It’s Like a Bad Dream

Chad and his father practically lived at the hospital over the weekend, going home late at night only to sleep, shower, and change clothes. Beth was staying with friends. Family members, neighbors and church friends were helpful and supportive--taking care of the dogs during the day, bringing meals and flowers and visiting at the hospital as father and son stood vigil in the ICU. Chad most appreciated the timely visits of Doug and Jenny Shaw.

Chad slept only a few fitful hours on Friday and Saturday night. Awaking very early each morning, he prayed that the horrors of Friday evening were only a bad dream. He lay in bed for several anxious minutes, imagining that Mom, Dad and Matty were waiting to eat breakfast with him in the kitchen. But when he found his Dad alone in the kitchen each morning huddled over a cup of coffee and weeping, cold reality broke over him again.

On Sunday morning, Ben and Chad attended their church's early service before driving to the hospital. Soon after they arrived, Chad's best friend Rob died. Chad left his mother's bedside for a short while to grieve with Rob's parents, with Doug and Jenny, and with a group of kids from the youth group who had come to the hospital after church.

Chad missed Rob terribly. Quietly, he confided to Doug that he felt a little responsible for Rob's death. "If I hadn't begged him to come with me Friday night, he wouldn't have been in the van." Doug listened with empathy. His care and understanding were really helpful. Chad was thankful that he could talk to Doug and tell him what he was really feeling.

God, Why?

When Chad first glimpsed the patient on the bed, he felt relieved. It was not his mother. At least it did not look like his mother. The woman's puffy face was a collage of dark blue, purple, crimson and pasty white. Her head was swathed in a bandage from the surgery. Tubes protruding from her mouth and nose further distorted her face. And her eyes were covered by swollen, bluish-purple lids; they weren't the sparkling green eyes that Chad knew. Chad moved closer to confirm the faint hope that this was someone else's mother, not his.

But his dad's reaction told Chad the truth. He slipped his hand around his wife's pale, limp hand on the sheet and began talking to her softly, lovingly. After a minute, it was Chad's turn. He moved to the bed to stand beside his father. Gazing upon the still form, Chad could finally see a resemblance. The tuft of hair sticking out of the bandage was his mother's color. The shape of her ear and dimpled chin were also familiar. "I don't want it to be you, Mom, but it is you," he admitted silently.

At this moment Chad shed no tears. Another strong emotion was boiling up inside him as he gazed on the near-lifeless body. Chad clenched his jaw to keep the sudden, angry words from blurting out of his mouth: "God, why did You let this happen to my mother?"

She’s in a Deep Coma

Chad squeezed his eyes closed to shut out the cruel world assaulting him. Had his father and Doug not been surrounding him at the moment, he might have bolted from the hospital waiting room.

"When can we see her?" Ben asked the doctor, his voice breaking. "She should be in ICU by now," the doctor said, standing. "She is in a deep coma, but hearing your voices may be a comfort to her. A few of you may go back if you like."

Chad knew he had to go see his mother, but he hesitated at the idea. To Chad, walking through those doors meant that his mother was really in a hospital room connected to machines to stay alive, and he did not want to admit that. Horrible accidents occurred in other people's lives, not in his.

Moments later Chad found himself walking with Doug Shaw down a dimly lit hall toward ICU. Pastor O'Neill and Ben Rogers walked ahead. Jenny had left after volunteering to pick up Beth at the airport and bring her to the hospital.

Is My Mom Brain Dead?

Rob's surgeon came out first, and Chad held his breath as he began his report to family and friends. The gruesome details of his friend's life-threatening injuries and surgery made Chad shudder with shock and fear. Rob would be in intensive care for several days. He was on life support and had a fifty/fifty chance for survival. Chad joined Doug and Jenny to pray with Rob's parents.

When the second doctor, a neurosurgeon, walked into the waiting room about twenty minutes later, Chad wanted to run away and hide. If he didn't hear what the doctor said, he might be able to convince himself that his Mom was fine, that this hospital nightmare was only about Matty and Rob. But Ben motioned Chad to his side on the sofa and draped a comforting arm around his shoulders.

The doctor sat on the coffee table and addressed Ben Rogers. "Your wife is out of surgery and holding her own for the moment. But I'm afraid the prognosis is not good. She suffered serious head trauma in the crash, and we did everything we could for her. But she is not breathing on her own and - I'm sorry to say - her brain activity is very weak." "You mean my Mom is brain dead?" The timid words tumbled out before Chad could stop them. The surgeon turned to him. “I'm not ready to say she is brain dead. But it doesn't look good. We have done all we can medically, but I also believe in prayer and miracles. The rest is up to the Great Physician."

At Least He Didn’t Suffer

Waiting for the doctors to come out of surgery was torture. In the meantime, Ben Rogers's attention was torn between the sad task of arranging for his little boy's body to be picked up by the funeral home and the frail hope that his wife would survive her massive injuries. Chad and Ben both talked to Beth on the phone. His older sister said she would get on a flight for home as soon as possible. Chad was surprised at how calm she sounded on the phone.

Then, along with a room full of family and caring friends, they returned to waiting. People occasionally said things to Chad, apparently trying to cheer him up: "God must need your little brother in heaven more than we do. At least Matthew didn't suffer long. You should be thankful that God let you have him for six years. Everything will be all right." Chad knew the people meant well, but their comments only made things worse. He found himself returning to Doug and Jenny occasionally just to hear them say "We're sorry" and "We're here for you."

I Was Mad at Him When He Died

"I feel awful about Matty, because I was mad at him," Chad said at last, shaking his head
slightly. "I thought he was the reason Mom was late picking me up." "I know that hurts," Doug consoled gently.

"I blamed my little brother for something he didn't do," Chad lamented. "It wasn't his fault. Matty died, and I didn't have a chance to apologize for being mad at him." "We are so sorry you have to deal with those feelings, Chad," Jenny said. "We're going to be with you through this."

After several more silent seconds, Chad said, "Mom can't die; she just can't. She's my Mom --we're really close, and I need her. Beth needs her too. God wouldn't take my Mom away, would He? And Rob ... why did this have to happen to my mom, my best friend, and my little brother? I don't think God is being fair." Jenny gave Chad another gentle squeeze around the shoulder. "I'm so sad for you," she said with a quavering voice. "Seeing you hurt makes me hurt." "I know there are family members who want to be with you," Doug said, "but we want to pray for you first, okay?" Chad nodded.

The three huddled closely together and linked hands as Doug began. "Heavenly Father, thank You for loving Chad and knowing all about his deep pain. Thank You for being here with us right now and sharing Your comfort through others. We ache inside at the loss of little Matthew, and we pray for Your divine intervention for Margaret and Rob in surgery at this moment. Rest Your hand of care and blessing on Chad and his family as they deal with this tragedy. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen."

I Can’t Believe My Brother Died

Arriving at the emergency room, Chad, a high school sophomore, and his father Ben learned that Chad's six-year-old brother, Matthew, had died instantly when a produce truck had swerved across the line and hit the Rogers' van head on. Chad's emotions took a beating during the first hour at the hospital. The numbing shock of Matty's death was followed by the painful reality that his critically injured mother and friend were still fighting for their lives. Chad's eyes were red and puffy, and his chest hurt. He could hardly keep his hands from shaking. Family members were sobbing.

Several of Chad and Rob's friends were in the waiting room consoling each other and praying for the two families. Pastor O’Neill, along with Doug and Jenny Shaw, the youth-group sponsors, were with them.

Doug and Jenny hugged Chad, and the three of them stood crying together for a couple of minutes. Next to his own family Chad could not think of anyone he loved more as "second parents." "I can't believe what's happening to me," Chad said, fighting back tears. "I know it hurts a lot, Chad." Doug's voice cracked with emotion. “And we really hurt for you." "We love you, Chad," Jenny added, "and we wish you didn't have to go through this pain. We're so sorry about Matthew." "Matty is gone, Mom and Rob are hurt badly, and I can't get control of my emotions," Chad lamented. Doug patted Chad's arm. "It's okay. Go ahead and let it all out. We're here to cry with you and your family." "I know God feels your hurt too, Chad," Jenny said.

Chad sat silently for more than a minute, occasionally wiping a tear from his face. Doug and Jenny quietly kept him company, assuring him with gentle touches. Across the room, Pastor O'Neill and a few friends from church consoled and comforted Ben Rogers. Rob's family was also in the room, huddled with their loved ones. Everyone prayed that the grief they felt over Matthew's death would not be compounded by the loss of his mother, Margaret, or Chad's friend Rob, both of whom were still in emergency surgery.

There’s Been a Very Bad Accident

Chad Rogers was very annoyed. "It's Matty's fault, I just know it is," the sophomore hissed aloud to himself. “Mom treats him like he's king of the world. She probably took him to the video store so the little brat could pick out another video game. Mom should have been at the school more than an hour ago - that was the plan. She said she'd pick up Rob in town, meet me at school right after basketball practice, and eat supper by 5:30 so Rob and I can get to the church by 6:30. Matty is going to get it for this."

Chad heard a vehicle approaching in the distance behind him. From the corner of his eye he recognized his Dad's pickup truck. "Chad, get in, hurry." Chad heard something in his voice he had never heard before. Dad wasn't angry at him, but he wasn't happy either. He sounded worried, kind of stressed out.

"Chad, there's been ... a very bad ... accident." He was having trouble getting the words out. "We have to get to the hospital... right away." An electric shock of fear shot through Chad. "Mom, Matty, are they all right?" Ben's chin began to tremble, and his eyes glistened with tears. "It's very bad, son. They all went to the hospital in an ambulance - Mom, Matthew, and Rob too." His voice cracked as he went on. “A big truck crossed the center line -" "Dad, no!" Chad wailed, reading the agony in his face. "Not Mom, not Matty, not Rob! You're wrong. They're just late coming to pick me up." His father said, "Chad, this is a terrible thing, but we have to hold it together and get to the hospital. Mom and Matthew need us now, and Rob needs you too."

Feeling his Dad's strong, assuring grip on his arm again, Chad heard him lift a simple prayer in a broken voice, "Help us, Father. Help our family. We need You now." Please, God, help us, Chad echoed inside.

Movies, Teens and a Parent’s Influence

Josh was recently moved by a statement which claimed that the number one influence on teens is not parents, school or even church, but movies. This prompted his response about the importance of a good relationship between parents and their teens and the influence resulting from that. Here is Josh’s response:

“The greatest influence on my three daughters and one son WAS not movies, but it was their mother and me. Yes, movies play a greater part ONLY when parents yield it to them. There is research that shows a good relationship with one’s parents played a greater role in sexual behavior then their hormones. Let's hope every youth group goes to see "Save A Life."

I Need Respect and Affection

Six common emotional needs are attention, appreciation, approval, acceptance, respect, and affection. Attention, appreciation, approval, and acceptance were expanded on in the last two blogs. Here are more:

Respect

Our need for respect is met when we feel highly valued and esteemed by others. You may identify with the following statements if you don't feel respected by your parents:

My parents or friends are always yelling at me.
I don't have any privacy at home.
I feel like my parents or friends don't trust me.
Mom and Dad treat me like a little kid.
My parents are always checking up on me.

Affection

Affection is communicated through physical closeness and loving words. A lack of parent/child affection is reflected in the following statements:

It seems that my parents treat my brother or sister better than they treat me.
I wish I felt closer to my parents or friends.
My parents hardly ever tell me they love me.
Dad and Mom seldom hug or kiss me anymore.
I don't receive much affection from my parents or friends.
I know my parents love me, but sometimes they don't act like it.

I Need Approval and Acceptance

Six common emotional needs are attention, appreciation, approval, acceptance, respect, and affection. Attention and appreciation were expanded on in the last blog. Here are more:

Approval

Our need for approval is met when others compliment our deeds and speak well of us. These statements reflect a student whose need for approval is not being met by parents or friends. Are they true of you?

Nothing I do is good enough for my parents or friends.
My parents or friends don't approve of me.
It seems that my parents or friends criticize me all the time.
My parents or friends sometimes make me feel like a complete failure.

Acceptance

We feel accepted when people know we are different and imperfect and love us anyway. Someone who doesn't feel accepted may make these statements:

My parents or friends only seem to care about me if I do what they want me to do.
Dad and Mom can't accept the fact that I'm different from them.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in this family.
They treat me like I don't know anything.
When I mess up, my parents or friends can't seem to forgive me.