Rebellion: A Lack of Relationship

Rebellion, rather it be active resistance or passive indifference, is a reaction generally caused by a lack of relationship. Counselors see again and again how the rebellious child in question is reacting to poor relationships, both between the parents and child, and between the parents themselves. One marriage and family counselor estimates that in as many as 95 percent of cases with a rebellious child, the parents also need marriage counseling. He reports that amazing results in the children’s behavior take place once the parents get their act together.

Imposing rules on a young person will not work if a positive relationship has not been established between him and the one making the rules. The child will rebel against authority since he is not convinced the authority figures have his best interest at heart. To counter the rebellion, parents often lay down even more rules. It becomes a battle with parents and children pitted against each other, rather than working together toward understanding.

Sex is Not the Unforgivable Sin

Along with the necessary information about sex, parents must convey that premarital sex is not the unforgivable sin. Even kids from Christian homes make wrong choices about sex. These kids need to know they can turn to their parents. They need to hear their parents say, “No matter what you’ve done or what you do, we love you and will never turn our backs on you. Nothing you have done wrong is beyond repair. We will help you through any trouble. We are here for you to turn to. Talk to us.”

As the influence of Christianity diminishes in our society and families, the devastating results will continue to show up in our kids. Without direction, they clutch at false securities. Without the solid self-image of a child of God, they grab at anything to make them feel a little better about themselves. Without knowledge of God and His love, they settle for anything that resembles love, even if they are exploited and hurt by it. Without the Word of God taught in the family and the love of God shown in the family, kids are adrift. They have no basis on which to make decisions. They have no security.

Modeling Love

The biblical picture of love is one of giving without expecting anything in return, accepting another person without conditions, and experiencing a security in the relationship that is not dependent on performance. This is a far cry from the shallow and self-centered type on the market today. And it is in the home where this love must be modeled. One of the greatest heritages I can leave for my children is to love their mother—to give my children a model of what it means for a man to love a woman. God intended that children learn this from their mother and father.

For example, when a young man says to one of my daughters, “I love you,” how is she supposed to know what that means? By watching television? By watching a movie or a video? No! God intended for my daughter to know what it means for a man to love her because she has seen me model that love toward her mother. That is the heritage I want to leave my children.

Performance-Based Sex

Children can grow up desiring to love their parents, but still not feel secure in the relationship. Often in order to get the love of their parents, they fall into the “flight syndrome.” That is, they put themselves on a performance basis for their parents’ love, and when they do something they think won’t be pleasing, they cover it up. They run from honesty. They are afraid that their shortcoming will lead to rejection.

This can happen when well-meaning children try to please Mom and Dad, but it has a stifling effect. Open communication is blocked when the children think that honesty will lead to parental disappointment. They may cease trying new things for fear of failure. They may stop taking risks to stretch their horizons. These kids then enter their teenage years equating love and performance. When they say, “If you love me, you’ll have sex with me,” they are only keeping in line with their own distorted definition of performance-based love.

Learning to Love

Since love is learned from role models, the family is the most important influence on how a child perceives love (followed by peers and society in general). When parents are to an appreciable degree acting out the imagery of God, displaying to a perceptible extent the attributes of Christian love, children will grow up learning that love.

Children in such homes grow up learning to be accepted and appreciated, which leads them to a feeling of security and significance. These children, in turn, will respond to that love in obedience to the parents’ authority, and will begin internalizing the principles taught by the parents.

This is why the destruction of the family is so devastating. Children grow up learning from their parents that love means “Get what you can from the other person, and when that person doesn’t perform properly, get out of the relationship.” Such is the feeling of “love” that many kids today are confusing with sex.

Start Talking about Premarital Sex

Kids don’t want to discuss something they feel guilty about, because they don’t want to let their parents down. Nor do they want their parents to add to their guilt. They want their parents to be happy with them, yet the actions that led to the guilt may have resulted in part from a lack of instruction from Mom and Dad. But the objective here is not to find someone to blame. The objective is to bring about understanding, and thereby, change. It’s a change that must overcome the traditional inhibitions most of us in the older generation have about discussing sex.

Kids really want to find the answers they need—at home. What often turns them off is that parents jump to conclusions or over-lecture instead of really listening to what their teens are trying to say or ask. If parents show an interest in their children when they are young, the kids will show an interest in their parents later. Good communication with teenagers and younger children requires a lot of time and thought, but it is the start of a lifelong family relationship. The right time to start talking to your children is now—it’s never too late to start.

Ready or Not, Sex Education Starts at Home

Sex education begins at home, whether parents are aware of it or not. When sex is honestly discussed, the home becomes a source of both objective facts and moral understanding. When sex is a taboo subject, kids discern that it is something mysterious and forbidden, and therefore something probably worth exploring. As one researcher noted, “Parents are a child’s earliest models of sexuality and authority; they communicate with their children about sex and sexual values indirectly and nonverbally.”

Teenagers need to know that the changes in their bodies and the changing emotions that accompany them are normal. They need to know that their increased sexual awareness is also normal. This is especially important among Christians. The church also must be involved in the education of its young members. Teenagers are going to find out one way or another how their bodies work, and when parents and the church deny kids the information they so vitally need, they set their young people up for trouble.

Kids in Need of Instruction about Sex

When there is a love famine in the home, positive, nurturing communication suffers. As a result, adolescents lack parental instruction about sex. They must gain their sexual education elsewhere, through self-discovery, peers or the media. As a result, sex education is at best incomplete and at worst erroneous.

A couple of students summarized the situation this way:

Teenagers are ignorant about what they are doing. All they know is that they were made with certain body parts, so they might as well find out what they’re used for. Sort of like test-driving a car just to see how well it performs.

Lack of accurate information about sex, although less of a problem than in our parents’ adolescence, is still quite common, and young people often don’t realize how far they are going. Before they know it, they have an unexpected pregnancy on their hands. It must be pointed out that some parents are much to blame since they have not informed their children on the topic of sex, either because they are too embarrassed to discuss it, are irresponsible or are ignorant themselves.

Need I say more?

What can I do about Premarital Sex?

If there was something you could do to prevent your son or daughter, or the young people in your church or school, from experiencing the pain and heartache that accompanies premarital sex, would you do it? I can’t imagine anyone answering that question in the negative. Any parent, pastor or teacher with any compassion at all would jump at the chance to save his or her kids from pain.

There is something you can do, and it is within your reach. I often say it this way: One of the best things you can do for your kids is to love your spouse. You can combat the love famine in your child’s life by purposely modeling love in your relationship with your husband or wife. Make your marriage a growing example of a loving relationship. Let your respect, kindness, faithfulness and friendship show in how you talk to each other, care for each other and even disagree with each other. Then determine to demonstrate that same quality of love toward the young people under your care. It will make all the difference in the world.

The Road to Premarital Sex

Broken homes can lead to premarital sex in at least four ways. One is the lack of value structure that results from such a family. Children are taught to say, “I’m sorry,” to put things back where they got them, to be polite, to be nice to their little sisters. Yet Mom and Dad are unforgiving, unaccepting and mean to each other. Without adult role models, the concepts of right and wrong disappear.

A broken home also can lead to premarital sex due to the fact that the influence and pressure from peers becomes stronger than that in the home. The closeness and sharing that should take place in the family is sought elsewhere. Another reason is lack of security at home which can motivate a teenager to look for intimacy in irrational ways. Physical closeness will not provide true intimacy, but it gives a temporary and sensory substitute for security.

A fourth reason is the effect of divorce on the child’s self-image. Children of divorced parents not only feel rejected by the parents, but they also usually hold themselves accountable for the divorce, as though their actions caused it. The feelings of rejection and guilt may cause a teenager to seek a boost in his or her self-image through sex. Sex allows that teen to feel important and attractive to someone.

Broken Home, Broken Kids

A Chinese proverb says, “In the broken nest there are no whole eggs.” What a provocative summary of the negative impact of divorce. The U.S. Census Bureau gives the following statistics regarding the increase of divorce in our culture:

· In 1900, one divorce for every 10 marriages.
· In 1920, one divorce for every seven marriages.
· In 1940, one divorce for every six marriages.
· In 1960, one divorce for every four marriages.
· In 1972, one divorce for every three marriages.
· In 1976, one divorce for every two marriages.

And the divorce rate today is still approximately one in every two marriages. God the Father is the model for earthly fathers. This is the design, yet it has all but disappeared from American society in the last two decades. We are seeing many results of this in our kids, one of the results being early sexual involvement.

Mary is a seventeen-year-old with two younger brothers and a married sister. Her parents have been divorced for almost a year. Mary and her brothers have been living with their mother, who works outside the home all day. Mary’s boyfriend is the dream of every girl. Erick is a senior and a very popular football player. He has been Mary’s only source of comfort for months now and he asks her to have sex. She consents out of her own loneliness for her father and her fear of being rejected again.