Divorce—Don’t Tell Anyone Else

"Mom, I’m going to Natalie's, be back by ten," Jessica called out to her mother on the way out the door. Natalie, who had invited Jessica to church camp a year ago and prayed with her when she trusted Christ, knew only that her par­ents were separated.

"Your parents are getting divorced? Oh, Jessie, I'm so sorry." Natalie's words took Jessica by surprise. There was so much feeling in them, so much love and not an ounce of blame. "Thanks, but it's a secret, all right?" Jessica responded. "But why, Jessie?" Natalie probed. "Because . . . because . . . my family isn't normal, all right? My par­ents aren’t Christians, and I'm not proud of the fact that they are doing this." Natalie asked, "What about Jenny? She's a spiritual big sister to you and our youth leader, and she could probably help you deal with your parents' divorce. "I am dealing with it, Natalie. I'm just deal­ing with it . . . well ... more privately than other people do." "I'm your friend, Jessie, and I'm here for you. But I think Jenny may be able to help you deal with your emotions better than I can." "Emotions? I'm not the emotional one in the family. That’s my sister, Karen." Jessica didn't want to argue with Natalie.

Natalie was silent for a minute then said, "Remember when my older brother was killed two years ago?" Jessica thought about it. "I barely knew you then. It was an accident at work." Natalie nodded. "Skip's death rocked the whole family pretty hard. I thought the best way to handle it was to get back to normal as soon as possible. I didn't realize that there is a natural grieving process I had to go through. Jenny and Doug helped me get my feelings out where I could deal with them." Jessica waited for the punch line, but Natalie said nothing more. She didn't have to. A divorce is like a death, Jessica recited to herself the unspo­ken admonition. You need to grieve it; you need to pour your feelings out to someone who can help you deal with them. Jenny is your spiritual big sis­ter. You need to go see her.

After a few more minutes, Jessica said, "I'd better get home. I'm worried about my younger brother. I need to spend some time with him." Natalie gave Jessica a long hug. "I really hurt for you, Jessie. I'm so sorry you have to go through this." Jessica returned the hug. "Thanks. Thanks for caring." She wanted to think a little more about whether she should tell Jenny about one of the saddest days in her life.

The Divorce Meeting

Fifteen-year-old Jessica Ingram knew what this evening's "family meeting" was about, even though Mom would not tell her anything spe­cific. Jessica's older sister, Karen, and younger brother, Mark, knew too. You'd have to be blind, deaf and brain­less not to understand what was going on. Dad brought a couple of pizzas for dinner tonight. What a cruel joke—to sit down and casually eat pizza while dismantling the family. "Your mother and I have something to tell you," Dad announced finally. "Our problems have gotten worse instead of better since I moved out. The separation and counseling haven't helped. So we have decided to get a divorce.

We want you kids to know that this is not about you; it's about Mom and me. We both love all three of you, and we will—" Karen jumped to her feet so quickly that her chair toppled backward and hit the hardwood floor with a crash. "This is so sick!" she screamed at both parents. "If you really loved us, you wouldn't do this to us. Why can't you work things out? I don't think you want to try." Dad tried to interrupt a couple of times, but it was like spitting into the wind. The more Karen blazed, the more Jessica could feel her own anger and hurt. It was as if her older sister were venting for both of them. And when Karen started crying, Jessica felt a swell in her throat and a warm tear on her cheek. In less than two minutes—which seemed more like two hours to Jessica—it was all over.

Dad was looking at Jessica when he said, "Maybe when school starts in September, someone would like to come live with me." Karen had told Jessica that she was pretty sure Dad was already dating and that he probably wouldn't want the girls or Mark living with him, for obvious reasons. This was a new fly in the soup for Jessica. She wasn't about to choose between her parents, but neither was she ready to become a ping-pong ball bouncing between them. Jessica's father had a business appointment at 7:30, so he left a few minutes after 7:00. Jessica loved her dad, but she was glad to see him go.

Surviving Sexual Abuse

You can experience freedom from the pain of sexual abuse in your past in ways you may have never imagined possible. As the condemnation, shame and embarrassment disappear, you are free to enjoy others and minister to their needs. The shyness that has plagued you since childhood may begin to fade away. Instead of withdrawing around oth­ers, you may become more self-confident and socially involved. It all begins with these important first steps.

Tell it like it is: You have been sexually abused. You must clearly acknowledge to yourself and a trusted friend or counselor what happened to you. You must state what the experience has done to you without trying to explain it away. Once you get it out in the open, you will be able to start the healing process.

Stop the abuse immediately. If the abuse has not stopped, take immediate steps to stop it by notifying the police, a Christian minister or counselor, or a child-protection agency in your community. A trusted person in your life will likely be glad to help you take this step.

Place the responsibility where it belongs. Do not blame yourself for what someone else did to you. The person who abused you is solely responsible for his or her actions, no matter how that person tries to shift the blame to you. You are the victim. It was not your fault.

Turn to God as the source of your healing. Acknowledge that God did not cause the abuse but that He is the solution to the trauma brought on by the abuse (see Ps. 18:2-6, 25-30).

Allow yourself to grieve your loss of innocence. A caring friend or adult can help you work through the denial, anger, bargaining, depres­sion and acceptance that will come from your loss. Instead of turning from such feel­ings, confront them, express them and resolve them through the understanding and comfort of those who love you.

Seek fellowship with God. Pursue and main­tain a daily appointment to be with God in prayer and Bible reading. Determine to rely on His strength, learn from His Word, and fight any destructive thoughts and feelings with the attitude of Christ (see Phil. 4:4-9).

Seek the help of others. Spend time with those who genuinely love you and desire to help you through the healing process: under­standing parents, a youth leader or minister, a close friend, a Christian counselor or a support group.

Realize that healing will take time. The process of healing from sexual abuse may be painful and take several weeks or months. But you survived the abuse; you can also overcome the trauma of recovery with God's help.

Telling Your Parents That You Were Sexually Abused

It may seem impossible, but it is vitally important that you sit down with your parents as soon as possible to tell them about the sexual abuse you have suffered and begin to seek their help in your healing process. (See blog #4). If the sexual abuser is one of your parents, tell your youth leader or other Christian adult who will give you guidance. Here are several steps that will help you prepare for and carry out such a meeting:

Decide if you want someone else to go with you. Perhaps you would feel more confident about the meeting with your parents if someone went with you.

Schedule a time to meet at their earliest con­venience. Plan to talk to your parents or youth leader as soon as possible. Find a time and place for your meeting that will be free from interrup­tions and distractions. You might say to your par­ents, "I have something important I want to discuss with you. When could we sit down and talk?"

Be straightforward. Get right to the point. Either you or the trusted person who is with you should state clearly to your parents or youth leader that you are the victim of sexual abuse. Beating around the bush will only make your dis­closure more painful for everyone.

Ask for their help. Express and explain your current thoughts about the healing process. Invite their counsel and prayers as you decide whether to seek Christian counseling. If the per­son who abused you is still alive, ask your parents or youth leader to help you report the abuse to the proper authorities to make sure the person will not abuse others.

Close with prayer. If your parents are Christians, ask them to join you in a time of prayer. Together ask God for His direction and help in the coming months as you begin to heal from the pain of your experience of sexual abuse.

As you convey respect for your parents' feel­ings and a willingness to listen to their concerns and suggestions, you increase the possibility that they will become your helpful supporters in the months ahead. Knowing that your dearest loved ones are on your side will help lift some of the emotional burden from your shoulders.

God Will Help You Heal from Sexual Abuse

God is not offended by your sexual abuse, nor does He disapprove of you because of what some­one else did to you. He loves you. Your expe­rience of being abused hurts Him too. He longs to show His compassion to you and ease your inner pain. And He is powerful enough to help you.

If you are not spending time daily in prayer and Bible reading, now is a good time to start. James 4:8 invites us, "Come near to God and he will come near to you." One of the ways to get close to God and allow Him to get close to you is through prayer and His Word. For example, start out by reading a psalm from the Bible each day. Then spend a few minutes telling God about what you are thinking and feeling. Ask Him to help you grow stronger through the healing process. He will do it because He loves you and wants to help you.

I Need Help!

What if you are trying to deal with sexual abuse and nobody steps up to offer help? Ask for it. There is nothing wrong with telling a trusted friend, a youth leader or your minister about your need and asking for help. For example, you can ask someone to go with you to tell your parents. In most cases, people are more than willing to help out; they just don't know what needs to be done. Feel free to help people support you at this time by letting them know what you need.

Likewise, if you do not receive the encour­agement you need, ask for it. It's okay to tell someone who cares about you, "I need a hug" or "I just need you to be with me for a while." You receive encouragement when someone does something thoughtful to lift your spirits: ask how you are doing, give hugs, pray for you, send cards, write notes or make phone calls that communicate, "We're here for you." Encouraging deeds like these may not seem as practical as doing chores and running errands, but they are just as necessary. If you need comfort, support or encouragement, just say so. Most people really do want to help. They just don’t know how.

You Need More than Comfort

You need more than comfort to get through the pain of dealing with past sexual abuse. You need the support of others. What's the difference between comfort and support? People supply the comfort you need when they share your sorrow emotionally. People supply the support you need by helping you during this time in practical, helpful ways. You need the help of people who are committed to obeying Galatians 6:2: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." For example, practical support can be shown by encouraging and offering to go with someone to tell his or her parents about the abuse. Support is also provided when people volunteer to run errands for you, to help you with chores or oth­erwise to ease your burden so you can concen­trate on healing.

You may be tempted to ignore or to refuse the support offered by others. You may feel that you can handle everything yourself or you may not want others to be bothered with things you normally do for yourself. Resist that temptation. God put Galatians 6:2 in the Bible, because He knows there are times we should rely on the sup­port of others. This is such a time. Let other people do things for you, and be grateful for their help. It is one of the ways God is providing for your needs at this time.

Time to Heal

Christian counselors and leaders generally agree that it is normal and healthy to experience the five stages of grief following the traumatic events of sexual abuse. In many cases it takes many weeks or months to successfully navigate all five stages. Some of the emotions and thoughts that you experience during this time may be new to you or stronger than ever before in your life. You may wonder if there is some­thing wrong with you for reacting in these ways. There is not. You are going through a common response to a very sad event in your life.

One of your best allies in dealing with the pain of sexual abuse is time. The old proverb "Time heals all wounds" contains a nugget of truth. Accept the fact that it will take time for you to get over your deep pain. You need time to process the jumble of feelings and thoughts. You need time to talk out your feelings with mature, compassionate Christian friends and perhaps a professional Christian counselor. As the weeks pass, your hurt will diminish and your life will return to a fairly normal pattern. Give time a chance to work for you by not expecting the pain and confusion to go away too soon.

The Five Stages of Grief (Part 2)

It is very common for someone who is coming to terms with sexual abuse in the past to grieve. One of the first responses of grief is denial. A second stage in responding to grief is anger.

A third stage of grief is bargaining with God for relief from the awful event and its conse­quences. You may find yourself secretly trying to cut a deal with God, vowing to change your behavior and perceived failures if He will just take the pain and the memories away.

Another stage of grief is depression when you realize that the past can never be changed. It's the feeling of overwhelming sadness or hopelessness over what happened to you. Depression may be accompanied by fear, anxiety or insecurity about facing that person again. Intense loneliness is another facet of depression. You may want to iso­late yourself from others in order to keep your past a secret. In doing so, you will cut yourself off from the friends and loved ones who can help you.

The final stage of grief is acceptance. As time goes by and the other stages of grief diminish, you will be able to accept the reality of your abuse and begin to deal with it constructively. Even as this stage becomes dominant, you may still experience pangs of denial, anger and depression. But they will be minimal compared to the more positive sense that God is working out your experience to bring something good out of it (see Rom. 8:28).

The Five Stages of Grief (Part 1)

It is very common for someone who is coming to terms with sexual abuse in the past to grieve. It is common to bury the deep pain of being vio­lated physically, mentally and emotionally as a child. Now that the incidents have come to light, the pain returns and the person must grieve the loss of the sanctity of his or her body. The grieving process, which may continue for several weeks or months, has five clearly identifiable stages. No two people go through the process in exactly the same way, and the stages often overlap and recur.

One of the first responses of grief is denial. You may find yourself at times unwilling to believe that such a terrible thing happened to you. You may have been stuck in denial for years as you kept the abuse a secret. One of the ways your mind and emotions will try to handle the shock of your grief is to say, "No way, this did not happen to me."

A second stage in responding to grief is anger. When grappling with the inevitable ques­tion, "Why did this happen?" you may find your­self lashing out angrily because there is no reasonable answer to that question. You have been violated and shamed, and it seems terribly unfair. You may be angry over the circumstances that led to the abuse or you may feel anger toward the person who abused you. You may be angry at God for allowing it to happen. Your anger may even be directed at yourself because you suspect that you were somehow to blame for what happened. (To be continued)

Comforting Victims of Sexual Abuse

Your greatest need as you begin to deal with the pain of sexual abuse is for others to comfort you. In a time of deep sorrow, our greatest comfort comes when others sorrow with us. One major way God shares His comfort with us is through other people. The apostle Paul wrote, "God . . . com­forts us in all our troubles, so that we can com­fort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Cor. 1:3-4).

What is comfort? Maybe it will help to see first what comfort is not. Comfort is not a "pep talk" urging you to hang in there, tough it out or hold it together. Comfort is not an attempt to explain why bad things happen to people. Comfort is not a bunch of positive words about God being in control and everything being okay. All of these things may be good and useful in time, but they do not fill our primary need for comfort.

People comfort us primarily by feeling our hurt and sorrowing with us. Jesus illustrated the ministry of comfort when His friend Lazarus died (see John 11). When Jesus arrived at the home of Lazarus's sisters, Mary and Martha, He wept with them (see vv. 33-35). His response is especially interesting in light of what He did next: raise Lazarus from the dead (see vv. 38-44). Why didn't Jesus simply tell the grieving Mary and Martha, "No need to cry, My friends, because in a few minutes Lazarus will be alive again"? Because at that moment, they needed someone to identify with their hurt. Jesus met Mary's and Martha's need for comfort by sharing in their sorrow and tears. Later He performed the miracle that turned their sorrow to joy. We receive comfort when we know we are not suffering alone. Paul instructed us, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Rom. 12:15). When you experience sorrow, people may try to comfort you by cheering you up, urging you to be strong, or try­ing to explain away the tragic event. These people no doubt care about you and mean well by their words. But they may not know what comfort sounds like. Hopefully, there will also be someone around who will provide the comfort you need. You will sense God's care and concern for you as this someone hurts with you, sorrows with you and weeps with you.

The Memories From Sexual Abuse

There are a number of effects that stem from sexual abuse: aggression toward others, dis­trust of others, poor social skills, emotional with­drawal, running away, criminal behaviors (such as prostitution), depression, anger, fear, anxiety and suicidal tendencies. As the victim of sexual abuse, you likely have been emotionally injured in one or more of these ways. You need the lov­ing help of others to be healed. If you have kept your abuse a secret, some more than 20 years, or have not sought the help and counsel of others, now is the time to speak up and get the help you need. It is incredibly painful and difficult to cope with the memory of sexual abuse. There are a couple of things that may be helpful as you face the pain of your own sexual abuse.

You may experience a wide range of emotions as you recall the pain of your experi­ence. You may feel false guilt, shame, hopelessness and even anger because of what happened to you. You may cry like you have never cried in your life when you first admit to being abused. You may feel emotionally drained and exhausted. And you may get intensely angry at the situation, at the person who abused you, at the person(s) you think should have protected you (a parent, an older sibling, etc.), or even at God for allowing it to happen. It is important to understand that all these feelings are normal and natural. It is the way God wired you. Your emotions are a built-in release valve to help you handle the deep inner pain. Of course, there are both productive and unproduc­tive ways of expressing these emotions.

Victims of sexual abuse should be encouraged not to bottle up their feelings, but to let the grief flow out. This response reflects Jesus' words in Matthew 5:4: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Mourning is the process of getting the hurt out. You admit how bad you feel and let your tears flow so others can share your pain and weep with you. This is God's design for blessing you and beginning to heal the deep pain that accompanies a painful experience. It is good and necessary that you experience the different emotions that come at this time.

The Effects of Sexual Abuse

What are the effects of sexual abuse on chil­dren and adolescents? You may identify with one or more of the common effects mentioned below:

Physical illness and injury: Some victims contract AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases through con­tact with a promiscuous adult. Some suffer tissue tears due to penetration of the vagina or anus. Some illnesses and injuries from sexual abuse are permanent.
False guilt: If an adult does something to hurt a child in some way, including sexually abusing them, the child may assume he or she has done some­thing to deserve it. Other children feel false guilt or condemnation because they knew the abuse was wrong, but felt they could do nothing to stop it.
Shame: Shame is a cousin to condemnation. You may feel dirty, bad, worthless or sinful as a result of being abused, even though it is not your fault.
Helplessness: You may have been strongly encouraged, threat­ened or perhaps bribed into silence by your abuser. Or you may have felt helpless because you tried to tell someone about the abuse, and they ignored you or didn't believe you.
Poor sense of worth: Many victims are convinced that they are unloved, unlovable and unworthy of love. A poor sense of worth may lead to other emotional problems, such as eating disorders and thoughts of suicide.
More sexual abuse: Many victims of child­hood sexual abuse are likely to be victimized again. Having lost a sense of worth from some­one abusing them during the first experience, victims can begin to believe that they deserve other sexual abuse.
Pregnancy: Some girls bear children as a result of sexual abuse, further complicating their already troubled lives.