In the midst of all your feelings about your parents’ divorce, you can have the confidence that God sees you and cares about you. The Bible says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Ps. 34:18), and "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Ps. 147:3). God not only hurts when you hurt, but He also wants to comfort you, to hold you in His arms, to kiss your hurts and to bandage your inner wounds. He invites you, through honest prayer and childlike trust, to "cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" (1 Pet. 5:7).
Your family situation may be disappointing if your parents are going through a divorce, but it is not impossible. Simply talking to someone about your feelings and taking time to prayerfully work through the stages of grief will help you begin to cope with the changes in your family. Whenever you begin to feel desperate, don't suffer in silence and solitude. Tell someone who can help—a friend, a teacher, a youth leader, a pastor or someone else that you trust. God cares for you, and His family can comfort and support you.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Divorce—Helpless, Betrayed, Alone
Divorce in your family can leave you feeling a wide range of emotions. Here are some of them:
I feel helpless and hopeless. Your parents' separation or divorce may frustrate you because you can do little about it. You can't turn back the clock and undo whatever drove them apart. You can't change your parents' minds about the breakup. You can't mend their relationship. The reality and pain of the situation may leave you feeling helpless and hopeless. If you keep looking at the negative roadblocks, you will become more and more depressed. It is important to shift your attention away from what you can't do and focus on what you can do about dealing with your feelings.
I feel betrayed and alone. It is not unusual to experience a sense of alienation and loneliness as a result of parental divorce. You may feel that your parents have betrayed you. You may think No one understands what I'm going through; no one knows how I feel. You may feel alienated from your church. You may feel suddenly distant from your friends, especially those whose parents are still together. You may even feel separated from God. Such feelings may prompt you to withdraw from people. Despite the temptation to pull away from people at this time, you need to talk about your feelings with those who love you, such as your parents and youth leaders.
I feel helpless and hopeless. Your parents' separation or divorce may frustrate you because you can do little about it. You can't turn back the clock and undo whatever drove them apart. You can't change your parents' minds about the breakup. You can't mend their relationship. The reality and pain of the situation may leave you feeling helpless and hopeless. If you keep looking at the negative roadblocks, you will become more and more depressed. It is important to shift your attention away from what you can't do and focus on what you can do about dealing with your feelings.
I feel betrayed and alone. It is not unusual to experience a sense of alienation and loneliness as a result of parental divorce. You may feel that your parents have betrayed you. You may think No one understands what I'm going through; no one knows how I feel. You may feel alienated from your church. You may feel suddenly distant from your friends, especially those whose parents are still together. You may even feel separated from God. Such feelings may prompt you to withdraw from people. Despite the temptation to pull away from people at this time, you need to talk about your feelings with those who love you, such as your parents and youth leaders.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Divorce—Relieved, Rejected, Depressed
Divorce in your family can leave you feeling a wide range of emotions. Here are some of them:
I feel relieved. In addition to other emotions, you may actually feel some relief that your mom and dad are separating or divorcing. This doesn't mean that you are heartless or without compassion for your parents. You may be thinking that anything is better than their constant fighting. You may be hopeful that the separation will eliminate the abuse suffered by one parent, your siblings or yourself. Just be sure that your relief isn't another form of denial or a subtle means of "getting back" at your parents. Since their divorce hurt you, you may be tempted to make them think you are glad they are splitting up.
I feel unloved, unworthy, and rejected. You may feel that the breakup of your parents' marriage means they don't love you. You may think, Dad and Mom don't think I'm worth the effort of working out their problems. You may feel abandoned or rejected by the parent not living with you. You may feel that your friends, other family members or people in your church look down on you. Or you may be struggling with other feelings of insecurity and rejection. Tell your parents and your youth leader or minister how you feel. Let them help you realize that the breakup is not a reflection of your worth, nor does it mean that your parents see you as unlovable.
I feel sad, confused and depressed. These feelings are similar to the grief someone feels when a friend or loved one dies. In the case of a divorce, parents may still be living, but the pain is no less real. You may experience times of sadness and confusion. You may feel lazy and listless, with little motivation to do anything. Your temper and emotions may be on edge, ready to erupt at the smallest irritation. Intense feelings may overcome you when you don't expect them. You may have difficulty expressing your feelings or realizing what sparked them. Grief is normal and healthy as long as it runs its course and does not spiral downward into desperation. (To be continued).
I feel relieved. In addition to other emotions, you may actually feel some relief that your mom and dad are separating or divorcing. This doesn't mean that you are heartless or without compassion for your parents. You may be thinking that anything is better than their constant fighting. You may be hopeful that the separation will eliminate the abuse suffered by one parent, your siblings or yourself. Just be sure that your relief isn't another form of denial or a subtle means of "getting back" at your parents. Since their divorce hurt you, you may be tempted to make them think you are glad they are splitting up.
I feel unloved, unworthy, and rejected. You may feel that the breakup of your parents' marriage means they don't love you. You may think, Dad and Mom don't think I'm worth the effort of working out their problems. You may feel abandoned or rejected by the parent not living with you. You may feel that your friends, other family members or people in your church look down on you. Or you may be struggling with other feelings of insecurity and rejection. Tell your parents and your youth leader or minister how you feel. Let them help you realize that the breakup is not a reflection of your worth, nor does it mean that your parents see you as unlovable.
I feel sad, confused and depressed. These feelings are similar to the grief someone feels when a friend or loved one dies. In the case of a divorce, parents may still be living, but the pain is no less real. You may experience times of sadness and confusion. You may feel lazy and listless, with little motivation to do anything. Your temper and emotions may be on edge, ready to erupt at the smallest irritation. Intense feelings may overcome you when you don't expect them. You may have difficulty expressing your feelings or realizing what sparked them. Grief is normal and healthy as long as it runs its course and does not spiral downward into desperation. (To be continued).
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Divorce—Guilty, Angry, Afraid
Divorce in your family can leave you feeling a wide range of emotions. Here are some of them:
I feel guilty. I'm at fault You may wonder if your behavior prompted your parents' decision to break up. You may feel responsible because of rebellion toward your parents, bad grades, a hot temper, fights with your siblings or a failure to communicate your love to your parents. Perhaps your parents or other adults even told you that your attitude or behavior contributed to the divorce. These feelings may also prompt the inner urgency that you must get your parents back together. But you are not responsible for breaking up the marriage or for putting it together again. The truth is that all children have problems. It’s the adult’s responsibility to help you, not to blame you.
I feel angry and bitter. You may be angry about the breakup because it disrupts your family environment, creating disorder where before there was order. You may be angry or bitter because you resent being separated from one parent. Feelings of abandonment may spark your anger. You may resent being different from your friends whose families are still intact. You may have been the victim of one parent's resentment toward the other. The physical and financial burdens of the divorce may also be angering you. You may be angry about other aspects of the upheaval at home. In any case, you need to talk about your anger and get help dealing with it in healthy ways.
I’m worried and afraid. It is natural and common to react to your parents' problems with feelings of anxiety and fear. You may be worried about where you will live, where you will go to school or where you will spend vacations. You may fear the reactions of your friends, other family members and the church. You may be afraid that one parent, grandparents and other relatives on that side of the family will abandon you. Your anger and fear can even lead to loss of appetite, upset stomach, over eating, nightmares, a skin rash or other physical problems. It is important to admit your fears and to talk honestly about them with your parents and with your youth leader or minister. (To be continued).
I feel guilty. I'm at fault You may wonder if your behavior prompted your parents' decision to break up. You may feel responsible because of rebellion toward your parents, bad grades, a hot temper, fights with your siblings or a failure to communicate your love to your parents. Perhaps your parents or other adults even told you that your attitude or behavior contributed to the divorce. These feelings may also prompt the inner urgency that you must get your parents back together. But you are not responsible for breaking up the marriage or for putting it together again. The truth is that all children have problems. It’s the adult’s responsibility to help you, not to blame you.
I feel angry and bitter. You may be angry about the breakup because it disrupts your family environment, creating disorder where before there was order. You may be angry or bitter because you resent being separated from one parent. Feelings of abandonment may spark your anger. You may resent being different from your friends whose families are still intact. You may have been the victim of one parent's resentment toward the other. The physical and financial burdens of the divorce may also be angering you. You may be angry about other aspects of the upheaval at home. In any case, you need to talk about your anger and get help dealing with it in healthy ways.
I’m worried and afraid. It is natural and common to react to your parents' problems with feelings of anxiety and fear. You may be worried about where you will live, where you will go to school or where you will spend vacations. You may fear the reactions of your friends, other family members and the church. You may be afraid that one parent, grandparents and other relatives on that side of the family will abandon you. Your anger and fear can even lead to loss of appetite, upset stomach, over eating, nightmares, a skin rash or other physical problems. It is important to admit your fears and to talk honestly about them with your parents and with your youth leader or minister. (To be continued).
Monday, September 14, 2009
Divorce—Denial, Ashamed, Embarrassed
If your parents have recently separated or divorced, you may be experiencing a wide range of strong emotions. At different times you may feel angry, embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, bitter, afraid, confused, depressed or alone. It may seem a little silly to say it, but how you feel is how you feel. You can't really do much to control your emotions. But you can better understand how you feel and deal with those feelings appropriately. One of the most helpful things you can do to get through this time in your life is to share your feelings and concerns with a trusted Christian friend. It will also be helpful to seek the comfort, support and encouragement of a youth leader, minister or other adult at your church. How are you responding to the news that your parents are separating or getting a divorce? See if one or more of the following statements accurately represent your feelings:.
I can’t believe it. I don't want to talk about it. It is perfectly natural to respond to your parents' breakup as if it isn't happening or by telling yourself that they won't go through with it. Another form of denial is to idealize the absent parent or brag loudly and frequently about the breakup in order to cover your own anxiety. Or you may respond by refusing to talk about it. Denial is a normal way of coping with difficult situations, but, in the long run, denial is not healthy.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Shame and embarrassment are common responses to parents' separation or divorce. You may be too embarrassed to tell some of your closest friends about what is happening in your family. You may feel that the breakup proves that there is something wrong with your family. You may be embarrassed by your parents' behavior toward one another. Abrupt changes in their lifestyle, such as one parent living away from you or dating, may bother you. You may also feel that your church or minister disapproves of you and your family. As tragic as divorce is, try to remember that it is not a reflection of your worth or your family's worth. (To be continued).
I can’t believe it. I don't want to talk about it. It is perfectly natural to respond to your parents' breakup as if it isn't happening or by telling yourself that they won't go through with it. Another form of denial is to idealize the absent parent or brag loudly and frequently about the breakup in order to cover your own anxiety. Or you may respond by refusing to talk about it. Denial is a normal way of coping with difficult situations, but, in the long run, denial is not healthy.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Shame and embarrassment are common responses to parents' separation or divorce. You may be too embarrassed to tell some of your closest friends about what is happening in your family. You may feel that the breakup proves that there is something wrong with your family. You may be embarrassed by your parents' behavior toward one another. Abrupt changes in their lifestyle, such as one parent living away from you or dating, may bother you. You may also feel that your church or minister disapproves of you and your family. As tragic as divorce is, try to remember that it is not a reflection of your worth or your family's worth. (To be continued).
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Divorce—A Sad Word
Divorce is one of the saddest words in the English language, especially for the children of divorcing parents. And this sadness seems to affect a lot more people these days than in previous generations. In the middle of the twentieth century, the divorce rate in the United States was about 25 percent. In the 1960s that figure began to climb to a level approaching and sometimes exceeding 50 percent. It is likely that up to half the students in your school are from homes touched by the pain of parental separation or divorce. You may be reading these words right now because you are one of those students.
Divorce is sad and painful because it chips away at the very foundation of your early life. As a defenseless infant and young child, you looked to your parents as your primary source of love and security. That's how God designed the family to function. Even with the increased independence that comes with adolescence and young adulthood, you still derive a certain degree of security from a home where both parents are present and getting along. When that security base is disrupted because of separation or divorce, it will affect you in ways that may be difficult to understand and deal with.
Divorce is sad and painful because it chips away at the very foundation of your early life. As a defenseless infant and young child, you looked to your parents as your primary source of love and security. That's how God designed the family to function. Even with the increased independence that comes with adolescence and young adulthood, you still derive a certain degree of security from a home where both parents are present and getting along. When that security base is disrupted because of separation or divorce, it will affect you in ways that may be difficult to understand and deal with.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Divorce—Comforting Others
Jenny and her husband Doug were having breakfast with 15-year-old Jessica to help her deal with her parents’ divorce. Jenny asked Jessica, "Yesterday was a tough day for you wasn’t it?" Jessica nodded, “I was there when the mail was delivered and Mom opened the divorce letter." "That must have been difficult for you," Jenny said. Jessica thought for a moment. "Mom seemed relieved that it was all over. I think that bothered me as much as seeing the divorce finalized in black and white. It hurt that she was almost glad to be rid of Dad. But he's still my dad, and I love him." Doug put his fork down. "I feel sad for you, Jessie, that your mom doesn't understand your feelings for your dad." Jessica rubbed her chin with her thumb. "Thanks, but I'm doing a lot better about things like that since we have been meeting over the last three weeks." She flashed a smile of appreciation Jenny's way. Jenny winked her acknowledgment, then she said to Doug, "I think Jessie is ready to meet Alyson. What do you think?" Doug smiled and nodded.
Jenny turned back to Jessica. “Alyson is a new seventh grader in our middle-school group. We found out last week that her parents were divorced in the spring. She moved here with her mother. Doug and I were wondering if you would like to meet Alyson and share your experience with her." Jessica felt both honored and scared at the same moment. "I don't know about that. I'm not really a counselor. I don't know my Bible that well yet." "We're not asking you to counsel Alyson," Doug said. "Just share your comfort and encouragement with her as a friend, like you're already doing with your younger brother. Tell her your story and what you are learning about getting through your parents' divorce. Can you do that?" Jessica glanced back and forth between Doug and Jenny. "Just do what I'm doing with my brother?" she said. "That's all?" The couple nodded in unison. Suddenly it sounded very simple. "Sure, I can do that," she said confidently. "When can I meet Alyson?" Doug picked up his fork. "Not until I finish my pancakes," he said with a big laugh. Jessica smiled. This was her chance to help Alyson just like Natalie had helped her. This must be what God meant when He said that we can give comfort to others with the comfort that we have received.
Jenny turned back to Jessica. “Alyson is a new seventh grader in our middle-school group. We found out last week that her parents were divorced in the spring. She moved here with her mother. Doug and I were wondering if you would like to meet Alyson and share your experience with her." Jessica felt both honored and scared at the same moment. "I don't know about that. I'm not really a counselor. I don't know my Bible that well yet." "We're not asking you to counsel Alyson," Doug said. "Just share your comfort and encouragement with her as a friend, like you're already doing with your younger brother. Tell her your story and what you are learning about getting through your parents' divorce. Can you do that?" Jessica glanced back and forth between Doug and Jenny. "Just do what I'm doing with my brother?" she said. "That's all?" The couple nodded in unison. Suddenly it sounded very simple. "Sure, I can do that," she said confidently. "When can I meet Alyson?" Doug picked up his fork. "Not until I finish my pancakes," he said with a big laugh. Jessica smiled. This was her chance to help Alyson just like Natalie had helped her. This must be what God meant when He said that we can give comfort to others with the comfort that we have received.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Divorce—It’s Partially My Fault
As soon as they sat down, Jenny asked Jessica, "How did it go this week?" Jessica shrugged. "All right, I guess. It's still hard to accept that my parents are getting a divorce. I'm glad you told me about the grieving process. I think I have been experiencing denial and a little depression this week." Jenny responded, "Some people show their denial by refusing to talk about a problem or even admitting there is a problem. Some may admit there’s a problem but deny that they are affected by it. Denial is a defense mechanism, but it usually isn't healthy. Eventually you must admit that the divorce is happening and that your life will be different because of it." Jessica nodded slowly. "I understand. I really didn’t want to believe Mom and Dad were getting a divorce but living in a dream world isn't healthy.” Jenny continued, “I wrote down a number of different feelings you might go through. Do you see any that might apply to you?” Jessica read the list, “shame, embarrassment, anger, guilt—hm, I guess I have been feeling a little guilty." Jenny encouraged Jessica to open up and share her feelings.
Jessica hesitated at the painful thought. "I think Mom and Dad's problems are partly my fault. Back when I turned thirteen, I felt pretty independent. So one night I violated my curfew— on purpose—by about a half-hour. I remember Dad shouting, “You make it very hard on your mother and me when you do things like this, Jessica. Marriage isn't easy, and your behavior doesn't make it any easier.” That's when I realized they weren't getting along very well and that I might be part of the problem." Jenny said compassionately, "It saddens me to hear that you feel responsible for your parents' breakup, and I can see how you might feel that way. But parents have to deal with life's difficulties, including disagreements with their children.” "But Dad said—" Jenny quickly interrupted. "Your dad may find it hard to accept full responsibility for his problems, but pointing to your misbehavior incorrectly shifted some of the blame away from him to you." Jessica pondered Jenny's words for a moment. "So it's not my fault after all?" "No, the breakup is not your fault and getting your parents back together is not your responsibility either.” Jessica sat back and released a long sigh. "That's kind of a relief." "It should be," Jenny said. "You don't have to feel guilty anymore."
Jenny then asked how the rest of Jessica's life was going. Jessica sheepishly admitted that she felt so bummed out that she had ignored most of her chores around the house. Jenny surprised her by dialing Natalie right then. In less than two minutes Jenny had arranged for Natalie to come over later in the day to help Jessica catch up on her work at the house. After getting past a flash of embarrassment, Jessica sensed a wave of relief. Knowing that Natalie was coming to help her seemed to lift that weight off her shoulders. The rest of the time flew by quickly, and they agreed to meet again the next Saturday to continue their chat. Jessica left that day grateful for Jenny's loving concern and practical help. She smiled and felt very hopeful for the week ahead.
Jessica hesitated at the painful thought. "I think Mom and Dad's problems are partly my fault. Back when I turned thirteen, I felt pretty independent. So one night I violated my curfew— on purpose—by about a half-hour. I remember Dad shouting, “You make it very hard on your mother and me when you do things like this, Jessica. Marriage isn't easy, and your behavior doesn't make it any easier.” That's when I realized they weren't getting along very well and that I might be part of the problem." Jenny said compassionately, "It saddens me to hear that you feel responsible for your parents' breakup, and I can see how you might feel that way. But parents have to deal with life's difficulties, including disagreements with their children.” "But Dad said—" Jenny quickly interrupted. "Your dad may find it hard to accept full responsibility for his problems, but pointing to your misbehavior incorrectly shifted some of the blame away from him to you." Jessica pondered Jenny's words for a moment. "So it's not my fault after all?" "No, the breakup is not your fault and getting your parents back together is not your responsibility either.” Jessica sat back and released a long sigh. "That's kind of a relief." "It should be," Jenny said. "You don't have to feel guilty anymore."
Jenny then asked how the rest of Jessica's life was going. Jessica sheepishly admitted that she felt so bummed out that she had ignored most of her chores around the house. Jenny surprised her by dialing Natalie right then. In less than two minutes Jenny had arranged for Natalie to come over later in the day to help Jessica catch up on her work at the house. After getting past a flash of embarrassment, Jessica sensed a wave of relief. Knowing that Natalie was coming to help her seemed to lift that weight off her shoulders. The rest of the time flew by quickly, and they agreed to meet again the next Saturday to continue their chat. Jessica left that day grateful for Jenny's loving concern and practical help. She smiled and felt very hopeful for the week ahead.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Divorce—It’s Not Fair
It took most of Friday morning for Jessica to work up the courage to call Jenny Shaw, her spiritual big sister, about her parents’ divorce. She didn't know how to start, so she just blurted out, "My parents are getting a divorce." Jenny reacted in near shock. "Oh, Jessie, no. I didn't know. This has to be very difficult for you." Jessica could hear the comfort in Jenny's voice and feel her concern through her touch. For the next twenty minutes Jessica poured out the story.
"I think Dad wants either me or Karen to live with him," she said, starting to cry, "but I don't want our family split up even more. I love Dad, but I belong with Mom and Karen and Mark. I don't know what to do." "It's okay, Jessie, go ahead and cry," Jenny said. "I know it hurts a lot. I'm so sorry. I'm here. Let it all out." With Jenny's encouragement, Jessica let herself go and sobbed. It was the first time she had cried about her parents' breakup. The burst of tears had seemingly unlocked the gates to her emotions. "Why did Dad and Mom have to do this to us?" she demanded angrily. "It's not right. It's not fair, especially to Mark." The thought of her brother suffering in silence brought another brief surge of tears. Jenny just held her and spoke reassuringly. "It hurts me that you have to go through this, Jessie, because I really care for you. But we can get through it together. I'm going to be here for you." Then she prayed the sweetest prayer that made Jessica feel that Jenny really was her older sister.
In a few minutes they were dabbing their eyes, blowing their noses and even joking a little about how they must look to anyone glancing their way. Then Jenny was serious again. "Jessie, a divorce is a lot like the death of a loved one. There are stages of grief that you go through and may experience as your parents' marriage dies.” "I guess it makes sense, but I don't even know what the stages of grief are." Jenny spent the next few minutes describing the stages of grief Jessica might encounter in the coming weeks. The explanation was enlightening and Jessica recognized that she was already "grieving" her parents' divorce in certain ways.
Then Jenny said, "Would it be okay if we meet again—maybe a few times—to talk about how to process your feelings about the divorce and get through the stages of grief?" "Sure, if you're willing," Jessica smiled. Jenny decided to meet the next two Saturday mornings for breakfast. For the first time since her parents' separation three months ago, Jessica did not feel alone in her pain and sadness.
"I think Dad wants either me or Karen to live with him," she said, starting to cry, "but I don't want our family split up even more. I love Dad, but I belong with Mom and Karen and Mark. I don't know what to do." "It's okay, Jessie, go ahead and cry," Jenny said. "I know it hurts a lot. I'm so sorry. I'm here. Let it all out." With Jenny's encouragement, Jessica let herself go and sobbed. It was the first time she had cried about her parents' breakup. The burst of tears had seemingly unlocked the gates to her emotions. "Why did Dad and Mom have to do this to us?" she demanded angrily. "It's not right. It's not fair, especially to Mark." The thought of her brother suffering in silence brought another brief surge of tears. Jenny just held her and spoke reassuringly. "It hurts me that you have to go through this, Jessie, because I really care for you. But we can get through it together. I'm going to be here for you." Then she prayed the sweetest prayer that made Jessica feel that Jenny really was her older sister.
In a few minutes they were dabbing their eyes, blowing their noses and even joking a little about how they must look to anyone glancing their way. Then Jenny was serious again. "Jessie, a divorce is a lot like the death of a loved one. There are stages of grief that you go through and may experience as your parents' marriage dies.” "I guess it makes sense, but I don't even know what the stages of grief are." Jenny spent the next few minutes describing the stages of grief Jessica might encounter in the coming weeks. The explanation was enlightening and Jessica recognized that she was already "grieving" her parents' divorce in certain ways.
Then Jenny said, "Would it be okay if we meet again—maybe a few times—to talk about how to process your feelings about the divorce and get through the stages of grief?" "Sure, if you're willing," Jessica smiled. Jenny decided to meet the next two Saturday mornings for breakfast. For the first time since her parents' separation three months ago, Jessica did not feel alone in her pain and sadness.
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