We Will Get Through This

After a few moments of silence, Kevin began to describe how much he hurt about his parents splitting up about the same time his friend had died. He said he had a stomachache almost all the time and that he just wanted to sleep. Since he was unable to concentrate, his grades had suffered terribly. Kevin didn't think that he would ever catch up in school, nor did he feel it was worth trying.

Kevin also spoke about feeling rejected by his brothers and the loneliness of being without his friends. "I know it's tough," Sean assured him. "But we're friends, and we'll get through all this." Then Sean prayed a simple prayer for Kevin just loud enough for God and his friend to hear. After comforting Kevin for a little while Sean said, “Why don’t we skate to the end of the path and eat?” “Okay,” Kevin responded. As they skated, Sean thanked God silently for the opportunity to comfort his friend.

Later, while eating some chips Sean said, "I want to know what's happening with you and school.” Kevin said, "Even the world's fastest computer couldn't dig me out of this hole." He went on to explain that he was failing in biology and American lit, and barely hovering above failure in three other classes. He had missed a number of homework assignments which had left him unprepared for several exams he had either failed or nearly failed. Sean listened intently. Then he said, "Maybe we can't pull all your grades up to As or Bs. But I'll bet we can pull most of them up to Cs. At least you'll pass. How does that sound?" "You guys would be willing to cheat for me?" Kevin asked. "I'm not talking about doing your work for you," Sean explained. “I do pretty well in the lit and history areas, so I can help you there. Rachel DeWitt is a math and science expert, so she could probably help you catch up in biology. What do you think?" "Rachel's cool. I like her," Kevin responded. "Nobody's offered to help me like this, not even my parents - at least, not since Tim died. I've pretty much felt like I was in it alone-you know, sink or swim, get with the program or get out of the way.” "Well, it's not like that anymore, Kevin," Sean assured him. “I want to help. I know others in the youth group do too, including Doug and Jenny. Is that okay with you?" Kevin smiled. "Yeah," he said at last, "that's okay with me. Thanks ... friend." Kevin seemed happier and more animated during the skate back home.

I’m Just a Waste of Space

It seemed to take forever for Sean to find something Kevin would do with him. But when Sean suggested that they speed skate the paved path along the river, Kevin showed a spark of interest. So Sean arrived at Kevin's house at 10:00 on a sunny Saturday morning to get him out of bed and help him find his roller blades and kneepads in the garage. Following Kevin, Sean prayed that God would increase his compassion for his friend and give him words that would help unlock Kevin's disturbing behavior. Reaching the halfway point, Sean suggested that they take a break near the river and sip some water. Kevin quickly agreed.

Encouraged by his talk with Doug and Jenny, Sean decided to break the ice. "You've seemed a little quiet and a little down. Is everything all right?" "You don't have to get involved. You have your own problems to deal with. You don't need to hear about mine." "Kev, we're friends." Sean prayed silently for his friend. Kevin released a sharp sigh. Sean could see the pain in his face. "I'm just a waste of space on this planet, and I'm so tired of being in the way." The words sent a chill down Sean's spine. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what's the point? My parents hate each other, and they can't stand me. My brothers think I'm a pest. I'm screwing up in all my classes. My best friend Tim was killed, and my friends don't want to hang out with me - except for you." "You really miss Tim, don't you?" Sean said. "I'm so sad that you feel alone. And I didn't realize school was difficult for you right now. I'm so sorry, Kevin."

Sean jabbed his elbow at his friend. "You are not a waste of space," he insisted. "You are a child of God. You are a guy with really great gifts. Whenever you feel like a waste of space, you just call me, and I'll remind you how good you are. And there is nothing happening in your life that you and I and the Lord can't get through together. Remember, God loves you, and I think you're okay too, except you're such a lousy skater." Kevin chuckled under his breath as he placed his hand on Sean's shoulder. "Thanks, man," Kevin said, almost in a whisper. (To be continued.)

Christians Not Exempt from Suicide

Doug asked, "Sean, do you know if Kevin has ever attempted suicide before or actually said he wants to commit suicide?" “He has never said anything like that to me,” Sean responded. Jenny then asked, "Do you know what to do if he attempts suicide when you are around?" Sean said soberly. "I would get him to an emergency room right away.” The flashback was chillingly clear. One moment Sean was gulping down pills, the next he was in the emergency room with a tube down his throat. His mom and Doug and Jenny were there too, crying and praying. “And if Kevin threatens suicide or if you find a suicide note," Jenny continued, "do you know what to do?" Sean responded, "Call for help right away. Kevin is my friend, I'll do anything I can to help him. After all, someone loved me enough to help me. But I don't want to wait until the last minute to help him. So what can I do?"

Jenny responded, "Doug and I learned that kids are kids, whether they are Christians or not. One thousand teenage students attempt suicide every day in our country, eighteen actually succeed. Lots of kids suffer from stress, unfulfilled needs and loneliness. Some kids live in families scarred by separation, divorce and rejection. Some experience clinical depression. Others feel trapped in seemingly hopeless situations and are looking for an easy way out. Many kids today are seriously starved for attention, and they will try anything to get it - even suicide. Doug and I have learned to watch for the warning signs and to treat the cause, not just the symptoms."

"That's what I want to do for Kevin," Sean insisted. "Will you help me?" Jenny and Doug were glad that Sean had talked to them and shared a few key concepts with Sean as they finished their hamburgers. That night Sean lay awake thinking about what Doug and Jenny had said. He prayed hard that Kevin would not try anything foolish before he was able to show his friend how much he cared for him.

My Friend is Struggling with Thoughts of Suicide

Doug and Jenny Shaw were leading a youth group trying to earn money for summer church camp. After a car wash, Sean, a high school senior, approached them. "I need to talk to you two about something" Sean said soberly. "I'm worried about my friend Kevin and wonder if he has thought about suicide." Jenny reached across the table and touched his arm. "This must be difficult for you, Sean. I'm sorry you have to deal with this issue again after what you have been through." Sean felt a lump in his throat. He remembered all too clearly his bout with depression two years earlier that pushed him to gulp down a fistful of sleeping pills. But Doug and Jenny had been there to help him through. Sean would be forever grateful for the love and concern this couple had shown in his darkest hour.

Doug spoke next. "What else is Kevin doing that makes you suspect he may have thought about suicide?" "Some things that are painfully familiar. Kevin seems tired all the time - he has no energy. If I call him at noon on a Saturday, he's still in bed. Even when I talk him into coming over, he just wants to flop in a corner and go to sleep. He’s also getting into black stuff - clothes, leather, jewelry - and talking like he's fascinated with death. He's been real moody too - angry one minute, silent the next. And the thing that really bothers me is that Kevin has been giving stuff away - even some great stuff, like his mountain bike. He doesn't seem to care about anything. It's like he's not planning to stay around much longer." Doug and Jenny were immediately concerned. Sean exhaled a brief sigh of relief that he had shared his concerns—even if it turned out that Kevin was okay. (To be continued.)

Divorce—It Takes Time

One of your best allies for dealing with the separation or divorce of your parents is time. The old proverb, "Time heals all wounds," contains a nugget of truth. The Bible says it this way: "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Ps. 30:5). Accept the fact that it will take time for you to get over the tragedy in your family. You need time to process the jumble of feelings and thoughts. You need time to talk out your feelings with mature, compassionate Christian friends and leaders. As the weeks pass, your sorrow will diminish and your life will return to a fairly normal pattern. Give time a chance to work for you by not expect­ing the pain and confusion to go away too soon.

The pain of your parents' divorce may be so great right now that you wonder if you will ever get back to normal. Keep these keys in mind as you trust God to get you through this difficult experience:

Let your sorrow be expressed. God designed your emotions to help you vent your disappoint­ment, anger and sorrow. Don't stuff your feel­ings inside. Let them out so your heart can start healing.

Allow others to comfort you, support you and encourage you. God's design for healing your heart includes involving other people. Let loving family members and friends comfort you, encourage you and care for you in practical ways.

Give yourself time to grieve. Moving through the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance—may take weeks or months. Be assured that, as time passes, things will get better.

Allow God to use you to comfort, support and encourage others. Your experience of receiving comfort from others has uniquely equipped you to help others in sorrow. It may take time, but you will have an opportunity to pass along com­fort, support, and encouragement to someone else who is struggling with separation or divorce in his or her family.

Divorce and Encouragement

In the process of mourning a divorce or other painful situa­tion, you have three significant needs that can be met by spiritual leaders and Christian friends: comfort, support and encouragement. It is important to be aware of these needs and to allow others to meet them. See blog #35 for comfort. See blog #36 for support.

You need encouragement. In addition to com­fort and support, you need the encouragement of others. You receive encouragement when some­one does something thoughtful to lift your spirits like calling, emailing, praying or checking on someone. Encouraging deeds like these may not seem as practical as someone help­ing out with chores, but they are just as necessary.

If you do not receive the encour­agement you need, ask for it. It's okay to tell someone who cares about you, "I need a hug" or "I just need you to be with me for a while." The comfort, support and encouragement of people who love you will make a significant difference in how you get through the pain of your parents' breakup.

Divorce and Support

In the process of mourning a divorce or other painful situa­tion, you have three significant needs that can be met by spiritual leaders and Christian friends: comfort, support and encouragement. It is important to be aware of these needs and to allow others to meet them. See blog #35 for comfort.

You need support. You need more than comfort to get through the pain of your parents' divorce. You also need support. What's the dif­ference between comfort and support? People supply the comfort you need when they share your sorrow emotionally. People supply the sup­port you need by helping you during this time in practical, helpful ways with the necessary day-to-day tasks of life that go on even during difficult and painful cir­cumstances. Obey Galatians 6:2: "Carry each other's bur­dens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

You may be tempted to ignore or to refuse the support offered by others. You may feel that you can handle it yourself or you may not want others to be bothered with things you normally do for yourself. Resist that temptation. God put Galatians 6:2 in the Bible because He knows there are times we should rely on the support of others. Let other people do things for you and be grateful for their help.

What if you have a need and nobody steps up to offer help? Ask for it. There is nothing wrong with telling a trusted friend, a youth leader or your minister about your need and asking for help. In most cases, people are more than willing to help out; they just don't know what needs to be done. Feel free to help people support you at this time by letting them know what you need.

Divorce and Comfort

In the process of mourning a divorce or other painful situa­tion, you have three significant needs that can be met by spiritual leaders and Christian friends: comfort, support and encouragement. It is important to be aware of these needs and to allow others to meet them.

You need comfort. Your greatest need as you first become aware of your parents' separation or divorce is for others to comfort you. In a time of pain and sorrow, our greatest comfort comes when others sorrow with us. One major way God shares His comfort with us is through other peo­ple. The apostle Paul wrote, "God ... comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Cor. 1:3-4).

What is comfort? Maybe it will help to see first what comfort is not. Comfort is not a "pep talk" urging you to hang in there, tough it out or hold it together. Comfort is not an attempt to explain why bad things happen to people. Comfort is not a bunch of positive words about God being in control and everything being okay. All of these things may be good and useful in time, but they do not fill our primary need for comfort.

People comfort us primarily by feeling our hurt and sorrowing with us. Paul instructed us, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Rom. 12:15). We receive comfort when we know we are not suffering alone. When you experience sor­row, people may try to comfort you by cheering you up, urging you to be strong, or trying to explain away the tragic event. These people no doubt care about you and mean well by their words. But they may not know what comfort sounds like. Jesus illustrated the ministry of comfort when His friend Lazarus died (see John 11). When Jesus arrived at the home of Lazarus's sisters, Mary and Martha, He wept with them (see vv. 33-35). His response is especially interesting in light of what He did next: raise Lazarus from the dead (see vv. 38-44). Why didn't Jesus simply tell the grieving Mary and Martha, "No need to cry, My friends, because in a few minutes Lazarus will be alive again"? Because at that moment they needed someone to identify with their hurt. Jesus met Mary's and Martha's need for comfort by sharing in their sorrow and tears. Later He performed the miracle that turned their sorrow to joy.

Grief—Depression and Acceptance

Grief is a common process most people go through after such sad events. The grieving process, which may continue for several weeks or months, has five clearly identifiable stages. The first stage is denial. The second stage is anger. The third stage is bargaining. The final steps are:

Depression. The depression stage may come when you realize that the divorce is really going to happen. It's the feeling of over­whelming sadness or hopelessness over the loss. Depression may be accompanied by fear, anxi­ety or insecurity about living without one of your parents being there. Loneliness is another facet of depression.

The final stage of grief is acceptance. As time goes by and the other stages of grief diminish, you will be able to accept the reality of the divorce and begin to deal with it constructively. Even as this stage becomes dominant, you may still experience pangs of denial, anger, and depression. But they will be minimal compared to the more positive sense that God is working out your experience for good (see Rom. 8:28).

In some cases it takes many weeks to success­fully navigate all five stages of grief. Some of the emotions and thoughts that you experience dur­ing this time may be new to you or stronger than ever before in your life. You may wonder whether there is something wrong with you for reacting in these ways. There is not. You are going through a common response to a very sad event in your life.

The only real danger as you move through the five stages of grief is to avoid expressing your feelings in inappropriate or unhealthy ways. For example, if depression causes you to want to attempt suicide, this would be responding to grief in an improper and unhealthy way. It is wise not to respond impulsively to any of the strong emotions you encounter as you move through the stages of grief. A youth leader, minister or other trusted friend can help you navigate the stages successfully.

Grief—Denial, Anger, Bargaining

Grief is a common process most people go through after such sad events. The grieving process, which may continue for several weeks or months, has five clearly identifiable stages:

One of the first responses to grief is denial. You may find yourself at times unwilling to believe that such a terrible thing is happening to you. Jessica displayed this response when she retreated to her room and refused to talk about what was happening at home. One of the ways your mind and emotions will try to handle the shock of your grief is to say, "No way, this is not happening to me."

A second stage in responding to grief is anger. When grappling with the inevitable ques­tion "Why did this happen?" you may find your­self lashing out angrily because there is no reasonable answer to that question. You have lost a large measure of your personal security, and it seems terribly unfair. Like Jessica's sister, Karen, your anger may be vented at one or both of your parents for going through with the divorce. Or like Jessica, your anger may be at the divorce itself more than at the participants. Your anger may even be directed at yourself because you suspect that you were somehow to blame for what happened.

A third stage of grief is bargaining with God for relief from the awful event and its conse­quences. You may find yourself secretly trying to cut a deal with God, vowing to change your behavior if He will bring your parents back together. Jessica may be motivated to bargain with God by her sense of false guilt over not being a better child, which she fears has caused the breakup in some way. You may be prompted to try to cut a deal with God both to reunite your parents and to make up for perceived failures. (To be continued).

Divorce—Grieving the Loss

You may recognize a number of emotions as a result of the separation or divorce of your parents. You may feel terribly sad, depressed, hopeless, abandoned, frightened and even angry because of what happened. You may cry as you have never cried in your life. You may feel emotionally drained and exhausted. And you may get intensely angry at the situation, at one or both of your parents or even at God for allowing it to happen. It is important to understand that these feelings are normal and natural. It is the way God wired you. Your emotions are a built-in release valve to help you handle the deep inner pain.

Don’t bottle up your feelings. Let the grief flow out. It’s okay for someone to hurt and cry with you. This response reflects Jesus' words in Matthew 5:4: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Mourning is the process of getting the hurt out. You share how sad you feel so oth­ers can share your pain and hurt with you. This is God's design for blessing you and beginning to heal the pain that accompanies the divorce of your parents.

A divorce can be seen as the death of a mar­riage. You may react to your parents' divorce much as you would react to the death of a parent, sib­ling, or friend. Grief is a common process most people go through after such sad events. The grieving process, which may continue for several weeks or months, has five clearly identifiable stages. Some of these stages overlap or go in a different order, but no two people go through the process in exactly the same way.