True Love Isn't ... Lust

The first step to identifying true love is to see what true love isn’t:

True love is not the same as lust. Love and lust are often confused in our culture. In fact, many of today’s movies, popular songs, and novels about love are really about lust. How can you tell the difference? Love gives; lust takes. Love values; lust uses. Love endures; lust subsides. Luke may be a little confused between the two. He enjoys being close to Traci because she awakens his pleasurable sexual urges and feelings. He does nice things for Traci at least in part because he thinks it will make her more willing to share the physical closeness and intimacy that he enjoys. And his lust nearly caused him to compromise his sexual purity and hers.

Yes, physical attraction is often the spark that eventually ignites into true love. God designed us with the desire and capacity for sexual intimacy. But if your interaction with someone of the opposite sex is based on intense sexual feelings and physical gratification, lust may be playing the role of love in the relationship.

Searching for Love

What is this thing called love and how do you know when you have found it? People are willing to give almost anything to experience love, particularly from the opposite sex. Yet many students searching for love find only heartache and disappointment, because they don’t know what they are looking for. They confuse true love with other experiences and emotions. As a result, they fail to experience love, because they don’t know what love is and what love isn’t.

Perhaps you are in a relationship with someone very special and the L-word is on your mind if not in your vocabulary. Are you “in love”? Do you know how to tell if you are? Or maybe you haven’t found that someone special yet, but you want to be ready when you do. You want to know what true love is so you can recognize it when it happens in your life.

The L-Word

Traci and Luke have only been dating two months. But love—the big L-word – is already on their minds. It’s no wonder they are thinking about love, since we live in a love-crazed culture. Love is the predominant theme in many of our popular songs, movies, novels, and TV programs. Everywhere you look in the world of entertainment, someone is either falling into love, falling out of love, making love, faking love, giving love, needing love, living in love, or dying for love.

In the real world, life without love is the pits. The yearning to love and be loved by someone is as common as a heartbeat and breathing. Everyone seems to crave true love, a love that is strong and deep, a love that will last for all time. Yet the pursuit of love has caused more heartache and pain, more brokenness and bitterness, than all the diseases and wars in history.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

“Doug and Jenny, can you give me some practical examples of what my true love for Traci can look like, especially in light of what she found out today?” asked Luke. Doug and Jenny spent the next few minutes offering suggestions. When they all stood to leave, Luke hugged and thanked both of them. He told them that he was heading back over to Traci’s house for a while. The couple said they would see him there after they got the print shop shut down for the night.

Before leaving the shopping center, Luke stopped at the card shop to buy a card for Traci. He selected one he thought she would like, not a mushy, romantic card, but one with a pretty floral design and blank space inside to write. He wrote only a few quick lines, knowing there would be many other cards, notes, and conversations in the future: “Traci, you are a wonderful person. I know you can get through this trial. I will be here to help you every step of the way.”

Luke rolled the pen in his fingers for several seconds before writing the final two words. They had much more significance to him now, so he wrote them with confidence: “Love, Luke.” Now he was confident that he felt true love for Traci because he sincerely knew that Traci's happiness, health, and spiritual growth was just as important to him as his own and that his actions reflected that truth.

Leave the Future in God's Hands

Doug and Jenny put their hands on their young friend’s shoulders. “This has been a tough day for you Luke,” Jenny said, “and we’re so sorry about the disappointment you are facing with Traci's MS diagnosis. We will be praying for you as well as for Traci.” “Thanks, said Luke, “that means a lot to me.”

Then Doug said, “Only God knows the future, Luke. Only He knows if you and Traci are destined to spend your lives together as husband and wife. That’s something you can leave in God’s hands, because it’s in the future. In the meantime, are you still attracted to Traci, I mean, beyond the physical attraction?”

Luke paused only a moment before answering. “Of course. Traci is a special person. She’s fun, smart, happy, and we have so much in common. I admit that her appearance got my attention first. But there is a lot more to Traci than how she looks.” “It sounds like Traci means a lot to you,” Jenny added. Luke nodded. “Yes, a lot.” “Then you have nothing to lose by making Traci’s happiness, health, and spiritual growth as important to you as your own. Loving her God’s way will make the most of your relationship right now. And if, in God’s plan and timing, you and
Traci marry someday, your relationship will be based on true love, not an earthly substitute.”

Committed To True Love

“Hi, Luke,” Jenny said as he approached the door. “Is something wrong?” “Can I talk to you and Doug for a minute?” he said. “Of course, Luke. Come on in.” Jenny locked the door behind them and led Luke back to the office where Doug was shutting down the computer. Luke poured out the story of Traci’s recently discovered MS disease. Doug and Jenny were shocked, saying they would stop by Traci’s house on their way home from work.

“I understand a lot more about love since we talked together this morning,
Doug,” Luke went on. “And I accepted your challenge to begin showing true love to
Traci. But I didn’t expect this. I mean, Traci is a beautiful girl, but in time her
disease could change that. She may not be able to ski or swim or go biking. And if
we get married someday – I’m not saying we’re going to, but if we do – will she be
able to have sex and bear children? I know true love says ‘I love you, period,’ but I
didn’t know that period would be so huge.”

True Love Stays, But Will He?

As soon as Luke’s car pulled up to the curb, Traci ran to it and jumped in. He
noticed her red eyes right away. “You’ve been crying,” Luke said with obvious
concern. “Traci, what’s wrong?” Traci blurted out the news along with another wave of warm tears. She felt very ugly crying in front of Luke, but she couldn’t help it. It didn’t seem to matter anyway. The fact that she was not very pretty when she cried was minor in light of the fact that she might be crippled some day.

Luke’s response was more than Traci could have hoped for. She would not
have been surprised if he had backed away from her as if she had leprosy, saying
something like, “Have a nice life,” and leaving her standing on the curb. After all, a
guy as good-looking and sweet as Luke could find a dozen girls without disabilities to
go out with by tonight. But instead, he touched her gently and listened intently as
she tearfully told him about the disease. He comforted her and encouraged her with
caring words. He asked if there was anything he could do for her. And he promised
to stick with her through this tough trial. Then he helped Traci get her feet on the ground again by taking her to the auto parts store to buy the car battery. After installing the battery and giving Traci a tender kiss, he left.

Only later did she begin to wonder if she had seen the last of Luke. Had he
been kind, caring, and helpful just long enough to make his escape? Was he even
now plotting how to extricate himself from this relationship? Or was Luke’s concern
as genuine as it had seemed? Did he know even more about true love than what he had
shown her in the past two months?

Does He Love Me Enough?

After receiving the MS diagnosis, Traci dried her eyes and went out to the front porch to wait for Luke. It was so sweet of him to help her buy a car battery. Sitting on the porch and staring aimlessly, Traci wondered how Luke would take her news. She had never told him about the numbness in her hands for a couple of reasons. First, until today, the condition was more a bother to her than a worry, so she didn’t think it important to mention. Second, Luke was such a great guy, she wanted to do everything she could to impress him. So volunteering information about her “faults” at this early stage of their relationship had seemed unthinkable.

Now she had to tell him. If she didn’t, someone else eventually would, and
that would be worse. Besides, it was the right thing to do. As much as she feared
that the reality of MS might drive Luke away, the only loving thing to do was to tell
him. She did want to do the loving thing with Luke, because she was pretty sure
she loved him. The question plaguing her as she watched for his car was, does Luke
love me enough to stay with me in spite of what I will tell him? Behind this question
was another she did not want to think about at all: Does Luke even love me?

MS – A Curve Ball

Traci saw Dr. Duncan on Friday about the occasional, bothersome numbness in her hands. She had thought little of the symptoms, but her mother had made an appointment just to check it out. “Multiple sclerosis?” Traci said to her mother, who had taken the call from the doctor. “I’ve heard of it, but what is it?”

“It’s a disease of the central nervous system, honey, attacking the brain and spinal cord. They don’t know the cause, and they don’t know the cure. Depending on the locality of the disease it can produce…disabilities.” Jackie could no longer hold back the tears. “Disabilities? What disabilities?” Traci had demanded, suddenly feeling very afraid. “Mom, what’s wrong with me? What’s going to happen to me?” It took Traci’s mother several minutes to get through the explanation, interrupted by moments of tears shared with her daughter. Jackie tried to encourage her – and herself – by stating that the symptoms can come and go, disappearing for months or years at a time. But unless a cure was found or God miraculously intervened, Traci might eventually lose the use of her legs, arms, speech, or other physical abilities. Jackie admitted that MS can eventually be fatal.

True Love Is An Action, Not A Feeling

Luke asked Doug, “Isn’t it being kind of self-centered to love ourselves?” “Paul’s not talking about people being self-centered or selfish,” Doug explained. He says we should care for the needs of others just as we do for ourselves. In fact, you can tell that love is real when the happiness, health, and spiritual growth of another person is as important to you as your own.” Luke cocked his head. “So true love isn’t a feeling at all. True love is a way of treating people – caring for them as you do yourself.” Doug nodded.

“Strong feelings of attraction – like you describe between you and Traci – are often called love because that’s how it’s portrayed in movies, TV, and music. But true love can happen with or without strong feelings of attraction, because true love is the action of caring for a person as you care for yourself.”

Before they parted, Doug issued Luke a specific challenge to apply their discussion in his relationship with Traci. In other words, to make the happiness, health, and spiritual growth of Traci just as important as his own. Luke had no idea that Doug’s challenge would soon be put to a severe, unexpected test.

The Bible's Definition of True Love

What do you think being in love looks like?” Doug asked. “I don’t know. Maybe it looks like two people holding hands, going places together, wanting to be close…” said Luke. Doug replied, “I want to read to you what true love is in Ephesians 5:28-29:” “Husbands ought to love their wives as—” “Whoa, hold on, Doug,” Luke interrupted. “We’re talking about the L-word here, not the M-word. Marriage with Traci is not in my vocabulary, at least not yet. “Relax,” Doug said, laughing. “In these verses, true love just happens to be applied to husbands and wives. It works in all relationships.” Doug started over. “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.”

“I thought Christians were supposed to love others more than themselves,” Luke said. Doug clarified, “We are to love God more than we love ourselves. But we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. And ‘neighbor’ includes everyone: parents, brothers and sisters, boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife.” To be continued.

My Feelings Are So Strong

“Luke, I can see that your experience last weekend has caused you a lot of
anxiety and concern,” Doug said. “And I’m proud of you for doing the right thing in the end.” He added an affectionate but manly pat on the shoulder. “So where are you and Traci now?” Doug went on. “Did she break up with you?” “That’s the crazy thing about it,” Luke returned. “She was glad we didn’t…you know…go all the way. But she’s not mad at me or blaming me for what happened. We talked on the phone a couple of times this week, and she wants to keep going out – double dates, we both agreed.”

“And how do you feel about Traci after your experience?” Doug said. “I’m not sure how I feel, Doug. “I’ve never had such strong feelings for a girl before,” Luke explained. “I just want to be with Traci all the time. When we are together, I want to touch her and kiss her, and those desires almost got me in big trouble last weekend. Does this mean I’m…in love with Traci?” “The big L-word,” Doug said with a slight smile. “The word love never crossed my mind with other girls I’ve dated,” Luke explained. “Traci is different. I just want to know if it really is true love.”