Ken had asked his youth leader, Doug, to help him talk to his parents about things not going well at home. When the conversation got a little tense, Doug cut in respectfully. "Ken, maybe it would help if you told your Dad what you'd like to hear him say in a situation like the other night." Turning toward his dad, Ken said, "I would have felt better if you said something like, 'How is your homework going?' And when I showed you my worksheet, you might say, 'Good job so far. If you need any help, ask me, and don't let the music distract you.'" His father nodded, “I'm sorry I was hard on you the other night, and at other times too. I guess I am so eager for you to succeed that I forget to notice when you do succeed. I'm very sorry, Ken. His mother added, "We'll do our best to notice your strengths and good behavior and mention them to you."
Ken went on, "It would be great sometimes," he concluded, "if you could just come into my room, ask how I'm doing, and listen to me." His parents apologized again and promised to be more attentive. "And … uh … I kind of miss the hugs, and I still like to hear you say 'I love you.'" Ken's Mom was on her feet immediately "I'm so happy to hear you say that, Ken. I haven't hugged you as much lately because I thought you didn't want to be treated like a child. "There's just one thing," Ken said, wiping away his tears with a smile. "I want hugs and kisses, but not when my friends are around, okay?" The four of them enjoyed a good, long laugh.
Doug prayed for the family and Ken walked him to the front door. "Thanks a lot Doug, for ... you know ... just, thanks." "You did a great job, and your parents ... well, I think they really love you. Are you feeling okay about talking to Todd?” Ken said, “I think I can do it by myself... except for your prayers, of course." Closing the door, he was almost excited about clearing the air with his friend Todd. And he would enjoy talking to Doug - and his parents - about the meeting afterward.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Mom and Dad, I Really Need …
Ken was so nervous that his voice squeaked when he spoke. "Mom and Dad, I've been talking to Doug recently, and he has really helped me see some things in my life more clearly. I came to better appreciate how well you take care of me with a nice home, plenty to eat, and buying most of my clothes and stuff for me.” Ken swallowed hard. “And I ... I love you both." Doug noticed a glimmer of a smile on the faces of Ken’s parents. "We love you too, Kenneth," his Mom said. Dad nodded.
Ken cleared his throat. He found it very difficult to say these words, and he wished he could leave the room, but it was too important. "Since you are so good at taking care of my needs, I want to tell you about a couple of other areas where I kind of need your help. Would that be okay?" "Of course, Ken," Dad said. Ken squirmed uncomfortably, “Well, I'm learning that I have a pretty big need for your approval. I know I screw up a lot, and you tell me about it when I do. I need to be corrected sometimes. But it would help me if you'd also mention when I do something right. When I don't hear your approval, I begin to think everything I do is wrong. If either of you notices something I do right, would you be willing to tell me about it?"
After several silent seconds, his Dad said, "Do you really think we don't approve of you?" "Sometimes, Dad, when I only hear that my grades aren't good enough, that you don't like my clothes, that my room is messy ..." Ken could have added more to the list, but he didn't want to overdo it. "Kenneth, you're our son," his Dad said, "and we're very proud of you. We only discipline you because we want the best for you."
Ken nodded. "I know, Dad. But when all I hear about is what needs to change, I get discouraged. It's like the other night, when you took away my CD player. I was working on my homework, and it was half done. But you didn't see that. Instead, all I heard about was how bad my music and study habits are." (To be continued)
Ken cleared his throat. He found it very difficult to say these words, and he wished he could leave the room, but it was too important. "Since you are so good at taking care of my needs, I want to tell you about a couple of other areas where I kind of need your help. Would that be okay?" "Of course, Ken," Dad said. Ken squirmed uncomfortably, “Well, I'm learning that I have a pretty big need for your approval. I know I screw up a lot, and you tell me about it when I do. I need to be corrected sometimes. But it would help me if you'd also mention when I do something right. When I don't hear your approval, I begin to think everything I do is wrong. If either of you notices something I do right, would you be willing to tell me about it?"
After several silent seconds, his Dad said, "Do you really think we don't approve of you?" "Sometimes, Dad, when I only hear that my grades aren't good enough, that you don't like my clothes, that my room is messy ..." Ken could have added more to the list, but he didn't want to overdo it. "Kenneth, you're our son," his Dad said, "and we're very proud of you. We only discipline you because we want the best for you."
Ken nodded. "I know, Dad. But when all I hear about is what needs to change, I get discouraged. It's like the other night, when you took away my CD player. I was working on my homework, and it was half done. But you didn't see that. Instead, all I heard about was how bad my music and study habits are." (To be continued)
Monday, December 21, 2009
I Feel Really Ignored
After church, Ken met Doug, his youth leader, in an empty Sunday school-classroom. "How's it been going at home since we talked last week, Ken?" Doug began. “It's like I'm not even part of the family unless I do something Mom and Dad don't approve of - and they seem to find plenty of those things each week." Doug asked, "Have you ever said to your Mom or Dad, I'm really feeling ignored. Do you have fifteen minutes you can spend with me?" "No way," Ken answered. Doug pressed on. "But when you're hungry, you're not afraid to ask them for something to eat, right? Then why can't you express your other needs and respectfully ask your parents to meet them?"
Ken had never considered telling his parents what he really felt. Doug continued, “And how would you feel if they started to notice your positive behavior and complimented you when you did something right?" Ken gave a small laugh. "I'd feel like they were on drugs." Doug laughed, then said, "Seriously, you have emotional needs, Ken - everybody does. You tell your Mom and Dad about your physical hunger for food, and they fill that need. I believe if you tell them about your emotional hunger for attention and approval, they will try to meet those needs too, because I think they really do love you."
Ken felt a mild flash of panic. "What do you mean by 'tell them'?" "I don't know if I can do that with my parents," he said nervously. "Sure you can," Doug said, sounding rock-solid confident. "I'll even go with you if you want, after you and I have talked and prayed together about your specific needs and how they are not being met." Ken could hardly believe it. "You would really do that?" During the next forty minutes, Doug helped Ken identify three of emotional needs that were not being met at home.
When Ken's dad arrived to pick him up, Doug asked if he could stop by later in the afternoon for a visit. Mr. Meyers agreed. Ken rode home in silence, nervous but hopeful. (To be continued.)
Ken had never considered telling his parents what he really felt. Doug continued, “And how would you feel if they started to notice your positive behavior and complimented you when you did something right?" Ken gave a small laugh. "I'd feel like they were on drugs." Doug laughed, then said, "Seriously, you have emotional needs, Ken - everybody does. You tell your Mom and Dad about your physical hunger for food, and they fill that need. I believe if you tell them about your emotional hunger for attention and approval, they will try to meet those needs too, because I think they really do love you."
Ken felt a mild flash of panic. "What do you mean by 'tell them'?" "I don't know if I can do that with my parents," he said nervously. "Sure you can," Doug said, sounding rock-solid confident. "I'll even go with you if you want, after you and I have talked and prayed together about your specific needs and how they are not being met." Ken could hardly believe it. "You would really do that?" During the next forty minutes, Doug helped Ken identify three of emotional needs that were not being met at home.
When Ken's dad arrived to pick him up, Doug asked if he could stop by later in the afternoon for a visit. Mr. Meyers agreed. Ken rode home in silence, nervous but hopeful. (To be continued.)
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My Parents are Ragging on Me
Ken knew Doug and Jenny Shaw as volunteer youth leaders at church. Ken loved the youth group at church and Doug frequently told kids in the group that he and Jenny-were available to talk with them about anything. Ken really wanted to talk to them about all his struggles with his parents. So, Ken dropped by their print shop hoping that Doug could talk to him. Doug immediately suggested they go grab a fruit smoothie.
The thought of actually telling another person about the anger and hurt he felt toward his parents and his friend Todd made Ken pause to swallow a surprising lump of emotion that had suddenly crept into his throat. "I'm ... I'm having trouble with my parents. We're not getting along very well right now. It seems that everything I do is stupid or wrong. They're always ragging on me about my clothes or my music or my grades. They don't seem to care about who I am and what I like. I don't know if they really love me anymore." When he finished his explanation, Ken had tears in his eyes.
Doug's face clouded with sorrow as he said, "Tell me more about your relationship with your parents. How would you describe your relationship with your dad? "If we're not talking about me - like what's wrong with what I'm doing and stuff - we usually don't talk. He's busy with his work and his hobbies. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him," Ken emphasized, rubbing the hint of a small tear from his eye. Doug asked several more questions about Ken's relationship with his parents and his friend Todd. Finally Doug said, "I have to get back to the shop. But maybe we can get together at church during the 11:00 service. "Until then," Doug said, "I want you to know that I care about you.” Ken felt a spark of comfort and encouragement knowing that he was not alone in his pain. Doug knew and cared, and that meant a lot to Ken.
The thought of actually telling another person about the anger and hurt he felt toward his parents and his friend Todd made Ken pause to swallow a surprising lump of emotion that had suddenly crept into his throat. "I'm ... I'm having trouble with my parents. We're not getting along very well right now. It seems that everything I do is stupid or wrong. They're always ragging on me about my clothes or my music or my grades. They don't seem to care about who I am and what I like. I don't know if they really love me anymore." When he finished his explanation, Ken had tears in his eyes.
Doug's face clouded with sorrow as he said, "Tell me more about your relationship with your parents. How would you describe your relationship with your dad? "If we're not talking about me - like what's wrong with what I'm doing and stuff - we usually don't talk. He's busy with his work and his hobbies. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him," Ken emphasized, rubbing the hint of a small tear from his eye. Doug asked several more questions about Ken's relationship with his parents and his friend Todd. Finally Doug said, "I have to get back to the shop. But maybe we can get together at church during the 11:00 service. "Until then," Doug said, "I want you to know that I care about you.” Ken felt a spark of comfort and encouragement knowing that he was not alone in his pain. Doug knew and cared, and that meant a lot to Ken.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Biblical Truths Part 2
The goal of a Bible study to help a friend struggling with suicidal thoughts is to help him understand how God sees us so that he or she can begin to see himself or herself that way. He or she needs to learn and believe three very important biblical truths:
1. God sees us as lovable, giving us a sense of belonging: See Part 1.
2. God sees us as valuable, giving us a sense of worthiness: See Part 1.
3. God sees us as useful, giving us a sense of competence
Paul was not boasting when he said, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Phil. 4:13). He simply saw himself as God sees him: gifted and empowered by the Holy Spirit to serve God and others. God wants all believers to realize that He has given us certain physical, mental, and spiritual abilities and has equipped us to use those abilities successfully. God is so confident in our competence that He has called us to fulfill His Great Commission (see Matt. 28:18-20). Jesus said, “Apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). But like Paul, empowered by the Holy Spirit we can do everything. What a sense of competence!
Do you see the importance of helping your friend see himself or herself through God's eyes? The scriptural understanding of our identity in Christ may be a lifesaver. The more your friend realizes that he or she is lovable, valuable, and useful to God, the less likely he or she will be to consider suicide.
1. God sees us as lovable, giving us a sense of belonging: See Part 1.
2. God sees us as valuable, giving us a sense of worthiness: See Part 1.
3. God sees us as useful, giving us a sense of competence
Paul was not boasting when he said, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Phil. 4:13). He simply saw himself as God sees him: gifted and empowered by the Holy Spirit to serve God and others. God wants all believers to realize that He has given us certain physical, mental, and spiritual abilities and has equipped us to use those abilities successfully. God is so confident in our competence that He has called us to fulfill His Great Commission (see Matt. 28:18-20). Jesus said, “Apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). But like Paul, empowered by the Holy Spirit we can do everything. What a sense of competence!
Do you see the importance of helping your friend see himself or herself through God's eyes? The scriptural understanding of our identity in Christ may be a lifesaver. The more your friend realizes that he or she is lovable, valuable, and useful to God, the less likely he or she will be to consider suicide.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Biblical Truths Part 1
The goal of a Bible study to help a friend struggling with suicidal thoughts is to help him or her understand how God sees us so that he or she can begin to see himself or herself that way. He or she needs to learn and believe three very important biblical truths:
1. God sees us as lovable, giving us a sense of belonging
Just like everyone else, your friend needs to sense that he or she belongs to someone. We gain our ultimate sense of belonging when we understand that God loves us unconditionally, just as we are. John 1:12 declares that when we received Christ we became children of God. He accepted us as His sons and daughters and invites us to call Him “Abba, Father" (Rom. 8:15). The apostle John wrote, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins" (I John 4:10).
2. God sees us as valuable, giving us a sense of worthiness
Our true worth is revealed in the fact that our loving God allowed Jesus Christ, His sinless Son, to die for our sins. The apostle Peter wrote, "For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed but with the precious blood of Christ" (I Pet. 1:18-19). Paul said, "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:8). Impress upon your friend that if he or she were the only person on earth, God would have sent His Son to die for him or her. Your friend is worth the death of God's Son.
1. God sees us as lovable, giving us a sense of belonging
Just like everyone else, your friend needs to sense that he or she belongs to someone. We gain our ultimate sense of belonging when we understand that God loves us unconditionally, just as we are. John 1:12 declares that when we received Christ we became children of God. He accepted us as His sons and daughters and invites us to call Him “Abba, Father" (Rom. 8:15). The apostle John wrote, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins" (I John 4:10).
2. God sees us as valuable, giving us a sense of worthiness
Our true worth is revealed in the fact that our loving God allowed Jesus Christ, His sinless Son, to die for our sins. The apostle Peter wrote, "For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed but with the precious blood of Christ" (I Pet. 1:18-19). Paul said, "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:8). Impress upon your friend that if he or she were the only person on earth, God would have sent His Son to die for him or her. Your friend is worth the death of God's Son.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Intervention and a New Identity
Kids who entertain passing thoughts of suicide have two over-arching needs. First they need immediate, potentially life-saving intervention to neutralize their self-destructive thoughts and the circumstances that provoke them. If you suspect that a hurting friend is having suicidal thoughts, your first response is to meet his or her immediate needs for relationship, comfort, support and encouragement. These elements should be supplied as soon as possible.
A second over-arching need is for a new perspective of identity. People who consider suicide have a very low view of their value and worth. They may consider themselves a waste of space on the planet. No wonder they are tempted by suicidal thoughts. They do not consider their life worth salvaging. They lack a sense of belonging, worthiness, and competence.
Once you have begun to address your friend's primary need for relationship, comfort, support and encouragement, make plans to deal with the second need. Help your friend to see himself or herself through God's eyes. Take your friend to a Bible study that emphasizes that God sees us as lovable, valuable, and useful. Your friend must understand the biblical message of how God sees us so that he or she can begin to see himself or herself that way.
A second over-arching need is for a new perspective of identity. People who consider suicide have a very low view of their value and worth. They may consider themselves a waste of space on the planet. No wonder they are tempted by suicidal thoughts. They do not consider their life worth salvaging. They lack a sense of belonging, worthiness, and competence.
Once you have begun to address your friend's primary need for relationship, comfort, support and encouragement, make plans to deal with the second need. Help your friend to see himself or herself through God's eyes. Take your friend to a Bible study that emphasizes that God sees us as lovable, valuable, and useful. Your friend must understand the biblical message of how God sees us so that he or she can begin to see himself or herself that way.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Provide Encouragement for Your Friend
We encourage others whenever we do or say something thoughtful to lift their spirits. An example is planning to call your friend periodically just to be available and to remind them that you are thinking and praying for them. That's encouragement in action.
A friend who has had suicidal thoughts needs encouragement as much as he or she needs comfort and support. Here are a few ideas.
• Send an occasional note or e-mail that communicates in your own words, "I care about you" and "I'm praying for you."
• Call your friend and say something like, "Hi, I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you."
• Take the initiative to schedule a time to meet for lunch or a Coke. Focus attention on how your friend is doing.
• If your friend is playing sports, performing in a play, or participating in a debate or some other activity, attend the event to show your support.
• Ask a few other mutual friends to join you in supplying the encouragement your friend needs. Your thoughtful words and deeds of comfort, support, and encouragement will be an ongoing reminder to your friend that he or she is not alone. And when people with thoughts of suicide realize they are loved and cared for, they will begin to see themselves and their life situations in a healthier light.
Once you have initiated steps of comfort, support, and encouragement, you may have an opportunity to share with your friend more pointedly about his or her worth as a person.
A friend who has had suicidal thoughts needs encouragement as much as he or she needs comfort and support. Here are a few ideas.
• Send an occasional note or e-mail that communicates in your own words, "I care about you" and "I'm praying for you."
• Call your friend and say something like, "Hi, I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you."
• Take the initiative to schedule a time to meet for lunch or a Coke. Focus attention on how your friend is doing.
• If your friend is playing sports, performing in a play, or participating in a debate or some other activity, attend the event to show your support.
• Ask a few other mutual friends to join you in supplying the encouragement your friend needs. Your thoughtful words and deeds of comfort, support, and encouragement will be an ongoing reminder to your friend that he or she is not alone. And when people with thoughts of suicide realize they are loved and cared for, they will begin to see themselves and their life situations in a healthier light.
Once you have initiated steps of comfort, support, and encouragement, you may have an opportunity to share with your friend more pointedly about his or her worth as a person.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Offer Support to Your Friend
A person having suicidal thoughts needs support as well as comfort. What's the difference? You provide comfort when you share in your friend's sorrow emotionally. You provide support when you attempt to lighten their load in practical, helpful ways. Even in the midst of pain and struggle, the day-to-day tasks of life go on. Things must be done that your friend may have difficulty doing. He or she needs someone who is committed to obeying Galatians 6:2: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
An example could be helping with schoolwork. You provide needed support when you volunteer to put together a small team of tutors to help your friend. Support may also include such tasks as helping clean his room, finding a part-time job, getting a ride to church, or other practical tasks.
How can you be a helpful support to your suffering friend? Watch and ask questions. If you are aware of a task your friend is already doing, you can say, "May I help you with that?" If you don't see something obvious to do, ask, "Is there anything I can do to help you?" Ask others who know your friend to help share the load. Your support will ease the burden and allow your friend to concentrate on dealing with his or her emotional crisis.
An example could be helping with schoolwork. You provide needed support when you volunteer to put together a small team of tutors to help your friend. Support may also include such tasks as helping clean his room, finding a part-time job, getting a ride to church, or other practical tasks.
How can you be a helpful support to your suffering friend? Watch and ask questions. If you are aware of a task your friend is already doing, you can say, "May I help you with that?" If you don't see something obvious to do, ask, "Is there anything I can do to help you?" Ask others who know your friend to help share the load. Your support will ease the burden and allow your friend to concentrate on dealing with his or her emotional crisis.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I Feel All Alone Part 2
Here are several more ways to develop a caring relationship with a friend with suicidal thoughts and to help them feel less alone:
5. Affirm your friend's identity as a child of God
Suicidal persons have lost sight of their value to God. If your friend is a Christian, remind them that they are loved, valued, and useful to God. If your friend is not a Christian, they are still created in God's image, someone for whom Christ died. Look for ways to affirm your friend's value to God.
6. Try to instill hope in your friend
Most kids who consider suicide do not evaluate their life or process problems rationally. The best way to instill hope in such persons is by focusing on feelings instead of arguing over how they think. Try to communicate hope by feeling their sorrow by comforting them. Once hope is restored, there will be time to deal with your friend's irrational view of his or her situation.
7. Talk with your friend
Many discouraged, depressed students report that they cannot talk to their parents about problems, hurts and decisions. Encourage your friend to talk to you about his or her life and difficulties. Respect your friend's opinions without judgment or condemnation. Even if they are questionable, it is very important that your friend feels free to verbalize his or her feelings to someone who cares.
5. Affirm your friend's identity as a child of God
Suicidal persons have lost sight of their value to God. If your friend is a Christian, remind them that they are loved, valued, and useful to God. If your friend is not a Christian, they are still created in God's image, someone for whom Christ died. Look for ways to affirm your friend's value to God.
6. Try to instill hope in your friend
Most kids who consider suicide do not evaluate their life or process problems rationally. The best way to instill hope in such persons is by focusing on feelings instead of arguing over how they think. Try to communicate hope by feeling their sorrow by comforting them. Once hope is restored, there will be time to deal with your friend's irrational view of his or her situation.
7. Talk with your friend
Many discouraged, depressed students report that they cannot talk to their parents about problems, hurts and decisions. Encourage your friend to talk to you about his or her life and difficulties. Respect your friend's opinions without judgment or condemnation. Even if they are questionable, it is very important that your friend feels free to verbalize his or her feelings to someone who cares.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I Feel All Alone Part 1
Here are several ways to develop a caring relationship with a friend with suicidal thoughts and to help them feel less alone:
1. Be concerned for your friend
Demonstrate your interest and concern for your friend. Show your concern by going to a youth leader or other trusted adult for input on how to help. If you know that your friend is hurting, allow your heart to be moved with concern to the point that you act.
2. Be available to your friend
For most hurting people, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Look for opportunities to spend time with your friend in order to build your relationship and engage him or her in conversation.
3. Keep in touch with your friend
An occasional phone call just to say hello and to ask how your friend is doing shows that you care, even when you are not doing something together.
4. Pray for your friend
Ask God to show you ways to build your relationship and meet some of your friend's needs for love and acceptance.
1. Be concerned for your friend
Demonstrate your interest and concern for your friend. Show your concern by going to a youth leader or other trusted adult for input on how to help. If you know that your friend is hurting, allow your heart to be moved with concern to the point that you act.
2. Be available to your friend
For most hurting people, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Look for opportunities to spend time with your friend in order to build your relationship and engage him or her in conversation.
3. Keep in touch with your friend
An occasional phone call just to say hello and to ask how your friend is doing shows that you care, even when you are not doing something together.
4. Pray for your friend
Ask God to show you ways to build your relationship and meet some of your friend's needs for love and acceptance.
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