The Five Stages of Grief

The grieving process is what most people go through after a sad event. It may continue for several weeks or even months and no two people go through the process in exactly the same way. Grief has five clear stages even though the stages often overlap and recur.

One of the first responses to grief is denial. You may find yourself at times unwilling to believe that such a terrible thing is happening to you. You may try to convince yourself that it was all a bad dream. One of the ways your mind and emotions will try to handle the shock of your grief is to say, "No way; this is not happening to me."

The second stage in responding to grief is anger. When grappling with the inevitable question -- "Why did this happen?" -- you may find yourself lashing out angrily because there is no reasonable answer to that question. You have lost someone very dear to you, and it seems terribly unfair.

Your anger may be directed in a number of different ways. You may be angry at the cause of death (the car, the highway department, the cancer, the heart attack, etc). You may feel anger toward each person you think is at least partially to blame (the other driver, the doctor, the perpetrator of the crime, etc.). Strange as it seems, you may be angry at the person who died, thinking, "Why did you leave me alone?" Or you may be mad at God for allowing it to happen. Your anger may even be directed at yourself because you suspect that you were somehow to blame for what happened. (To be continued.)

What Comfort Is and Isn’t

What is comfort? Maybe it will help to see first what comfort is not. Comfort is not a "pep talk" urging you to hang in there, to tough it out, or to hold it together. Comfort is not an attempt to explain why things happen to people. Comfort is not a bunch of positive words about God being in control and everything being okay. All of these things may be good and useful in time, but they do not fill our primary need for comfort.

People comfort us primarily by feeling our hurt and sorrowing with us. Jesus illustrated the ministry of comfort when His friend Lazarus died. When Jesus arrived at the home of Lazarus's sisters, Mary and Martha, He wept with them (2 John 33-35). His response is especially interesting in light of what He did next; raise Lazarus from the dead (2 John 38-44).

Why didn't Jesus simply tell the grieving Mary and Martha, "No need to cry friends, because in a few minutes Lazarus will be alive again"? At that moment they needed someone to identify with their loss. Jesus met Mary and Martha's need for comfort by sharing in their sorrow and tears.

Later He performed the miracle that turned their sorrow to joy.

Mourning and Comfort

Mourning is the process of getting the hurt out when a loved one dies. As Jesus says in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” You share your hurt so others can share your pain and hurt with you so you are not alone. This is God's design for blessing you and beginning to heal the deep pain that accompanies a tragic loss. It is good and necessary to experience the different emotions that come at this time.

Your greatest need in the first hours after the death of a friend or loved one is for others to comfort you. In a time of deep sorrow, our greatest comfort comes when others sorrow with us. One major way God shares His comfort with us is through other people. The apostle Paul wrote, "God ... comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

Death of a Loved One

It is incredibly painful and difficult to cope with the death of a loved one or close friend. Whether it is a parent or grandparent succumbing to terminal cancer, a friend or classmate killed in a car accident, a baby brother or sister who just goes to sleep and never wakes up, or any loss of someone dear to you, it hurts. Death seems especially painful and difficult to accept when it is sudden and unexpected, like a deadly crash, a fatal heart attack, or a brutal act of violence. Here are a couple of things that may be helpful as you face the sadness of a loved one's death:

You may experience a wide range of emotions when someone close to you dies. You may feel terribly sad, depressed, hopeless, abandoned, frightened, and even angry because of what happened. You may cry as you have never cried in your life. You may feel emotionally drained and exhausted. And you may get intensely angry at the situation, at the person who died and left you alone, at the person(s) you consider responsible for the death, or even at God for allowing it to happen.

It is important to understand that all these feelings are normal and natural. It is the way God wired you. Your emotions are a built-in release valve to help you handle deep inner pain. Of course, there are both productive and unproductive ways of expressing these emotions.

Comforting Others

Several minutes into his conversation with Doug, Chad said, “Sometimes I can think about Mom and Matty and Rob and enjoy the good memories without the pain of losing them getting in the way. I still miss them a lot, but I'm also very thankful for the time I had with each of them. I'm sure that the hope I feel and the comfort of others - plus time -will eventually heal even my deepest hurts."

"I'm happy to hear that for at least two reasons," Doug said. "One, I'm just happy for how God is helping you through this very difficult time. Two, I want to talk to you about Marty Keller." Chad replied, "Marty Keller, he's the new freshman that started attending our youth group about a month ago.”

"Doug continued, “Pastor O'Neill called this morning to tell us that Marty's grandfather died suddenly of a stroke yesterday. Marty was very close to his grandparents, and he is really hurting."

"Oh, no," Chad said. "I'll bet Marty could use some comfort right now." "That's what I thought," Doug agreed. Chad smiled and said, "Maybe we could stop by Marty's house just for a couple of minutes. I have some comfort I could share with him." Doug smiled back. "That sounds a lot like 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 where Paul talks about comforting others as God has comforted us." Chad was excited to help someone else the same way he had been helped. "Let's go on a mission of comfort." "We're on our way," Doug said, as he turned the car in the direction of the Keller home.

Accepting the Loss

Doug has been talking to Chad about the loss of his mother, little brother and best friend. Doug asked Chad, "What has been the greatest help to you in getting through your times of denial, anger and depression this month?" Chad thought for a moment. “I'm really confident that I will see Mom and Matty and Rob again in heaven some day. I have heard the Bible verses about heaven since I was a small child. But in the last few weeks, that truth has really become real to me. I don't know how people make it without the hope of being with Christ and seeing their loved ones again.

"Another thing is having people like you to be with. My close friends at church have been great about spending time with me when I'm missing Rob - and if I need to talk, some of them are willing to listen to me, just like you do. It has brought us all closer together."

“And Dad has been great. Some days he will sit down with me and ask what I'm thinking. At other times we don't even have to talk. We just hug - and sometimes we even cry. I don't know how, but being together and crying together seems to ease the pain of losing Mom and Matty. We are closer than we have ever been." "That's wonderful, Chad. I’m really glad that people are reaching out and supporting you after experiencing such a significant loss.”

Difficult to Grieve

It was just over a month earlier that Chad had lost his mother, little brother and best friend when a produce truck hit their car. Doug had been away at a business conference all week, so the first thing he asked as they drove away was, "How are you doing, Chad?" He replied, "I'm doing okay. I still miss Mom a lot, and I have my emotional moments, but I'm so glad you told me about the different stages of grief. Otherwise I might think there was something wrong with me."

Chad shared a little more about his week, and then Doug asked, "How is Beth doing?" Chad sighed, “She calls about once a week, but she doesn't talk about Mom or Matty or the accident. I have been praying for her, but I think she is still hurting and doesn't know how to deal with it." Doug nodded, "Some people have a difficult time dealing with their pain and receiving comfort. Just keep praying for her and looking for ways to share comfort. Jenny and I will do the same."

Dreading the Funeral

Chad woke up in the morning dreading the funeral of his mother and little brother. He was expecting it to be sad, somber and depressing but he was wrong. There were many tears in the crowded sanctuary, especially in the rows where Chad sat with his family. But Pastor O'Neill conducted the service as a praise to God for the lives of his mother and brother. The songs sung and words spoken assured Chad that God is good and gracious when tragedy strikes. Even the brief service at the cemetery had an uplifting note as Pastor O'Neill reminded the family of the resurrection to come at Christ's appearing.

After the services, the church hosted a potluck supper in the fellowship hall for all who wanted to attend. Chad was surrounded by a crowd of loving people for a couple of hours. But as the people began to leave, he felt a little anxious. By tomorrow most of his visiting family would be gone, and on Sunday, Beth would fly back to college. Chad and his father would be alone for the first time since Margaret and Matthew died. Chad was not sure how he would handle it, but he knew that he had a great church family and friends who would help if they could.

Offer Comfort and Prayer

"I'm worried about Beth," Chad said to Doug with a little frown. "She hasn't cried once, and she doesn't want to talk about what happened to Mom or Matty. She spends most of the day with her friends or in her room alone. Is there anything I can do for her?" "Two things come to mind," Doug answered.

"First, comfort her as best you can. What kind of special times did she enjoy with your mother?” "Beth and Mom exchanged e-mail several times a week,” Chad answered. "Okay, maybe you could say to her, 'Beth, I'm sorry that you won't be able to chat with Mom by e-mail anymore. I know that was very special to you.'" "Just like you comforted me about missing my nightly visits with Mom."

"Exactly," Doug said with a wink.

"The second thing you can do is pray for her," Doug said is to ask God to help her receive the comfort she needs. That's what Jenny and I have been praying for. And we're praying for you too, Chad, every day." "Thank you," he said, “it means a lot that you check up on me. And thanks for the nice card you and Jenny sent. Dad and I have been real close this week, but it's great to know that you are here too." Doug nodded. "That's what it's all about to be in a family of believers, isn't it?"

Chad smiled and agreed.

Encouragement for the Grieving

Chad felt overwhelmed at the encouragement people shared with him and his family: bouquets, potted plants, scores of cards and letters filled with kind words of concern and love, and people called to share their love and sympathy and ask how the family was doing. Chad was especially blessed by the oversized card from the church youth group. Everyone had written in it, signed it, and included Scripture verses.

Even with all the support and encouragement, Chad had his down times. "I really get emotional around bedtime," he confided in Doug. "Mom usually came into chat and pray with me before I turned out the light. I miss that so much already." "I feel so sad that you won't have that nightly visit with your Mom, Chad," Doug consoled. Chad continued, "I seem to cycle through those different feelings you talked to me about. Mostly I'm either very sad or very mad -- and either way, I get really emotional."

"That's okay, Chad," Doug said. "It's part of the process."

Support for Those Grieving

The memorial service for Margaret and Matthew Rogers was scheduled for Friday morning at the church. With his father's encouragement, Chad elected to stay home from school for the week. It gave him time to grieve with Dad and Beth and other relatives, many of whom had come from out of state.

Chad was amazed at the practical support supplied by friends and church members like Doug and Jenny Shaw. He had expressed concern to Doug that he might fall behind on his school work during his week away. So Doug went to the school, contacted each of Chad's teachers, and collected assignments he could do at home. He just saw the need and filled it. Chad found it helpful to divert his concentration to homework a couple of hours each day.

Pastor O'Neill told Ben, Chad and Beth not to worry about fixing meals for themselves. Every evening, a different church family showed up at the house with a delicious covered-dish supper with plenty of food for extended family. Others in town volunteered to house visiting relatives. And someone was always available to run errands and help with household chores. Doug and Jenny Shaw were right in the middle of making sure Chad and his family were cared for in practical ways.

It May Be Partly My Fault

Chad just stared into the distance in the ICU waiting room trying to make sense of the horrible wreck that had taken the life of his little brother and best friend. How could it take his mother’s life too? After a few moments of silence, Doug asked, “Anything else going on inside that you want to talk about?" Chad looked away for a moment. Then he answered in a voice he hoped would not carry beyond them. "I think what happened to Mom and Matty may be partly my fault." "Your fault, what do you mean?" asked Doug.

Chad dropped his head. "I haven't been very consistent in my devotions lately. If I had been praying for my family like I should, maybe Mom wouldn't have been in the crash." "Oh Chad," Doug said, "I'm so sorry that you've been bothered by such a thought." Chad went on. "Last night I confessed it to God. I told Him that I would be more faithful and obedient to Him if He would just let Mom live."

At that moment, Ben and Pastor O'Neill slowly entered the room. Chad sensed the news in his father's face was not good. There were only a few tears as Ben reported to those assembled in the room, "Margaret is with the Lord now - and with Matthew." As family members and close friends embraced each other and left the hospital in twos and threes, they seemed sad but relieved and grateful that Margaret's brief suffering was over. But her fifteen-year-old son was struggling with a storm of conflicting feelings. Before leaving the hospital, Doug took Chad aside for one last comment. "None of this is your fault, Chad," he whispered with compassion in his gaze. "But don't worry. I'll be here to help you get through it."

Mom Can’t Die Now

Leaning close to his mother's ear, Chad whispered, "I don't want you to die. I miss you already." Realizing there would be no response from Mom, Chad bowed his head. "Lord, I want You to perform a miracle and heal my mother. But if You choose not to do it, tell me now. I can't stand to see her this way." Feeling exhausted in every way, Chad leaned back in the chair and fell asleep.

Early that afternoon, the family invited Pastor O'Neill and close friends to gather around Margaret for prayer. Chad, however, declined the invitation. He waited outside with some others, staying close to Doug Shaw. "This really isn't happening, Doug, not to me. Mom can't die now; she just can't. She has to be here when I graduate and go off to college. We have so many plans. She just can't die. It isn't fair." "I'm so sorry you won't have your mother to share in all of that, Chad," Doug consoled. "What else have you been feeling?"

Chad hesitated. "Sometimes I feel mad. Is that wrong?" Doug patted the young man's shoulder, “Anger is a common, normal reaction. Tell me about it." "I'm mad at the other driver for letting his truck cross the center line. And why doesn't the county have wider roads? Maybe Mom could have swerved around the truck. And I'm a little mad at God for letting this happen. He could have kept that truck from crossing the line. Why didn't He? The truck could have hit someone else's car, someone who didn't have any children." Doug nodded. "It's hard to understand why it happened this way, isn't it?"

It’s Only a Matter of Time

Monday morning, after consulting with the neurosurgeon, Ben approached his son in the ICU waiting room. He sat down beside his son and spoke softly with great sadness in his voice. "Chad, I have very sad news. Dr. Nordvall just told me that Mom is not going to come out of the coma. It's only a matter of time. I'm going to find Beth and tell her the doctor's news. We can all get together later this morning."

After his dad left, Chad talked with Doug for a few minutes, and they shared a brief time of prayer before Doug left for work. Chad found himself alone in the room with his mother. He stared for several minutes at the still form on the bed as the respirator pumped life into her breath by breath. The large, dark bruises on her pasty white face were tinged with sickly yellow. The woman looked more like a stranger than like Chad's Mom.