I Thought God Decided

"What do you mean you decided to get married?" Ashley blurted out. "Don't you mean God decided?" "Actually, it was kind of a corporate decision," Jenny answered with a smile. "I knew that a relationship with Doug was in God's will, but God didn't decide for me. I had a choice in the matter, and so did Doug. God loves us so much that He wants us to enjoy the desires of our heart as long as our number one desire is to delight in Him. Had I chosen not to marry Doug, or had he chosen not to marry me, I probably would have met another Christian man who would have been just as much in God's will for my life.”

Ashley didn't like what she was hearing. Next to God, Bobby was the desire of her heart. But what if Bobby didn't feel the same way about her? She wanted God to make the choice—namely, choosing Bobby for her and her for Bobby. It was becoming painfully clear to Ashley that she had to talk to about her future with Bobby.

Were You a Virgin?

Jenny Shaw, a youth group leader, was hosting a sleepover with several senior girls, including Ashley Shepherd. Ashley tried not to sound desperate but asked, "Jenny, did you know immediately that Doug was the one for you?"

"Not really," Jenny said. "One thing I have learned about God's will is that He usually reveals it one day at a time. I was attracted to Doug right away, and we enjoyed dating and serving Christ together on the outreach team. But it was almost two years before I was sure he was the one God had picked out for me." "How did you know for sure?" Ashley pressed. And Jamie added boldly, "Were you a virgin when you married Doug?" That widened the eyes of all the girls.

"Yes, I was a virgin," Jenny said with a smile. "It wasn't easy, but we were both committed to entering marriage sexually pure. The second way I sought God's will was through prayer." Jenny continued, “Third, I asked for the advice and counsel of mature Christians. I wanted objective opinions about my relationship with Doug. And fourth, I paid attention to the circumstances that kept bringing Doug and me closer together. We both felt led to serve God with our lives, but neither of us felt called to the ministry as a vocation. We worked well together as a team. We enjoyed many of the same things. We loved being together. Since we received nothing but green lights from God for two years, we decided to go for it." To be continued.

God's Universal and Individual Will

Bobby and three other senior boys in the church youth group had decided to celebrate their upcoming graduation by backpacking into the mountains for three days of fishing and fun. They decided to invite Doug Shaw to go with them. Doug and his wife, Jenny, were the volunteer youth leaders in their church. After a long day of backpacking, dinner and a great time talking, a lull hit the conversation. Bobby asked, "Doug, how did you decide what your career would be, where you would go to college, stuff like that?" Smiling he responded, “You mean how did I discover God's will for my life when I was your age?" Bobby was glad the others could not see his embarrassment.

“First, I want to share something with you about God's will that I learned from my pastor. It really helped me get from where I was to where I am today." He continued, "God reveals His will for us throughout the Bible. There are two levels of God's will. The first is God's will for everybody, or as my pastor called it, God's universal will. Then there's God's will for each individual. A lot of people want to know God's will for them individually but ignore God's universal will. That's a big problem. Why should God reveal His specific will for us if we are not obedient to His universal will? For example, we know it's God's will that everyone develop a consistent attitude of prayer and fellowship with Him. Can you guys think of others?" "Love one another," Bobby said. “Obey your parents?" Ian offered.

Doug nodded, "When I was a junior, I went to my pastor and asked him how I could tell if God wanted me to go college. He asked me if I had trusted Christ as my Savior, if I was obeying my parents, if I was staying pure sexually. I guess I looked kind of shocked at the questions. The pastor said, “If you're not committed to obeying God's universal will, there's no point in seeking His specific will.” I never forgot that. The key to finding God's specific will for our lives is to faithfully obey what He has already given us to do. And to remember that His will quite often is revealed day by day, not all at once.”

Ashley's Story

Ashley was embarrassed by her tears, but she couldn't stop them from flowing. It had hit her all of a sudden when Bobby's baseball game ended: This could be the beginning of the end for Bobby and me. In a few weeks we will graduate. Soon after that he will be off to attend Bible college or to play baseball somewhere far away. He will meet other girls and forget all about me. Then what will I do? Her parents wanted her to attend the state university nearby, and she agreed with them but would that decision separate her from Bobby?

Since Ashley and Bobby had started going together almost three years earlier, Ashley had just known she would marry Bobby someday. But it was all a big secret. She'd told no one, especially not Bobby. He was so involved in his studies and baseball and the youth group leadership at their church that he probably did not yet know they were destined to be together. It was God's will—Ashley was sure of it. But would Bobby come to the same conclusion? What if Bobby's life centered around baseball or the ministry, and he found another girl who was better suited to his career? But, what if Bobby went elsewhere? She could not keep him from meeting other girls. What if you are mistaken about God's will? Is it God's will or wishful thinking? If I don't marry Bobby, what will I do? Should I start a career? Should I date other people? How could anyone know these things for sure? I have to talk to somebody, she realized. I have to figure out how to discover God's will, or I'll go crazy. She had no idea that her boyfriend was thinking the same thoughts as he drove home.

Struggling with God's Will

Since trusting Christ as a child, Bobby had tried to discover and obey God's will at every stage of his life. The obeying part had been rather simple. It was the discovering part that was often difficult. But he wasn't about to tell the reporter in front of him that he didn't know how to figure out what God's will was for his life.

The reporter asked, "What about turning pro?" the reporter continued, "I hear there's a chance you may not play baseball at all next year." "It's possible," Bobby replied. "One of my options is to attend a small Bible college that has no baseball program." Surprised, the reporter asked, “Could you really hang up your cleats after such an outstanding three years on the Kennedy diamond?” "Yes, I could give up baseball," he answered, hoping his disappointment didn't show, "if that's what God wants me to do." He wondered why God was waiting so long to tell him what to do.

Bobby saw his parents and his girl friend approach him. Beaming with pride, his parents hugged him and congratulated him on his good game, even though the team had lost the regional championship game. Then he was face- to- face with Ashley. Inwardly, he didn't know if Ashley was the girl God had picked out for him to marry any more than he knew if he was supposed to continue to play baseball. But the time to make a decision was approaching very quickly. He wished he knew what to do.

Bobby's Story

Bobby Franklin hardly noticed the cheers as he approached the plate, bat in hand. His parents were in the crowd. So was Ashley, who had been his steady girlfriend since they were both sophomores. But Bobby's focus was on the game. Win or lose, it was his last baseball game at Kennedy High School. His bat connected with the ball, but was it enough? The player on third took off as the fielder launched a rocket shot—both appearing to arrive at home at the same time. The umpire's right hand shot into the air as he bellowed, "Out!" Bobby's head dropped to his chest. The regional championship was lost. The season and Bobby's high school baseball career were over.

A camera zoomed in on him as the reporter began, "I'm standing with Bobby Franklin, Kennedy's third baseman and the favorite to win player-of-the-year honors. Bobby, you led the league in hitting and fielding. How does it feel to lose the championship after such a successful season?" "We're disappointed to lose today. But it was a great season, and I'll never forget it" he answered. The reported asked, “Have you decided yet if you will go on to play college baseball?" Bobby tried not to show it, but he was struggling over his future. He responded, "I'm not sure yet" as he had many times before. Bobby didn't like being “not sure,” but he didn't know how to be sure about what God had in store for his future.

A Summary of Loss

The pain of a significant loss in your life may be so great that you wonder if you will ever get back to normal. Keep these keys in mind as you trust God to get you through this sad experience:

Let your sorrow be expressed. God designed your emotions to help you vent the pain of your loss. Don't stuff your feelings of sorrow inside; let them out so your heart can start healing.

Allow others to comfort you, support you and encourage you. God's design for healing your grief includes using other people. Let loving family members and friends cry with you and care for you in practical ways.

Give yourself time to grieve. Moving through the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - may take many weeks or months. Be assured that, as time passes, things will get better.

Hold on to the hope of God's goodness. If your loved one was a Christian, you will see him or her in heaven again some day. If you are not sure about his or her faith, be assured that God is loving and just, and He always does what is right.

Allow God to use you to comfort, support, and encourage others. Your experience of receiving comfort from others has uniquely equipped you to help others in sorrow. It may take time, but you will have an opportunity to pass along comfort, support and encouragement to someone who has lost a family member or friend. You can make a huge difference in how someone else gets through his or her loss.

You Need Encouragement

When grieving the loss of a loved one, you need encouragement in addition to comfort and support. You receive encouragement when someone does something thoughtful to lift your spirits. You can encourage people by stopping by just to see how they are doing, sending flowers, providing a hug, and sending a card, especially with a personal comment or Scripture verses. Encouraging deeds like these may not seem as practical as providing meals and running errands, but they are just as necessary.

Once again, if you do not receive the encouragement you need, ask for it. It's okay to tell someone who cares about you, "I need a hug" or "I just need you to be with me for a while." Since it will take time for you to move through the stages of grief after your loss, you will continue to need comfort, support and encouragement for some time. Your needs will not be as great as they were at first, but don't assume that you will be ready to resume life as usual right after the funeral. You must allow your friends and family to continue their ministry of caring as long as you need it.

You Need Support

You need more than comfort from others while grieving the loss of a loved one. You also need support. What's the difference between comfort and support? People supply the comfort you need when they share your sorrow emotionally.

People supply the support you need by helping you during this time in practical ways. The day-to-day tasks of life go on even after a tragedy. But you may have little attention or energy for such things because you are dealing with such a heavy emotional burden. You and others in your family need temporary help just to get these things done. You need the help of people who are committed to obeying Galatians 6:2, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

You may be tempted to ignore or to refuse the support offered by others. You may feel that you can handle it yourself, or you may not want others to be bothered with things you normally do for yourself. Resist that temptation. God put Galatians 6:2 in the Bible because He knows there are times we should rely on the support of others. This is such a time. Let other people do things for you, and be grateful for their help. It is one of the ways God is providing for your needs at this time.

What if you have a need and nobody steps up to offer help? Ask for it. There is nothing wrong with telling a trusted friend, a youth leader or your minister about your need and asking for help. In most cases, people are more than willing to help out; they just don't know what needs to be done. Feel free to help people support you at this time by letting them know what you need.

Unhealthy Grief

The only real danger in moving through the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance—is the expression of your feelings in inappropriate or unhealthy ways. For example, if your anger tempts you to seek revenge against someone, or if your depression causes you to attempt suicide, this would be responding to grief in improper and unhealthy ways. It is wise not to respond impulsively to any of the strong emotions you encounter as you move through the stages of grief.

One of your best allies in dealing with the death of a loved one is time. The old proverb "Time heals all wounds" contains a nugget of truth. Accept the fact that it will take time for you to get over your great loss. You need time to process the jumble of feelings and thoughts. You need time to talk out your feelings with mature, compassionate Christian friends and leaders. As the weeks pass, your sorrow will diminish and your life will return to a fairly normal pattern.

Give time a chance to work for you by not expecting the pain and confusion to go away too soon. Hopefully, you will not have to make this journey alone. Try not to be afraid to reach out to someone. Most people want to help but just don’t know what to do or say.

Acceptance, the Last Step in Grieving

The grieving process has five clear stages and the stages often overlap and recur. Denial, anger, bargaining, and depression have already been discussed. The last stage of grief is acceptance.

As time goes by and the other stages of grief diminish, you will be able to accept the reality of your loss and begin to deal with it constructively. Even as this stage becomes dominant, you may still experience pangs of denial, anger and depression but they will be minimal.

Christian counselors and leaders generally agree that it is normal and healthy to experience the five stages of grief following the death of a loved one. Some of the emotions and thoughts that you experience during this time may be new to you or stronger than ever before in your life. You may think something is wrong with you for reacting in these ways but there isn’t. You are going through common responses to a significant loss in your life.

Bargaining and Depression

The grieving process has five clear stages and the stages often overlap and recur. The last blog explained denial and anger. Here are two more: bargaining and depression.

The third stage of grief is bargaining with God for relief from the awful event and its consequences. You may find yourself secretly trying to cut a deal with God, vowing to change your behavior if He will bring back your loved one or make the pain or the reality of separation go away. The plea to God is often motivated by a sense of false guilt over not being a better Christian, fearing that you caused the tragedy in some way. You may be prompted to try to cut a deal with God both to change the circumstance and make up for perceived failures.

Another stage of grief is depression, which comes when you realize that your loved one is really gone. It's the feeling of overwhelming sadness or hopelessness over the loss. Depression may be accompanied by fear, anxiety or insecurity about living without your loved one. Intense loneliness is another facet of depression. (To be continued.)