good and necessary that you experience the different emotions that come at this time.
It is important to understand that all these feelings are normal and natural. It is the way God wired you. Your emotions are a built-in release valve to help you handle the inner pain. Of course, there are both productive and unproductive ways of expressing these emotions.
The first healthy step in dealing with this situation is pouring out your story to a trusted friend or mentor. This response reflects Jesus' words in Matthew 5:4: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Mourning is the process of getting the hurt out. You share how you feel so others can hurt with you. This is God's design for blessing you and for beginning to heal the pain that accompanies a difficult struggle in your relationships. It is good and necessary that you experience the different emotions that come at this time.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
My Friends are Clueless
Your friends are sometimes clueless about your emotional needs because they are too busy with their own lives, because they are too self-centered or because they lack the sensitivity and skills for being a caring, supportive friend.
Concern over relational conflicts can negatively affect your grades. Sometimes motivation and concentration have been dulled by a lack of encouragement and interest from parents. How have your difficulties at home impacted your daily life? There are many negative effects that result when people don't get along. Perhaps you will identify with one or more of the following:
You may feel worthless or unimportant.
Your concentration and motivation in school may be weak, and your grades may suffer as a result.
Lacking full acceptance from those you care about, you may be tempted to hang out with others who are a bad influence on your moral and spiritual values.
You may have difficulty finding and developing other good relationships.
You may be tempted to rebel against your parents or to hurt your friend in order to gain their attention or to punish them for their lack of attentiveness.
Lack of close interaction or caring in relationships may tempt you to get involved with alcohol or drugs.
You may be tempted to find the intimacy you miss in sexual activity.
Concern over relational conflicts can negatively affect your grades. Sometimes motivation and concentration have been dulled by a lack of encouragement and interest from parents. How have your difficulties at home impacted your daily life? There are many negative effects that result when people don't get along. Perhaps you will identify with one or more of the following:
You may feel worthless or unimportant.
Your concentration and motivation in school may be weak, and your grades may suffer as a result.
Lacking full acceptance from those you care about, you may be tempted to hang out with others who are a bad influence on your moral and spiritual values.
You may have difficulty finding and developing other good relationships.
You may be tempted to rebel against your parents or to hurt your friend in order to gain their attention or to punish them for their lack of attentiveness.
Lack of close interaction or caring in relationships may tempt you to get involved with alcohol or drugs.
You may be tempted to find the intimacy you miss in sexual activity.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Parent Problems
There are a variety of reasons that parents may be inattentive to the needs of their children. Financial pressure and hectic lifestyles were discussed last time. Here are more:
Family Breakup
Divorce and single parenting create great stress on parents. One parent may be left with the parenting work of two. Extra financial burdens, the beginning of a new career or education track, and new relationships may distract the parent and make careful attention to each child seem impossible.
Large Families
The more children there are in the family, the harder it may be to give appropriate attention and care to each.
Self-Centeredness
Parents tend to neglect their children if they are constantly preoccupied with their own interests and activities. Their drive to climb the social ladder or to achieve status and wealth are sometimes elevated above the emotional needs of the children.
Lack of Parenting Skills
Some parents do not know how to meet all the needs of their children. Some believe that parenting only means providing for physical and material needs.
It is highly unlikely that your parents are purposely inattentive to your needs or disagreeable toward you and your lifestyle. Are one or more of the reasons above keeping your parents from meeting your needs?
Family Breakup
Divorce and single parenting create great stress on parents. One parent may be left with the parenting work of two. Extra financial burdens, the beginning of a new career or education track, and new relationships may distract the parent and make careful attention to each child seem impossible.
Large Families
The more children there are in the family, the harder it may be to give appropriate attention and care to each.
Self-Centeredness
Parents tend to neglect their children if they are constantly preoccupied with their own interests and activities. Their drive to climb the social ladder or to achieve status and wealth are sometimes elevated above the emotional needs of the children.
Lack of Parenting Skills
Some parents do not know how to meet all the needs of their children. Some believe that parenting only means providing for physical and material needs.
It is highly unlikely that your parents are purposely inattentive to your needs or disagreeable toward you and your lifestyle. Are one or more of the reasons above keeping your parents from meeting your needs?
Monday, January 11, 2010
Parents Aren’t Perfect
Why may your parents be unaware of your needs? Parenting is a tough job, and there are no perfect parents. Adults must juggle many demands of life in addition to raising their children. With the pressures and responsibilities of marriage, career, finances and outside activities, many parents find it difficult to give their full attention and care to their children. There are a variety of reasons that parents may be inattentive to the needs of their children. Perhaps your parents are struggling with one or more of the following:
Financial Pressure
Many parents work so hard each week to put food on the table and to pay the bills that their children are sometimes neglected. Some single parents must work two jobs to make ends meet, leaving little time for the children. In many two-parent homes, both Dad and Mom work full-time. Financial pressures can be so exhausting that parents have little attention or energy left for their children.
Hectic Lifestyle
Parents are often so involved with the demands of a busy life that some important things get left undone. Career, church and community activities may keep them going day and night. And the activities of their children - sports, school functions, music lessons, camps, church activities and more - just add to their hectic schedules. Parents may be so busy doing things for and with their children that they overlook the important role of being attentive parents. (To Be Continued.)
Financial Pressure
Many parents work so hard each week to put food on the table and to pay the bills that their children are sometimes neglected. Some single parents must work two jobs to make ends meet, leaving little time for the children. In many two-parent homes, both Dad and Mom work full-time. Financial pressures can be so exhausting that parents have little attention or energy left for their children.
Hectic Lifestyle
Parents are often so involved with the demands of a busy life that some important things get left undone. Career, church and community activities may keep them going day and night. And the activities of their children - sports, school functions, music lessons, camps, church activities and more - just add to their hectic schedules. Parents may be so busy doing things for and with their children that they overlook the important role of being attentive parents. (To Be Continued.)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Guilty of Inattention
In many homes, parents are not criminally negligent or abusive, but they may be guilty of being inattentive to less obvious emotional needs. This may be the case in your family. Your parents may provide a safe, healthy environment in which to live and care for your physical well-being. But you may struggle to get along, because they don't seem to understand that you need more than three meals a day and a roof over your head to feel loved and accepted.
How about the other important relationships in your life? Are you on great terms with somebody one week and then strangers or enemies the next? Whether you are clashing with your parents, friends, or other people, the issue is the same. You have valid emotional needs, and when those needs are ignored, conflicts arise.
If this describes some of your relationships, it is important that you understand three things. First, it will be helpful for you to know why people are inattentive to some of your needs. Second, you must identify the specific needs in your life that are being overlooked or ignored by others. Third, it is important to understand how to talk to your parents and others about your needs.
How about the other important relationships in your life? Are you on great terms with somebody one week and then strangers or enemies the next? Whether you are clashing with your parents, friends, or other people, the issue is the same. You have valid emotional needs, and when those needs are ignored, conflicts arise.
If this describes some of your relationships, it is important that you understand three things. First, it will be helpful for you to know why people are inattentive to some of your needs. Second, you must identify the specific needs in your life that are being overlooked or ignored by others. Third, it is important to understand how to talk to your parents and others about your needs.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Do My Parents Love Me?
Do you seem to be at odds with your parents about practically everything? Do you hear more criticisms at home than compliments? Do your parents give you grief about your appearance, your manners (or lack of them), your room, your music, your friends, your grades or your activities? Do they easily catch you doing things wrong and hardly ever notice when you do things right? Do many of your conversations end up as arguments or shouting matches? Does it seem that they are more interested in your brothers or sisters than in you? Do you sometimes wonder whether your parents really love you?
In some families, parent/child conflicts may be so severe that they can be described as abusive. Other parents neglect their children's basic needs for shelter, food, clothing, medical attention, education, emotional support and so on. Children in these kinds of homes should report physical, sexual or emotional abuse to the proper authorities or to a trusted adult. Emotional abuse is very serious and needs the proper attention, but most of what I will be talking about over the next several blogs is primarily about parents becoming inattentive—a serious situation but one that can quite often be corrected.
In some families, parent/child conflicts may be so severe that they can be described as abusive. Other parents neglect their children's basic needs for shelter, food, clothing, medical attention, education, emotional support and so on. Children in these kinds of homes should report physical, sexual or emotional abuse to the proper authorities or to a trusted adult. Emotional abuse is very serious and needs the proper attention, but most of what I will be talking about over the next several blogs is primarily about parents becoming inattentive—a serious situation but one that can quite often be corrected.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Not Around My Friends, Okay?
Ken had asked his youth leader, Doug, to help him talk to his parents about things not going well at home. When the conversation got a little tense, Doug cut in respectfully. "Ken, maybe it would help if you told your Dad what you'd like to hear him say in a situation like the other night." Turning toward his dad, Ken said, "I would have felt better if you said something like, 'How is your homework going?' And when I showed you my worksheet, you might say, 'Good job so far. If you need any help, ask me, and don't let the music distract you.'" His father nodded, “I'm sorry I was hard on you the other night, and at other times too. I guess I am so eager for you to succeed that I forget to notice when you do succeed. I'm very sorry, Ken. His mother added, "We'll do our best to notice your strengths and good behavior and mention them to you."
Ken went on, "It would be great sometimes," he concluded, "if you could just come into my room, ask how I'm doing, and listen to me." His parents apologized again and promised to be more attentive. "And … uh … I kind of miss the hugs, and I still like to hear you say 'I love you.'" Ken's Mom was on her feet immediately "I'm so happy to hear you say that, Ken. I haven't hugged you as much lately because I thought you didn't want to be treated like a child. "There's just one thing," Ken said, wiping away his tears with a smile. "I want hugs and kisses, but not when my friends are around, okay?" The four of them enjoyed a good, long laugh.
Doug prayed for the family and Ken walked him to the front door. "Thanks a lot Doug, for ... you know ... just, thanks." "You did a great job, and your parents ... well, I think they really love you. Are you feeling okay about talking to Todd?” Ken said, “I think I can do it by myself... except for your prayers, of course." Closing the door, he was almost excited about clearing the air with his friend Todd. And he would enjoy talking to Doug - and his parents - about the meeting afterward.
Ken went on, "It would be great sometimes," he concluded, "if you could just come into my room, ask how I'm doing, and listen to me." His parents apologized again and promised to be more attentive. "And … uh … I kind of miss the hugs, and I still like to hear you say 'I love you.'" Ken's Mom was on her feet immediately "I'm so happy to hear you say that, Ken. I haven't hugged you as much lately because I thought you didn't want to be treated like a child. "There's just one thing," Ken said, wiping away his tears with a smile. "I want hugs and kisses, but not when my friends are around, okay?" The four of them enjoyed a good, long laugh.
Doug prayed for the family and Ken walked him to the front door. "Thanks a lot Doug, for ... you know ... just, thanks." "You did a great job, and your parents ... well, I think they really love you. Are you feeling okay about talking to Todd?” Ken said, “I think I can do it by myself... except for your prayers, of course." Closing the door, he was almost excited about clearing the air with his friend Todd. And he would enjoy talking to Doug - and his parents - about the meeting afterward.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Mom and Dad, I Really Need …
Ken was so nervous that his voice squeaked when he spoke. "Mom and Dad, I've been talking to Doug recently, and he has really helped me see some things in my life more clearly. I came to better appreciate how well you take care of me with a nice home, plenty to eat, and buying most of my clothes and stuff for me.” Ken swallowed hard. “And I ... I love you both." Doug noticed a glimmer of a smile on the faces of Ken’s parents. "We love you too, Kenneth," his Mom said. Dad nodded.
Ken cleared his throat. He found it very difficult to say these words, and he wished he could leave the room, but it was too important. "Since you are so good at taking care of my needs, I want to tell you about a couple of other areas where I kind of need your help. Would that be okay?" "Of course, Ken," Dad said. Ken squirmed uncomfortably, “Well, I'm learning that I have a pretty big need for your approval. I know I screw up a lot, and you tell me about it when I do. I need to be corrected sometimes. But it would help me if you'd also mention when I do something right. When I don't hear your approval, I begin to think everything I do is wrong. If either of you notices something I do right, would you be willing to tell me about it?"
After several silent seconds, his Dad said, "Do you really think we don't approve of you?" "Sometimes, Dad, when I only hear that my grades aren't good enough, that you don't like my clothes, that my room is messy ..." Ken could have added more to the list, but he didn't want to overdo it. "Kenneth, you're our son," his Dad said, "and we're very proud of you. We only discipline you because we want the best for you."
Ken nodded. "I know, Dad. But when all I hear about is what needs to change, I get discouraged. It's like the other night, when you took away my CD player. I was working on my homework, and it was half done. But you didn't see that. Instead, all I heard about was how bad my music and study habits are." (To be continued)
Ken cleared his throat. He found it very difficult to say these words, and he wished he could leave the room, but it was too important. "Since you are so good at taking care of my needs, I want to tell you about a couple of other areas where I kind of need your help. Would that be okay?" "Of course, Ken," Dad said. Ken squirmed uncomfortably, “Well, I'm learning that I have a pretty big need for your approval. I know I screw up a lot, and you tell me about it when I do. I need to be corrected sometimes. But it would help me if you'd also mention when I do something right. When I don't hear your approval, I begin to think everything I do is wrong. If either of you notices something I do right, would you be willing to tell me about it?"
After several silent seconds, his Dad said, "Do you really think we don't approve of you?" "Sometimes, Dad, when I only hear that my grades aren't good enough, that you don't like my clothes, that my room is messy ..." Ken could have added more to the list, but he didn't want to overdo it. "Kenneth, you're our son," his Dad said, "and we're very proud of you. We only discipline you because we want the best for you."
Ken nodded. "I know, Dad. But when all I hear about is what needs to change, I get discouraged. It's like the other night, when you took away my CD player. I was working on my homework, and it was half done. But you didn't see that. Instead, all I heard about was how bad my music and study habits are." (To be continued)
Monday, December 21, 2009
I Feel Really Ignored
After church, Ken met Doug, his youth leader, in an empty Sunday school-classroom. "How's it been going at home since we talked last week, Ken?" Doug began. “It's like I'm not even part of the family unless I do something Mom and Dad don't approve of - and they seem to find plenty of those things each week." Doug asked, "Have you ever said to your Mom or Dad, I'm really feeling ignored. Do you have fifteen minutes you can spend with me?" "No way," Ken answered. Doug pressed on. "But when you're hungry, you're not afraid to ask them for something to eat, right? Then why can't you express your other needs and respectfully ask your parents to meet them?"
Ken had never considered telling his parents what he really felt. Doug continued, “And how would you feel if they started to notice your positive behavior and complimented you when you did something right?" Ken gave a small laugh. "I'd feel like they were on drugs." Doug laughed, then said, "Seriously, you have emotional needs, Ken - everybody does. You tell your Mom and Dad about your physical hunger for food, and they fill that need. I believe if you tell them about your emotional hunger for attention and approval, they will try to meet those needs too, because I think they really do love you."
Ken felt a mild flash of panic. "What do you mean by 'tell them'?" "I don't know if I can do that with my parents," he said nervously. "Sure you can," Doug said, sounding rock-solid confident. "I'll even go with you if you want, after you and I have talked and prayed together about your specific needs and how they are not being met." Ken could hardly believe it. "You would really do that?" During the next forty minutes, Doug helped Ken identify three of emotional needs that were not being met at home.
When Ken's dad arrived to pick him up, Doug asked if he could stop by later in the afternoon for a visit. Mr. Meyers agreed. Ken rode home in silence, nervous but hopeful. (To be continued.)
Ken had never considered telling his parents what he really felt. Doug continued, “And how would you feel if they started to notice your positive behavior and complimented you when you did something right?" Ken gave a small laugh. "I'd feel like they were on drugs." Doug laughed, then said, "Seriously, you have emotional needs, Ken - everybody does. You tell your Mom and Dad about your physical hunger for food, and they fill that need. I believe if you tell them about your emotional hunger for attention and approval, they will try to meet those needs too, because I think they really do love you."
Ken felt a mild flash of panic. "What do you mean by 'tell them'?" "I don't know if I can do that with my parents," he said nervously. "Sure you can," Doug said, sounding rock-solid confident. "I'll even go with you if you want, after you and I have talked and prayed together about your specific needs and how they are not being met." Ken could hardly believe it. "You would really do that?" During the next forty minutes, Doug helped Ken identify three of emotional needs that were not being met at home.
When Ken's dad arrived to pick him up, Doug asked if he could stop by later in the afternoon for a visit. Mr. Meyers agreed. Ken rode home in silence, nervous but hopeful. (To be continued.)
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My Parents are Ragging on Me
Ken knew Doug and Jenny Shaw as volunteer youth leaders at church. Ken loved the youth group at church and Doug frequently told kids in the group that he and Jenny-were available to talk with them about anything. Ken really wanted to talk to them about all his struggles with his parents. So, Ken dropped by their print shop hoping that Doug could talk to him. Doug immediately suggested they go grab a fruit smoothie.
The thought of actually telling another person about the anger and hurt he felt toward his parents and his friend Todd made Ken pause to swallow a surprising lump of emotion that had suddenly crept into his throat. "I'm ... I'm having trouble with my parents. We're not getting along very well right now. It seems that everything I do is stupid or wrong. They're always ragging on me about my clothes or my music or my grades. They don't seem to care about who I am and what I like. I don't know if they really love me anymore." When he finished his explanation, Ken had tears in his eyes.
Doug's face clouded with sorrow as he said, "Tell me more about your relationship with your parents. How would you describe your relationship with your dad? "If we're not talking about me - like what's wrong with what I'm doing and stuff - we usually don't talk. He's busy with his work and his hobbies. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him," Ken emphasized, rubbing the hint of a small tear from his eye. Doug asked several more questions about Ken's relationship with his parents and his friend Todd. Finally Doug said, "I have to get back to the shop. But maybe we can get together at church during the 11:00 service. "Until then," Doug said, "I want you to know that I care about you.” Ken felt a spark of comfort and encouragement knowing that he was not alone in his pain. Doug knew and cared, and that meant a lot to Ken.
The thought of actually telling another person about the anger and hurt he felt toward his parents and his friend Todd made Ken pause to swallow a surprising lump of emotion that had suddenly crept into his throat. "I'm ... I'm having trouble with my parents. We're not getting along very well right now. It seems that everything I do is stupid or wrong. They're always ragging on me about my clothes or my music or my grades. They don't seem to care about who I am and what I like. I don't know if they really love me anymore." When he finished his explanation, Ken had tears in his eyes.
Doug's face clouded with sorrow as he said, "Tell me more about your relationship with your parents. How would you describe your relationship with your dad? "If we're not talking about me - like what's wrong with what I'm doing and stuff - we usually don't talk. He's busy with his work and his hobbies. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him," Ken emphasized, rubbing the hint of a small tear from his eye. Doug asked several more questions about Ken's relationship with his parents and his friend Todd. Finally Doug said, "I have to get back to the shop. But maybe we can get together at church during the 11:00 service. "Until then," Doug said, "I want you to know that I care about you.” Ken felt a spark of comfort and encouragement knowing that he was not alone in his pain. Doug knew and cared, and that meant a lot to Ken.
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