Divorce

I counseled a young woman whose parents were divorced when she was sixteen. She said, “If I had been a better cook, my father would never have divorced my mother.” As a teenager, because her mother worked outside the home, it was Debbie’s responsibility to keep the house clean and prepare the evening meals. Her father often complained about her cooking. Then one night this man, whom she loved and admired more than anyone on the face of the earth, packed his bags and left. Seven years later, Debbie remains convinced—no matter what anyone tells her—that “my father divorced my mother because I was a lousy cook.” Her cooking had nothing to do with the divorce of her parents. But regardless of how many counselors she may see (she’s now with her fifth psychologist), Debbie continues to go through life blaming herself.

After I had spoken at a conference, a woman came to me asking for my help. She told me that two weeks earlier her husband had served divorce papers on her. That afternoon, as she was driving to the conference with her fourteen-year-old son, the boy said to her, “Mom, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Forgive me!” Then he began crying. When she asked what he was sorry about, he answered, “I’m sorry for making Dad divorce you.” The woman assured him that the breakup was not his fault. But he kept insisting, “Yes, it is my fault.” When she asked why, he answered, “If I hadn’t loved soccer so much, he would never have left you.” I see it all the time. Young people feel responsible for their parents’ divorce.

Divorce—It’s Never Over

Last time I said that I believe that divorce has a greater negative impact on a child than the death of a parent. To continue, a second reason I think it is more difficult to lose a parent through divorce than through death is the lack of finality. When a parent dies, it is painful, but the child eventually realizes Mom or Dad is gone and experiences a measure of closure. After a period of mourning, he goes on with his life.

But there is no finality with divorce. It isn’t over in the lives of the kids when the papers are signed. There is no mourning period after which he picks up the pieces, goes on with his life, and begins the healing process. The reality of divorce is that it returns every holiday, every summer vacation, and—for many youngsters—every weekend. The pain of separation goes on and on. Christmas with Mom, New Year’s with Dad, Easter dinner at Dad’s house, Thanksgiving dinner at Mom’s, spring break with one parent and summer vacation with the other. There’s no end to it.

A Fate Worse than Death

I believe that divorce has a greater negative impact on a child than the death of a parent. When children lose a parent through death, they usually will not feel personally responsible. But when they lose a parent through divorce, they often blame themselves, even though in most cases they had nothing to do with it. Almost every child of divorce goes through life carrying that heavy load of guilt that sounds like this: “Mom and Dad split up, and it’s my fault.”

A boy of ten said to me in all seriousness, “If I had kept my room clean, my dad wouldn’t have left my mother.” I asked him what he meant. He said his dad used to complain (as I think most dads do) that his room was always messy. Then one day his dad and mother separated and the boy assumed it was his fault. I’m afraid this boy will go through high school, college and into a career believing he was personally responsible for the breakup of his parents’ marriage. What a terrible burden to carry!

Broken Families

Divorce—the fear that it will happen to their parents, or the pain of a family already shattered by it—is another key reason young people reach out for sex as a substitute for the warmth of parental love. I learned about this fear first hand many years ago.

One day, when my now married son, Sean, was only six years old, he came home from school a little bummed out. I asked what was wrong. I said, “Come on, share with me what you’re feeling.” He hesitated, and then asked, “Daddy, are you going to leave Mommy?” I said, “What makes you ask that?” Three of his friends’ dads had just divorced their mothers, and he was afraid I might do the same. I looked him in the eye and said, “I love your mother very much. I’m committed to her, and I’ll never leave her. Period.”

That little six-year-old heaved a big sigh of relief. He just needed the security that comes from knowing that his mother and I love each other and are committed to a permanent relationship. Like all young people today, Sean needed to be part of a lasting relationship.

Searching for a Father’s Love (continued)

Inattentive mothers are one reason that kids get involved in premarital sex, and they undoubtedly have a damaging effect on their children. But I think that we men must shoulder much of the blame for our teens being where they are. When we come home tired, it is easy to neglect our children. What we men need to realize is how important it is to our children that we have a close, loving relationship with them. Mothers can’t do the job of loving our children alone.

I held a one-week youth conference at the largest (and one of the wealthiest) evangelical churches in our country. I had counseling appointments with forty-two junior and senior high school students. Their number one question was, “Josh, what can I do about my dad?” When I asked what they meant, they made statements like, “He never has time for me”; “He never takes me anywhere”; “He never talks to me”; “He never does anything with me.” I asked all forty-two of them, “Can you talk with your father?” Only one said yes. I also asked all the girls, “If you got pregnant, could you go right to your father and share this with him?” Most of them didn’t feel they could. That’s heartbreaking, isn’t it?

Searching for a Father’s Love (continued)

Here are two more letters from kids that touched me deeply:

My name is Jennifer. I am fifteen years old. I watch your show every time I can. Thank you so much for just caring. I know you have never met me, but it’s almost like you’re the daddy I never had. You see, my real dad left me and my mom when I was a baby, and when I was just three years old my step-dad left. Neither one of them would fall under the name “father.”
The other night you said that most kids don’t want to have sex, they just want someone to care. That is so true! I have almost fallen into the “sex trap” because I just wanted a man to love me.

In Birmingham, when I shook hands with you and gave you the letter, and you gave me a “peck” on the cheek, I must say, it made me feel “loved.” A peck on the cheek is a “fatherly” expression. I’ve never had a kiss! I wish I’d had a father to phone me and say, “I love you, honey.”

Perhaps some of you fathers are feeling that I’m being unfair. “I thought you said the problem was inattentive parents. You seem to be focusing only on fathers. What about inattentive mothers?” (To be continued).

Searching for a Father’s Love

I receive letters from kids like this all the time. Here are two of them that touched me deeply: I will share two more in the next blog.

I realize that you don’t know me and I’m only a face in a crowd of teenagers. Why don’t I have a father like you? You made me cry today when, in my high school assembly, you talked about your relationship with your daughter and how you show her you love her. I never cry. You learn not to in my family. All I want is a chance. I wish I had a father. I wish someone loved me like you love your family. You don’t know how badly I want to understand things, how much I want a chance to. And it may sound stupid, but if someone would hold me just for a minute—no strings, no games—well, I can’t really explain it.

I am fifteen years old. I’m one of those teenagers that is in search of their father’s love. Could you please pray for me, and also for my dad and mom? Just pray that they will see that teens do spell love T-I-M-E. I wish so much that my daddy would do half the things with me that you’ve done with yours. He hasn’t done anything since I was about five. And I’ve really needed it, the past eight years especially.

(To be continued)

Parental Modeling

I often am asked to give one single reason why kids get involved in premarital sex. Of course I always reply that there are many reasons. However, if I had to narrow it down to just one reason, it would be this: inattentive parents. Parental inattentiveness creates a love famine that affects both parents and children. It also creates a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle in which parents who are starved for love raise children who are even hungrier for love. The results are devastating.

On the other hand, a healthy home environment makes a significant difference in the health of American youth. When teens feel connected to their families and when parents are involved in their children’s lives, teens are protected. When parents are more frequently present in the home at key times of day, adolescents are less likely to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, smoke marijuana, engage in premarital sex or participate in other destructive behaviors. One of the greatest things parents can do for their children is to love one another and let their children know it.

Starved for Real Love

Our kids are starving for genuine parental love. That’s why so many of them search out or fall into sexual relationships at a young age. They don’t know how to love because they have not seen love modeled, so they settle for sex, which the media portrays as love.

What happens when parents pay little or no attention to their children? What happens when work stress is allowed to pollute relationships at home? What happens when adult role models are gone or absent from the home? Our Judeo-Christian values are not communicated effectively, if at all. Children and young people are left starved for love.

Where teenage premarital sex is concerned, the only foolproof solution is prevention. This begins with parents spending time with their children long before hormones, peers and the media begin pressuring them about sex.

Kids Looking for Love

God intended for kids to learn to love in the home by seeing both parents first love each other and then love them unconditionally. When young people learn love at home, they won’t have to go out looking for it in the back seat of car. According to Sarah Brown, director of the Washington, D.C.-based National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, “We know from studies that close relationships between parents and their children over many years reduce sexual risks.”

When loving relationships in the home break down and the parental model of love ceases to function, children grow up ignorant of how to give or receive love. For these children, developing close, intimate relationships may be impossible. Despite a desperate need for love, young people who grow up experiencing a love famine at home are afraid they will never find it. So they often settle for a cheap imitation: a sexual experience that will only make their pain and hunger for love worse.

Kids in Need of Love, Modeling, and Attention

Young people are adrift in their sexual beliefs, convictions and behavior because they don’t know how to love. Learning to love is not something that happens automatically. We don’t just grow up, reach puberty and find that all of a sudden we know how to love. I’m not talking about sex here; I’m talking about the essence of love—caring, transparency, vulnerability, and intimacy.

Love is not primarily a feeling; love is first and foremost an action. Paul makes that clear in 1 Corinthians 13. Telling someone, “I love you” has no meaning if it is not supported by loving actions. We can’t teach love to our kids. Love is not a lecture class; it’s a lab course. Young people learn to love by seeing love modeled, experiencing love from others, and replicating the example. Love is learned by responding to its expression.

A “LOVE FAMINE” AT HOME

Students at certain universities are not known for their benevolence toward visiting speakers, especially those with conservative and/or Christian views. As I waited my turn to speak at the outdoor free speech platform of one of these schools, I felt butterflies in my stomach. What I say had better be right on or it would be shoved back down my throat. If the students were not interested in my topic or how I developed it, they would simply ignore me.

As I stepped up to speak, the crowd was noisy and not particularly hospitable. There was no public address system so I had to rely on old-fashioned lung power to be heard. I had only a few seconds to grab their attention. The butterflies were still there as I began. “Almost every one of you has two fears. First, you are afraid you will never be loved. Second, you are afraid you will never be able to love.”

The noise suddenly evaporated and everyone turned in my direction, suddenly eager to hear where I was going with my bold opening. I wasn’t surprised, because I knew my statement would strike a nerve. Most students readily identify with these two deep fears. Psychologists believe that this “love famine” is one reason many young men and women get involved in premarital sex.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense

The number one barrier we can erect against the influence of the negative media is an emotional attachment, a loving bond and an intimate connection with our children. From this positive relationship you may then discuss the issue of the impact of media in their lives in your home. This is much more effective than categorically blasting the media and forbidding your children from movies, TV or the internet. Such a response is often an attempt to compensate for the lack of a close family relationship.

When our young people immerse themselves in the media and allow sexually-charged images and sounds to fan the flames of adolescent hormones, there is often a deeper reason for it. Kids are looking for something to satisfy their deep, God-instilled needs: love, acceptance, approval, affirmation, intimacy, to name but a few. And when those needs go unmet in home, church and school, adolescents intensify the search in other, less healthy areas. Those who should be part of the solution in a child’s life are often a large part of the problem.

Without Thinking

In a way, the amusement we seek in the media (by the way, the word “amusement” literally means “without thinking”) is a denial of God’s creation of us. We are created in His image: intelligent, clever and able to reason. By replacing mental nourishment with mental chewing gum, we turn our backs on one of the major elements that sets us apart from animals. When that mental sedative fills us with sexual suggestions and images, we associate sex with amusement.

From there, it is a simple step to seek out sex as a form of amusing escape, a sensory entertainment. Teenagers are doubly susceptible to this, because of the hormonal and emotional upheavals they are going through. Without the knowledge of right and wrong, without standards, without the Holy Spirit to fill the void, young people are open to the quickest counterfeit escape our society can provide.