Single Parenting

Are you considering single parenthood? Use the questions below to help you evaluate the option of parenting your child alone for now:

- If you choose single parenthood, what consequences will it have on your education and future career? How will this option affect your child?

- Where will you live, and how will you financially support your child?

- Who will care for your child while you work or go to school? Do you consider the idea of child care by others ideal, acceptable or unacceptable?

- If you raise your child without his or her natural father, do you know someone (such as your father, your adult brother, an adult male friend, etc.) who is willing to serve as a positive, Christian male role model for your child?

Are You Considering Marriage?

You should consider marriage to your child’s father only if there are sound reasons beyond seeking to “legalize” your pregnancy. If you can answer most of the questions below in the positive, perhaps you should discuss this option with those giving you support and counsel:

Do you and the father of your child want to be married now? Were you planning to be married before you discovered you were pregnant?

Are you and the father of your child mature enough mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to take on the responsibilities of husband and wife, father and mother?

If you marry now, what consequences will it have on the schooling and future careers of you and the father? Will you be able to provide financially for the child?

Do close family members and trusted adult friends agree that marriage is the best thing for you, the father and the child?

Do you have supportive family and friends who are willing to help you if you decide to marry and parent the child?

Are You Considering Abortion?

Abortion may seem like a quick and relatively easy solution to your unintentional pregnancy. Before you take that option, consider that you are carrying in your womb a living person. God can see the developing form of that individual already (see Psalm 139: 13-16), and He already knows that baby just as He has known you from the time you were in your mother’s womb (see Jeremiah 1:5). Your baby’s heart is likely beating already, and soon you will be able to feel him or her turn and kick inside you. This person will continue to develop until the time of childbirth. Then the newborn will eventually grow into a child, an adolescent, and finally a mature adult. That small life within you may only be at the beginning stages of growth, but it is already a person.

An abortion ends even the possibility of life. Most abortions are done by inserting a vacuum tube into the uterus and the powerful suction removes the child. Another method is dilation and curettage (D and C), in which a loop-shaped knife cuts the baby from the womb. Yet another procedure is a saline injection through the mother’s abdomen into the baby’s sac. The mother then goes into labor and delivers a still-born body.

The majority of women who have an abortion suffer mental and emotional torment for years. They realize that the abortion is the act of killing the person who would one day call them Mommy. You may be overwhelmed right now by the other complications of your unplanned pregnancy. But there are better ways to respond to your situation than to end the life of the innocent person who was conceived through your mistake.

Questions about Unintentional Pregnancy

Dealing with your many feelings, welcoming the comfort of others, confessing your sin, and receiving God’s forgiveness are important steps in responding to your unintentional pregnancy. But there are other questions that must be considered that impact the people who will be affected by the baby growing inside you. The questions may not be pleasant to think about or easy to answer, but they will start you on the track to dealing with the issues that accompany your pregnancy. Consider going through these questions with a youth leader, a trusted friend, parent or minister.

Are you sure you are pregnant? Have you missed a period? Have you taken an in-home pregnancy test? Have you been examined by a doctor? If you have not confirmed your suspicions of pregnancy, do so. If you need help with this step, ask a mature Christian friend or leader.

Who knows about your pregnancy? It is very important that you immediately disclose your condition to your parents and to your boyfriend and his family. This may seem impossible but suggestions for a meeting with your parents will be discussed in a future blog. Beyond the close circle of the involved families, you need to inform others only if and when you choose.

Sin Against God

How do you deal with your sin against God when you unintentionally become pregnant out of wedlock? As disruptive and damaging as your sin may seem, not only to you, but also to your boyfriend, your families, and others, repentance is appropriate and God’s forgiveness is available. As stated in 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Those who care for you and comfort you at this time will be glad to pray with you as you confess your sin and receive God’s forgiveness. Premarital sex is not an unforgivable sin. You will sense God's care and concern for you as caring people provide comfort, encouragement and support, and as they weep and pray with you.

What if you have a need and nobody steps up to offer help? Ask for it. There is nothing wrong with telling a trusted friend, a youth leader, or your minister about a need and asking for help. In most cases, people are more than willing to help out--they just don’t know what needs to be done. Feel free to help people support you at this time by letting them know what you need. It’s okay to tell someone who cares about you, “I need a hug” or “I just need you to be with me for a while.”

Let the Hurt Out

How do you handle the many different and painful feelings churning within you if you are unintentionally pregnant? Try not to bottle up your feelings. Let your pain flow out with a trusted adult or friend which reflects Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:4: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Mourning is the process of getting the hurt out. This is God’s design for beginning to heal your inner pain. As the apostle Paul wrote, “God…comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

When you experience sorrow, people may try to comfort you by cheering you up, urging you to be strong, or trying to explain away the tragic event. These people no doubt care about you and mean well by their words, but they don't know what comfort looks like.

When Lazarus died and Jesus arrived at the home of his sisters, Mary and Martha, He wept with them (John 11:33-35). Why didn’t Jesus simply tell the grieving Mary and Martha, “No need to cry, because in a few minutes Lazarus will be alive again”? Because at that moment they needed someone to identify with their hurt. Jesus met Mary’s and Martha’s need for comfort by sharing in their sorrow and tears. Later He performed the miracle that turned their sorrow to joy by bringing Lazarus back to life.

We receive comfort when we know we are not suffering alone. Paul instructed us, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Rom. 12:15).

Fear, Guilt, Shame and Regret

In addition to denial, the following feelings are very common for teens who are unintentionally pregnant:

Fear: You may be afraid of how your parents or boyfriend will react. You may fear the changes that will happen in your body or the pain of childbirth. You may be afraid of being rejected by friends, relatives or your church. Or you fear all the unknowns ahead.

Guilt: You realize you have broken God’s laws concerning sexual activity before marriage. You may be so guilt-ridden at this point that you can barely focus on anything else.

Shame: You don’t want to be known as “that kind of girl.” You are embarrassed about losing your reputation as a virgin and fear you will be reminded of your shame for months to come as your pregnancy changes your appearance.

Regret: Knowing that you can’t change the past, you may feel you have ruined your life or your boyfriend’s life. You may think you have shattered your parents’ reputation in the church or the community. You may be feeling for the first time the pain of facing serious consequences that cannot be undone.

Emotional Upheaval

If you are a teen and unintentionally pregnant, you may be experiencing a wide range of emotions. You may feel terribly sad, depressed, hopeless, fearful, frightened, and even angry because of what happened. You may get intensely angry at the situation, at the child growing inside you, at the boy you had sex with or even at God for allowing it to happen. You may cry as you have never cried in your life. You may feel emotionally drained and exhausted. Or you may feel intense guilt or shame about what is happening.

It is important, however, to understand that all these feelings are normal and natural. It is the way God wired you. Your emotions are a built-in release valve to help you handle deep inner pain. It is important to recognize your feelings and deal with them in a productive way. Otherwise, they can come in out in very unproductive ways that can make you situation seem even worse. The following feelings are very common for teens who are unintentionally pregnant:

Denial: You may live in denial that you are pregnant. You may put off taking a pregnancy test, talking to anyone, or seeing a doctor, even when the early signs seem obvious. You may try to ignore the facts and hope they will just go away. To be continued.

Unplanned Pregnancies

It is estimated that one million unmarried girls age nineteen and under get pregnant every year:

Only about 15% of these pregnancies are wanted.

About 85 % of these pregnancies are not wanted.

About 50% of them end in births (includes babies adopted).

About 33% end in abortion.

Less than 2% end in miscarriage.

If you or a friend is an adolescent, unmarried, and unintentionally pregnant, you may be overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings, questions, and decisions that need to be made. This series of blogs will help you work through that pain and what lies ahead.

Teen Pregnancy and School

Jenny drove in silence for a minute. “I really admire you, Stephanie, for putting your baby’s welfare above your own desires and letting someone adopt her.” The affirmation warmed Stephanie’s heart. “Thanks, but I couldn’t have done it without people like you and Mom and Kate. Your support and encouragement have made the decisions easier.”

Jenny nodded her appreciation for the comment. Then she asked, “How is school going?” Stephanie replied, “Now it's going really well. At first it was difficult with kids at school staring and whispering behind my back. But my real friends have been very encouraging.” Smiling, she continued, “I plan to stay in class almost until my due date. Then I’ll home-school until the baby comes. I should be back in school a couple of weeks after the birth so I can graduate with my class.”

“I’m really happy for you, Stephanie,” Jenny said, “everything seems to be working out.” Stephanie hummed her agreement, “Romans 8:28 has been very special to me in the last few months. God is bringing good out of my not-so-good situation and the consequences I am facing.” Jenny smiled, “That’s the best news of all, Stephanie.”

It's a Girl

Placing a hand on her ballooning tummy, Stephanie announced, “It’s a girl. The images were real clear this month, they said. Everything looks good. The baby is healthy and growing.” “A girl-that’s wonderful,” Jenny said with guarded enthusiasm, “but are you doing okay?” “Yes, I’m doing well. The doctor says I’m a couple of pounds overweight, but she wasn’t worried about it.” “I mean are you okay emotionally, knowing that the baby is a girl?” Jenny asked with concern. “Does it make you want to change your mind?”

Stephanie thought about it for a moment. “I had a hunch that it was a girl, so I’m pleased about that. There is still a part of me that would love to take care of my little girl. But Mom and I prayed about this a lot, talked a lot, and cried a lot. I’m convinced that the best thing for the baby is to grow up with our plans to share her with a loving family.”

“Are Brent and his parents okay about that?” Jenny asked. “Yes. It might be different if Brent was someone I already planned to marry. But we're not going to be together. We both know that. And it might be different if I was mature enough to raise the child by myself. But I’m not. His family and mine agree that the baby deserves a better home than either Brent or I can provide.”