The Modern Dilemma

Throughout most of history, man has had only one question to answer: “What am I going to do?” Modern society is unique in history because of its enormous affluence. No longer faced with mere survival, hundreds of millions of people now have time to ask, “Who am I?” before deciding what their actions will be.

But modern men and women are faced with a dilemma. Unwilling to accept God’s truth, they turn to dozens of other concepts now on the market. Overwhelmed and disillusioned, they come to the conclusion that they are nothing more than a fluke of chemical happenstance. Whether they recognize such a conclusion or not does not matter; their acceptance of it is played out in their actions.

Those actions reflect a lack of form in their individual world. Without recognition of right and wrong or good and bad, without a structure by which to measure themselves and their actions, they are left in despair. To placate the despair, they look to entertain themselves. They look to amusement (which literally means “without thinking”), which always leads to seeking pleasure in temporal, sensory ways: materialism, drugs, sex.

Disillusioned

The following was written by a student: Teenagers today are confused and disillusioned. Virtually every relationship leaves them stabbed in the back. They wonder, “Who can I trust?” The big difference between this generation and the rebellious generations before is that the previous rebellion was for a cause. This generation has no cause. We have given up. We have no vision.

In one sense, the generation currently coming into adulthood does not have a crusading cause, a unifying point. But in another sense, teenagers today have a very real cause: survival.

In a dangerous, fragmented society where there is no truth and right and wrong are interchangeable, teenagers feel tossed about like driftwood. And so we see their actions. They are saturated with information but told there are no real truths. They are told they are the result of a cosmic accident, but to think positively and feel good about themselves. Their actions are the result of the contradictions swirling in their minds. Unable to come to any conclusions about their lives, they resort to things they can understand—to sensory pleasures.

It Really is Different Today

The Judeo-Christian framework no longer prevails in the world beyond our homes. We can no longer guide our young people in the area of sex by simply saying, “It’s sinful; don't do it!” or “It’s wrong; don’t do it!” They want to know—and deserve to know—why. Differences always exist between generations which make communication difficult. But today, when teens actually live in two cultures at the same time, communication may be close to impossible—particularly if parents are unaware that two cultures exist.

How can we adults ever understand how different things are for young people today from what they were when we grew up? At home and at church their environment may be similar, but at school, with their friends, and when they watch and listen to media, it’s a totally different world. Different languages are spoken. Words even have different meanings. No one is more vulnerable than Christian teenagers who live on the “cutting edge” between the parallel cultures.

What can the church do? We should provide not only wholesome activities but clear teaching to counterbalance the totally unchristian emphases our young people are exposed to every day. We need to do more for our church young people than “socialize” them. Our purpose in church should be more than just giving them some place to go on Sunday or Friday nights. I agree with Tony Campolo that we must give teens something worth living and dying for.

Is it Really Wrong?

How things have changed in a few decades! You know as well as I do that society no longer comes down on premarital sex as it did in previous generations. Young people growing up today may hear their Christian parents say, “It’s a sin; don’t do it!” And they may hear their pastor say, “It’s a sin; don’t do it!”—if he says anything at all. Some ministers no longer take a stand on this issue, because it might make him or her unpopular with the congregation. But that’s about where the similarity between generations ends. Our kids switch on television, and everybody’s doing it—even a former president of the United States! They tune into their music and hear, “Oh baby, let’s do it!” They go to school and hear administrators say, “If you’re going to do it, visit our clinic so you can do it safely.” They hear many of their peers say, “We’re doing it, and it’s great!”

Why are kids getting involved in premarital sex? Another significant reason is the culture in which they are growing up. An ever-widening circle of public opinion no longer views premarital and extramarital sex as wrong. Rather, such activities are accepted, condoned, even glorified and encouraged. It has been said that the typical high school student faces more sexual temptation on his way to school each morning than his grandfather did on Saturday night when he was out looking for it![i] Sadly, there is more truth than fiction in this quip. Today’s adolescents are participating in premarital sex because more and more voices around them are saying it’s OK.

[i] Mast, Coleen Kelly. Sex Respect. An Option of True Sexual Freedom. A Public Health workbook for students. Bradley, IL: Respect, Inc., 1986, p.18.

Craving for a Child

Most adolescents who are sexually active want desperately to avoid pregnancy. And yet there are some girls who feel so unacceptable to themselves and unloved by others that they intentionally have sex to become pregnant and have a baby. Many of these girls crave a child to love, but they especially want someone to love them in return. Some girls even want to get pregnant as a means of forcing a boy to marry them. That’s their reason for premarital sex.

These young women are immature. A girl who wants a baby mainly to meet her own need for love and security is unprepared to be a good mother. To use a pregnancy as leverage on a boyfriend reveals the extent to which some girls will go in order to save a relationship. By expecting the child to resolve her own emotional problems, she puts unrealistic expectations on the baby even before he or she is born. Parents are to meet the needs of their children. When parents rely on their children to meet their own needs, you have a very dysfunctional family.

One Thing Leads to Another Until…

Physical and emotional closeness between a boy and girl is like a drug. The more you get, the more you want. You need increasing levels of activity to bring the same pleasure. When the initial thrill of holding hands wears off, the couple rekindles it with a kiss. When one kiss no longer satisfies, they kiss longer, deeper. Prolonged kissing leads to caressing the body and heavy petting. Once the momentum is underway, it is difficult to slow down or stop. If the couple keeps reaching for a high, they will end up having sex.

Another reason kids get involved in premarital sex—and stay involved—is because they can’t get enough of the thrill. They become addicted to the kissing, the petting and finally the sexual intercourse. It’s like a powerful freight train going downhill: Once you get it started, it’s takes powerful brakes to get it stopped. But when the relationship is based mainly on sexual gratification, the couple will soon hit a painful ceiling.

Immature Sex

The pressure teens are under is real, and the momentary release that sex provides is real. Sex does not resolve a stressful situation, of course, but it does supply a temporary escape. And when life gets hectic, stressful, or painful, teens will likely seek each other out for the comfort and relief of a sexual encounter.

Desire to escape stress through sex—or alcohol, drugs, food, etc.—is a sign of immaturity. A mature person has a healthy sense of self-worth. A mature person shows self-control. A mature person can make decisions that will not necessarily alleviate the stressful situations but will help him or her deal with stress without having to run away from it. A mature person has a solid set of values on which he or she bases behavior, even when pressure is intense.

Sexually active adolescents may blame their actions on stress, but they are responsible for their actions. They cannot control the future, their relationships with parents or friends, or the decisions of a teacher or coach. But they can control themselves. When teenagers are better able to deal with stress through personal discipline and self-control, they won’t feel the need to resort to sex as a release. When they begin to focus on the quality of their own character instead of a “quick fix” for their problems, they will be able to establish and strengthen their personal values.

Why Freeze?

Our young people need to know that there are sexual thrills that transcend the urge for instant gratification. Compare the following scenarios:

1. He picks her up in his mom’s car, they drive out to a secluded spot, and have sex. They freeze up whenever they see headlights. A quick thrill, then it’s over. Later, they go home, she to her house, he to his house. He’s pretty sure she was on the pill or something, but he’s not really at ease about it. He hopes she won’t start calling him all the time now. She is home, trying to prove to herself that casual sex is okay. She feels lonely and uncertain about the relationship. She hopes he hasn’t had sex with any sleazy girls lately. She wonders if she should call him.

2. They have the house all to themselves. It has been their house since they were married two years ago. He helps his wife finish the dishes as they both try to keep the grins of anticipation from their faces. There is much playful touching and kissing. They both know how the evening will end, but in the meantime, they are enjoying every minute. Later, in a bedroom lit by a single candle, they rediscover the thrill that seems to get better every time. When it’s over, they enjoy just being close and whispering sweet, loving words to each other. When they wake up in the morning, they will still be together. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear, nothing to change. And it will be like this for the rest of their lives.

Which thrill is the best, the most enduring? Which is worth looking forward to and waiting for? Sex is a thrill—no doubt about it. But there must be complete trust, complete commitment, complete acceptance. Such attitudes are possible only in marriage. It is worth waiting for.

Primal Instincts

If you ask people why they had sex at fourteen, they might say something like, “I couldn’t help it. The feelings were too strong to control. We were in love, and love means sex.” Like many other adolescents, they don’t understand that sex is not an uncontrollable desire. We are not animals who respond to primal urges without thinking. We are rational beings, created in the image of God, possessing the dignity, worth, and importance He gave us.

Love for adolescents and adults is not just a feeling, an urge. Love is primarily an act of the will, a choice to make the welfare and happiness of another individual more important than our own. And since sex is an act of love, not a primal response, our most important sex organ is not found below the belt—it is the mind. It is here we make decisions. The brain takes in information, sifts through it, accepts some elements, rejects others, and arrives at conclusions. It is in the brain, not in some primal instinct, that the choice is made to engage in sex or to say no to sex. Therefore, to claim that sex is only an uncontrollable urge is to deny our ability to make choices.

Kids need to understand that sex is more of a desire than a drive. It is conditional; we can say no. We are not at the mercy of our sexual urges. But when we give in to the popular notion that sex is merely an act of nature, a physical thrill just for the taking, we encourage the desire for sex.