Biblical Truths Part 2

The goal of a Bible study to help a friend struggling with suicidal thoughts is to help him understand how God sees us so that he or she can begin to see himself or herself that way. He or she needs to learn and believe three very important biblical truths:

1. God sees us as lovable, giving us a sense of belonging: See Part 1.
2. God sees us as valuable, giving us a sense of worthiness: See Part 1.
3. God sees us as useful, giving us a sense of competence

Paul was not boasting when he said, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Phil. 4:13). He simply saw himself as God sees him: gifted and empowered by the Holy Spirit to serve God and others. God wants all believers to realize that He has given us certain physical, mental, and spiritual abilities and has equipped us to use those abilities successfully. God is so confident in our competence that He has called us to fulfill His Great Commission (see Matt. 28:18-20). Jesus said, “Apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). But like Paul, empowered by the Holy Spirit we can do everything. What a sense of competence!

Do you see the importance of helping your friend see himself or herself through God's eyes? The scriptural understanding of our identity in Christ may be a lifesaver. The more your friend realizes that he or she is lovable, valuable, and useful to God, the less likely he or she will be to consider suicide.

Biblical Truths Part 1

The goal of a Bible study to help a friend struggling with suicidal thoughts is to help him or her understand how God sees us so that he or she can begin to see himself or herself that way. He or she needs to learn and believe three very important biblical truths:

1. God sees us as lovable, giving us a sense of belonging
Just like everyone else, your friend needs to sense that he or she belongs to someone. We gain our ultimate sense of belonging when we understand that God loves us unconditionally, just as we are. John 1:12 declares that when we received Christ we became children of God. He accepted us as His sons and daughters and invites us to call Him “Abba, Father" (Rom. 8:15). The apostle John wrote, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins" (I John 4:10).

2. God sees us as valuable, giving us a sense of worthiness
Our true worth is revealed in the fact that our loving God allowed Jesus Christ, His sinless Son, to die for our sins. The apostle Peter wrote, "For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed but with the precious blood of Christ" (I Pet. 1:18-19). Paul said, "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:8). Impress upon your friend that if he or she were the only person on earth, God would have sent His Son to die for him or her. Your friend is worth the death of God's Son.

Intervention and a New Identity

Kids who entertain passing thoughts of suicide have two over-arching needs. First they need immediate, potentially life-saving intervention to neutralize their self-destructive thoughts and the circumstances that provoke them. If you suspect that a hurting friend is having suicidal thoughts, your first response is to meet his or her immediate needs for relationship, comfort, support and encouragement. These elements should be supplied as soon as possible.

A second over-arching need is for a new perspective of identity. People who consider suicide have a very low view of their value and worth. They may consider themselves a waste of space on the planet. No wonder they are tempted by suicidal thoughts. They do not consider their life worth salvaging. They lack a sense of belonging, worthiness, and competence.

Once you have begun to address your friend's primary need for relationship, comfort, support and encouragement, make plans to deal with the second need. Help your friend to see himself or herself through God's eyes. Take your friend to a Bible study that emphasizes that God sees us as lovable, valuable, and useful. Your friend must understand the biblical message of how God sees us so that he or she can begin to see himself or herself that way.

Provide Encouragement for Your Friend

We encourage others whenever we do or say something thoughtful to lift their spirits. An example is planning to call your friend periodically just to be available and to remind them that you are thinking and praying for them. That's encouragement in action.

A friend who has had suicidal thoughts needs encouragement as much as he or she needs comfort and support. Here are a few ideas.
• Send an occasional note or e-mail that communicates in your own words, "I care about you" and "I'm praying for you."
• Call your friend and say something like, "Hi, I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you."
• Take the initiative to schedule a time to meet for lunch or a Coke. Focus attention on how your friend is doing.
• If your friend is playing sports, performing in a play, or participating in a debate or some other activity, attend the event to show your support.
• Ask a few other mutual friends to join you in supplying the encouragement your friend needs. Your thoughtful words and deeds of comfort, support, and encouragement will be an ongoing reminder to your friend that he or she is not alone. And when people with thoughts of suicide realize they are loved and cared for, they will begin to see themselves and their life situations in a healthier light.

Once you have initiated steps of comfort, support, and encouragement, you may have an opportunity to share with your friend more pointedly about his or her worth as a person.

Offer Support to Your Friend

A person having suicidal thoughts needs support as well as comfort. What's the difference? You provide comfort when you share in your friend's sorrow emotionally. You provide support when you attempt to lighten their load in practical, helpful ways. Even in the midst of pain and struggle, the day-to­-day tasks of life go on. Things must be done that your friend may have difficulty doing. He or she needs someone who is committed to obeying Galatians 6:2: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

An example could be helping with schoolwork. You provide needed support when you volunteer to put together a small team of tutors to help your friend. Support may also include such tasks as helping clean his room, finding a part-time job, getting a ride to church, or other practical tasks.

How can you be a helpful support to your suffering friend? Watch and ask questions. If you are aware of a task your friend is already doing, you can say, "May I help you with that?" If you don't see something obvious to do, ask, "Is there anything I can do to help you?" Ask others who know your friend to help share the load. Your support will ease the burden and allow your friend to concentrate on dealing with his or her emotional crisis.

I Feel All Alone Part 2

Here are several more ways to develop a caring relationship with a friend with suicidal thoughts and to help them feel less alone:

5. Affirm your friend's identity as a child of God
Suicidal persons have lost sight of their value to God. If your friend is a Christian, remind them that they are loved, valued, and useful to God. If your friend is not a Christian, they are still created in God's image, someone for whom Christ died. Look for ways to affirm your friend's value to God.

6. Try to instill hope in your friend
Most kids who consider suicide do not evaluate their life or process problems rationally. The best way to instill hope in such persons is by focusing on feelings instead of arguing over how they think. Try to communicate hope by feeling their sorrow by comforting them. Once hope is restored, there will be time to deal with your friend's irrational view of his or her situation.

7. Talk with your friend
Many discouraged, depressed students report that they cannot talk to their parents about problems, hurts and decisions. Encourage your friend to talk to you about his or her life and difficulties. Respect your friend's opinions without judgment or condemnation. Even if they are questionable, it is very important that your friend feels free to verbalize his or her feelings to someone who cares.

I Feel All Alone Part 1

Here are several ways to develop a caring relationship with a friend with suicidal thoughts and to help them feel less alone:

1. Be concerned for your friend
Demonstrate your interest and concern for your friend. Show your concern by going to a youth leader or other trusted adult for input on how to help. If you know that your friend is hurting, allow your heart to be moved with concern to the point that you act.

2. Be available to your friend
For most hurting people, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Look for opportunities to spend time with your friend in order to build your relationship and engage him or her in conversation.

3. Keep in touch with your friend
An occasional phone call just to say hello and to ask how your friend is doing shows that you care, even when you are not doing something together.

4. Pray for your friend
Ask God to show you ways to build your relationship and meet some of your friend's needs for love and acceptance.

Helping a Suicidal Friend

If your friend is displaying signs of hopelessness or despair, there are some key elements you should consider when trying to help him or her:

1. A word of caution
Thoughts of suicide and the conditions or attitudes that provoke them in a young person's life are serious business. You would be wise to seek the counsel, encouragement and prayer support even if you feel very confident to minister to him or her. If you do not feel confident in this situation, ask a mature Christian counselor, leader or minister to help you.

2. Provide a caring relationship for your friend
People who entertain passing thoughts of suicide usually feel very alone inside. Whether they are social loners or very socially active, they often hurt for lack of someone who cares deeply about them. For example, problems at home with parents or the death of a friend can leave a person feeling unwanted, abandoned or very alone. And someone who is alone and feeling unloved can easily begin to feel that he or she is just taking up space.

3. Be there
The most important thing you can share with someone battling the despair of loneliness is yourself, but their problems usually cause them to pull away. Take the initiative for deepening the relationship. If you are committed to helping your friend move beyond thoughts of suicide, it may cost you some time and energy as you seek to meet his or her need for love and friendship.

Why Suicide? Part 3

What problems are behind the signs of suicide? What prompts a student to consider suicide? Family disruption, depression, escape, loss, and guilt were noted in the previous two blogs. Here are more signs that may be at the root of your friend's disturbing behavior.

Attention or manipulation
Does your friend feel unimportant and ignored by parents, peers, or friends? If so, threats or attempts at suicide are often a cry for attention and for help. It may be your friend's way of saying, "I'm hurting. I'm desperate. I don't know how to cope, and I need help. Please, someone pay attention to me!" Suicidal threats may also be an attempt to manipulate parents into giving him or her something he or she wants.

Revenge
Has your friend been severely hurt or embarrassed by someone? Sometimes the desire for revenge is stronger than the desire to live. Self-destruction is seen as the ultimate act of punishment against the hurtful person. Suicidal revenge may be the twisted response to the breakup of a close emotional relationship.

If you have a friend who is showing subtle clues of suicide, there is hope. You can take some positive steps toward relieving the pain that may be causing your friend to entertain thoughts of suicide. Hopefully, you have the prayerful support and guidance of mature Christians on whom you may call if you need help. But even if you don't, you can still be a great help to your friend.

Why Suicide? Part 2

What problems are behind the signs of suicide? What prompts a student to consider suicide? Family disruption and depression were noted in the previous blog. Here are more signs that may be at the root of your friend's disturbing behavior.

Escape
Does your friend seem to feel trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation? Suicide is often viewed by students as an escape from despair, pain, punishment, humiliation, or simply the weight of mental and emotional burdens.

Loss
Has your friend suffered the tragic loss of a parent, close friend or loved one? Sean said that Kevin was disturbed over the recent death of a friend. Suicide may be regarded as a way to escape the seemingly unbearable sorrow and grief of such a loss.

Guilt
Is your friend burdened with guilt over something he or she has done? Suicide is sometimes entertained as the ultimate punishment for what the person considers to be an unforgivable act. (To be continued.)

Don’t Suffer Alone

People receive comfort when we feel their hurt and sorrow with them. Jesus illustrated the ministry of comfort when His friend Lazarus died (see John II). When Jesus arrived at the home of Lazarus' sisters, Mary and Martha, He wept with them (see vv. 33-35). His response is especially interesting in light of what He did next: raise Lazarus from the dead (see vv. 38-44).
Why didn't Jesus simply tell the grieving Mary and Martha, "No need to cry, my friends, because in a few minutes Lazarus will be alive again"? Because at that moment they needed someone to identify with their sorrow. Jesus met Mary's and Martha's need for comfort by sharing in their sorrow and tears. Later He performed the miracle that turned their sorrows to joy.

Hurting people receive comfort when they know they are not suffering alone. Paul instructed us, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Rom. 12:15). Others may try to comfort their friend by cheering them up, urging them to be strong, or explaining the causes of their suicidal thoughts. These people may care about their friend and mean well by their words but they may not know what comfort sounds like. Comfort is found in identifying with them emotionally. Share in their hurts and struggles. Offer a gentle touch, an appropriate embrace, or a shoulder to cry on. Share words like, "I know it hurts," "I'm so sorry you have to go through this," "I really hurt for you." Save your words of advice or admonitions from Scripture until you have identified with your friend's feelings. That's biblical comfort.

Comfort Your Hurting Friend

A suicidal person’s primary need in the midst of emotional pain and loneliness is comfort. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Matthew 5:4). Mourning is the process of getting the inner hurt out. As the person admits how sad he feels, try to share in that pain too. According to Jesus' words, when you comfort a friend, they are "blessed." Comfort is God's design for blessing those who hurt and for beginning to heal the deep pain of being alone and feeling hopeless.

In the midst of trouble, anxiety and thoughts of suicide, your friend's greatest comfort will come when you share his or her hurt and sorrow. One major way God shares His comfort with others is through us. The apostle Paul wrote, "God ... comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Cor. 1:3-4). Comfort is not a "pep talk" urging your friend to hang in there, to tough it out, or to hold it together. Comfort is not an attempt to explain why things happen to people. Comfort is not a bunch of positive words about God being in control and everything being okay. All of these things may be good and useful in time, but they do not fill the primary need for comfort.

Why Suicide? Part 1

What problems are behind the signs of suicide? What prompts a student to consider suicide? Here are several situations that may cause a person to think dying is preferable to living. One or more may be at the root of your friend's disturbing behavior.

Family disruption

How is your friend's family life? Is he or she suffering from a sense of alienation or parental rejection? Are their parents fighting? Are any siblings moving away? The stress and loneliness which accompany divorce or separation, a drastic move, or ongoing family conflict may trigger thoughts of suicide.

Depression

Does your friend seem to be depressed most of the time? Clinical depression is an illness that often prevents people from seeing a way out of problems. Without professional treatment, victims of depression may see suicide as their only alternative. (to be continued)

The Signs of Suicide

Have you noticed disturbing behavior in a friend and think there’s a chance that he or she is thinking about suicide? There are three degrees of severity when discussing suicide. (See previous blog for points one and two.)

1. Call 911 if someone actually attempts suicide.
2. Get your friend to a trusted adult or professional if he or she is seriously contemplating suicide.
3. There are kids who have passing thoughts about suicide

This may be your concern for your friend. He or she may exhibit certain symptoms of suicidal thinking. If you can answer yes to any of the following questions, your friend may be on the threshold of seriously contemplating suicide:

1. Does your friend have an unhealthy fascination with death - talking about death, asking questions about death, listening to music or watching videos related to death or dying?

2. Is your friend giving away possessions, cleaning out his or her locker at school, or doing other things that suggest he or she is preparing for death?

3. Is your friend depressed most of the time?

4. Has your friend exhibited sudden changes in behavior, such as acting out or becoming violent?

5. Is your friend often moody or withdrawn?

6. Does your friend want to sleep all the time, or does he or she complain about not being able to sleep?

7. Is your friend often fatigued?

8. Does your friend take dangerous risks, such as driving recklessly or playing with knives or guns?

While these conditions do not necessarily mean that your friend is about to commit suicide, they may indicate that he or she is thinking about it as a way out. You are wise to share your concerns with your youth leader, minister or parent, and discuss what to do. Now is the time to respond proactively.

Suicide—Attempt, Threaten, Passing Thoughts

Perhaps you have noticed disturbing behavior in a friend. You can't quite put your finger on the problem, but you find yourself wondering if your friend is thinking about suicide. Your concern is worth considering, because suicide is the second leading cause of death among students today. Research confirms that a staggering sixty-five hundred teenagers die each year at their own hands - that's one every hour and twenty minutes! If your friend is exhibiting potentially suicidal behavior, now is the time to do something to make sure he or she does not follow through with that impulse. There are three degrees of severity when discussing suicide.

1. There are kids who actually attempt suicide.
If you happen to be around when someone attempts to take his or her own life, you have only one response: Call the emergency services (911 in the U.S., 999 in the U.K.). If you can't do that, find a responsible adult, and get the person to an emergency room or mental-health hospital immediately. This person needs professional help to prevent him or her from making another attempt.

2. There are kids who threaten or seriously contemplate suicide.
If you discover a suicide note or learn that a friend is seriously thinking about suicide, you must act to intervene. Contact a youth leader, minister or parent - someone who can get your friend to a Christian counseling professional. Do not leave your friend alone until he or she is in the care of a responsible adult. Threats of suicide must be regarded as potential attempts. (To be continued.)

Seeing Yourself As God Sees You—Part 2

Doug, Sean, and Kevin continued their Bible study. Doug said, “2 Corinthians 5:19 says that God has entrusted us with the ministry of evangelism. Isn't it amazing that God trusts imperfect people like us to bring others to Him!" “I never thought about it that way,” Kevin said with his eyebrows arched in amazement. Doug focused on Kevin, “How does it make you feel, knowing that our perfect, all- powerful God sees you as lovable, valuable, and useful?” Kevin considered the question for several seconds. Then he answered, "Part of me feels like God hasn't taken a very close look at me, because I don't see myself as lovable or valuable or useful to Him. But another part of me feels kind of honored that He sees me this way." Then Doug said, "Kevin, God doesn't make mistakes, and He doesn't have a vision problem. If He sees you as lovable, valuable and useful - and the Bible says that He does - then that's what you are. Right?" Kevin smiled and shrugged. "Right."

Doug continued, talking to both boys, "I believe that God wants us to see ourselves as He sees us. That's how we gain the confidence to deal with the hard things in our lives. If we know that God loves us, values us and desires to use us, we can get through anything." Kevin was suddenly sober. "Even the breakup of a family? Even the horrible death of a close friend?" Doug reached out and touched his arm. "What do you think, Kevin?" he responded, his face full of understanding. Kevin studied the kind faces of his friend and his youth leader. "Yes" he said at last, "I think God can help me get through these things. I guess that running away from my problems is a bad idea if God thinks I’m okay.” "I think you're exactly right, Kevin," Doug responded. "God thinks you're okay, and so do we.”

Seeing Yourself As God Sees You—Part 1

Doug placed his Bible on the table. "I thought we could have a short Bible study on the topic of how God sees us. When we see ourselves as God sees us, we begin to realize how important we are to Him and others. Sean, why don't you read Jeremiah 31:3 aloud for us?" Sean read: "The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.'" Doug asked, “According to this verse, how does God see us?" "He loves us, so I guess He sees us as lovable."

"That's right, Kevin," Doug said, smiling. "God sees you as lovable. He loves you with an everlasting love. He loves you no matter what you have done, no matter how miserable your life is, no matter how big your problems are, no matter how many mistakes you have made or sins you have committed. God never stops loving you ... and He never will."

Next, Doug directed them to Genesis 1:27, Romans 8:3-5, I Peter 1:18-19, and Ephesians 2:10. Kevin answered the question before Doug could ask it. "God must also see us as valuable. He created us in His image, just a little lower than the angels. He gave His own Son to die on the cross for our sins. He calls us His work of art, His masterpiece. And He has a plan to bless us and prosper us. That means we are very special to God."

The next set of verses focused on the Holy Spirit, concluding with Philippians 4:13, which Kevin read aloud from his Bible: '"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.'" Sean answered Doug's question this time. "These verses say that God sees us as useful to Him. He has given us gifts and abilities, He has sent His Holy Spirit to live in us, and He calls us to serve Him with the strength He provides." Doug nodded enthusiastically. "We are not perfect, and sometimes we feel very incompetent. But God sees us as competent because His Holy Spirit lives in us.

A Suicide Contract

Kevin's colorful clothes and hair showed that he was feeling much better about himself. Kevin admitted what Sean had suspected. "You'll probably think I'm some kind of psycho," he'd said one day as they watched a school volleyball match, "but I was beginning to wonder if my life was worth living. Compared to how bad things were, dying didn't seem too bad." Sean assured Kevin that he was no "psycho." Sean had asked if Kevin would like to meet with Doug Shaw, the youth-group sponsor, to talk about his problems at home. Kevin agreed. Doug grabbed three Cokes out of the fridge and the three of them sat down to talk.

In response to Doug's non-threatening questions, Kevin talked about his parents' impending divorce, his loneliness, and his problems at school, mentioning that he had briefly entertained thoughts of ending his life. Sean was proud of his friend for being so transparent, even though he could see it was painful for Kevin to talk about. "I would like to make a simple contract with you, Kevin. I would like you to agree to call me immediately whenever the idea of suicide even crosses your mind. And I agree to respond to you immediately whenever you call and take time to talk with you. Will you make this contract with me?" Doug held out his hand for a handshake of agreement. "It means a lot that you would do that, Doug. I don't think I'll ever consider suicide again. But I promise to call you if I do." Then he gripped Doug's hand and shook it. Doug promised to pray for him every day for the next few weeks.

We Will Get Through This

After a few moments of silence, Kevin began to describe how much he hurt about his parents splitting up about the same time his friend had died. He said he had a stomachache almost all the time and that he just wanted to sleep. Since he was unable to concentrate, his grades had suffered terribly. Kevin didn't think that he would ever catch up in school, nor did he feel it was worth trying.

Kevin also spoke about feeling rejected by his brothers and the loneliness of being without his friends. "I know it's tough," Sean assured him. "But we're friends, and we'll get through all this." Then Sean prayed a simple prayer for Kevin just loud enough for God and his friend to hear. After comforting Kevin for a little while Sean said, “Why don’t we skate to the end of the path and eat?” “Okay,” Kevin responded. As they skated, Sean thanked God silently for the opportunity to comfort his friend.

Later, while eating some chips Sean said, "I want to know what's happening with you and school.” Kevin said, "Even the world's fastest computer couldn't dig me out of this hole." He went on to explain that he was failing in biology and American lit, and barely hovering above failure in three other classes. He had missed a number of homework assignments which had left him unprepared for several exams he had either failed or nearly failed. Sean listened intently. Then he said, "Maybe we can't pull all your grades up to As or Bs. But I'll bet we can pull most of them up to Cs. At least you'll pass. How does that sound?" "You guys would be willing to cheat for me?" Kevin asked. "I'm not talking about doing your work for you," Sean explained. “I do pretty well in the lit and history areas, so I can help you there. Rachel DeWitt is a math and science expert, so she could probably help you catch up in biology. What do you think?" "Rachel's cool. I like her," Kevin responded. "Nobody's offered to help me like this, not even my parents - at least, not since Tim died. I've pretty much felt like I was in it alone-you know, sink or swim, get with the program or get out of the way.” "Well, it's not like that anymore, Kevin," Sean assured him. “I want to help. I know others in the youth group do too, including Doug and Jenny. Is that okay with you?" Kevin smiled. "Yeah," he said at last, "that's okay with me. Thanks ... friend." Kevin seemed happier and more animated during the skate back home.

I’m Just a Waste of Space

It seemed to take forever for Sean to find something Kevin would do with him. But when Sean suggested that they speed skate the paved path along the river, Kevin showed a spark of interest. So Sean arrived at Kevin's house at 10:00 on a sunny Saturday morning to get him out of bed and help him find his roller blades and kneepads in the garage. Following Kevin, Sean prayed that God would increase his compassion for his friend and give him words that would help unlock Kevin's disturbing behavior. Reaching the halfway point, Sean suggested that they take a break near the river and sip some water. Kevin quickly agreed.

Encouraged by his talk with Doug and Jenny, Sean decided to break the ice. "You've seemed a little quiet and a little down. Is everything all right?" "You don't have to get involved. You have your own problems to deal with. You don't need to hear about mine." "Kev, we're friends." Sean prayed silently for his friend. Kevin released a sharp sigh. Sean could see the pain in his face. "I'm just a waste of space on this planet, and I'm so tired of being in the way." The words sent a chill down Sean's spine. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what's the point? My parents hate each other, and they can't stand me. My brothers think I'm a pest. I'm screwing up in all my classes. My best friend Tim was killed, and my friends don't want to hang out with me - except for you." "You really miss Tim, don't you?" Sean said. "I'm so sad that you feel alone. And I didn't realize school was difficult for you right now. I'm so sorry, Kevin."

Sean jabbed his elbow at his friend. "You are not a waste of space," he insisted. "You are a child of God. You are a guy with really great gifts. Whenever you feel like a waste of space, you just call me, and I'll remind you how good you are. And there is nothing happening in your life that you and I and the Lord can't get through together. Remember, God loves you, and I think you're okay too, except you're such a lousy skater." Kevin chuckled under his breath as he placed his hand on Sean's shoulder. "Thanks, man," Kevin said, almost in a whisper. (To be continued.)